First Missionary
Good afternoon. I hope we're not bothering you.
Season 7 · Episode 20
Fight Club
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.
Production code7ABX20Original airdate · May 7, 2000
355 dialogue entries
Scene 01
Opening scene
[ knocking ]
Betty Templeton
Actually, I'm just--
Second Missionary
We really won't take up much of your time.
Betty Templeton
I'm just waiting for a call.
First Missionary
We're all waiting, ma'am, for the good lord to call in his flock.
Betty Templeton
From the cable TV people. I'm just moving in. God bless.
[ knocking ]
First Missionary
Good afternoon. I hope we're not bothering--
Lulu Pfeiffer
Yes? Y-
Second Missionary
You're-- weren't you--
First Missionary
Yeah, didn't we just--
Lulu Pfeiffer
Didn't you just what?
Second missionary
Speak to you.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Excuse me?
First Missionary
We just spoke to a woman who...
Second Missionary
Could've been your twin.
Lulu Pfeiffer
What are you talking about?
First Missionary
Yeah, just down the street. She's just moving in. Your spitting image.
Second Missionary
You're really not gonna believe it when you see her.
First Missionary
Ma'am?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Go away! Get out of here!
[ blow lands ]
[ groans ]
[ siren wails ]
[ groans ]
Unidentified speaker
Okay.
Scene 02
KANSAS CITY, KANSAS
Mulder’s Voice
Betty Templeton?
Betty Templeton
Yes?
Mulder’s Voice
We're with the FBI we'd like to ask about an incident-- a possible religious hate crime in your neighborhood.
Betty Templeton
I just moved in yesterday. I don't know anything about any incident.
Scully’s Voice
Well, we have two young men in the car who say you do know something.
Betty Templeton
Oh, my god! Those were the boys that were here yesterday. What happened?
Mulder’s Voice
They were beaten to within an inch of their lives by each other... After visiting the home of a woman living a few blocks over.
Betty Templeton
What woman?
Scully’s Voice
A woman who, by both young men's accounts, fits your description.
Betty Templeton
She, uh, lives around here?
Mulder’s Voice
Are you a practitioner of the occult, miss Templeton? Wicca, voodoo, satanism, the black art of bodily bilocation?
Betty Templeton
Me? No. You know what they say. Everyone has a twin out there somewhere.
Fox Mulder
No, we don't know what they say.
Betty Templeton
Well, if there's someone who fits my description, why isn't someone talking to her?
Dana Scully
We went over to the house, but it's empty. No one lives there.
Fox Mulder
Frankly, we're not even sure if she exists.
[ car approaching ]
[ engine revving ]
[ tires screeching ]
[ crashes ]
Scene 03
Scene 03
Fox Mulder
This is an FBI fleet sedan... From our kansas city field office, requisitioned by two seasoned agents there, driven into a tree at 43 Miles an hour by the female agent... In a novel effort to kill her male counterpart. Now, you might think I'm gonna suggest psychokinesis, p.k.-- someone or something controlling the agents with remote mind-bending power.
Dana Scully
But it's not?
Fox Mulder
Both agents sustained critical injuries. Their stories eerily similar, as if they temporarily lost control of their minds, unable to alter their behavior. You may think that I'm gonna say it's past lives unresolved, a fate stalking the agents like an animal.
Dana Scully
But you're not?
Fox Mulder
No, the interesting thing about these agents... Is that they had worked together for seven years previously without any incident.
Dana Scully
Seven years?
Fox Mulder
Yeah, but they are not... Romantically involved, if that's what you're thinking.
Dana Scully
Not even I would be so farfetched.
Fox Mulder
You have any ideas, Scully? Any thoughts?
Dana Scully
[ scoffs ] what I'm thinking, Mulder, is how familiar this seems. Playing watson to your sherlock. You dangling clues out in front of me one by one. It's a game, and-- and as usual, you're holding something back from me. You're not telling me something about this case.
Fox Mulder
Hmm?
Dana Scully
[ scoffs ] okay, so these agents were investigating something.
[ chuckles ]
Dana Scully
Something much like... What they themselves were almost killed by. Uh, something they came into contact with. Uh, Third party. Two Third parties. Twins? Relatives? Uh, doppelganger? Uh, corporeal likeness... That appears unbidden from the spirit world, the sight of which presages one's own death. Or... A double conjured into the world by a technique called bilocation, which, in psychological terms, represents the person's secret desires and impulses, committing acts that a real person cannot commit himself... Or... Herself. Mulder, the slide, please. Yes!
Fox Mulder
Don't go thinking I'm gonna start doing the autopsies.
[ sighs ]
Scene 04
DOWNTOWN KANSAS CITY
Lulu Pfeiffer
Excuse me. Hi. I applied for the sales job you posted.
First Koko’s manager
Ah, yeah. I remember. How could I forget?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Excuse me?
First Koko’s manager
Uh, there's a problem with your application, as I recall, miss--
Lulu Pfeiffer
Pfeiffer. Are you sure?
First Koko’s manager
Lulu Pfeiffer, yes. You reside at 15527 morton bay street?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Not any longer. I've moved.
First Koko’s manager
You've moved?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Yes. And I don't have my new address yet.
First Koko’s manager
Actually, miss Pfeiffer, that's what's sending up the red flag. You move a lot. And there's also your employment history. Seventeen jobs in seventeen states in the past three years? You seem to have as many jobs here as you have addresses.
Lulu Pfeiffer
I-- I had a restless streak.
First Koko’s manager
Well, the copy business takes a motivated person.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Oh, I'm an extremely versatile employee, as you can see by my resume.
First Koko’s manager
What I can tell is you've left a variety of jobs. "mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer, wild animal trainer, palm reader." [ machines whirring loudly ]
Lulu Pfeiffer
Yes, but I am on a career path now.
Second Customer
Hey! What's going on here? All my copies are black.
Third Customer
My machine's going crazy.
Female Customer
Who's running this place?
First Koko’s manager
I can start you immediately. There's a clean uniform in the employee washroom.
Unidentified speaker
Oh, god. [ man ] here. Over here. Oh, that's great. Can you help me turn this thing off? [ whirring continues ]
Man
My only copy!
Scene 05
Scene 05
Second Koko’s manager
That's quite a string of positions you've had, miss... Templeton. Seventeen jobs in the last three years.
Betty Templeton
I would've listed more, but there wasn't any room left on your form.
Second Koko’s manager
Seventeen's plenty, believe me.
Betty Templeton
I think you'll find my former employees will only give the highest personal references--
Second Koko’s manager
It's not your references. It's the jobs themselves. "mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer. Wild animal trainer?"
Betty Templeton
I'm a highly versatile employee.
[ scoffs ]
Second Koko’s manager
What guarantee do I have that you won't just up and quit tomorrow?
Betty Templeton
You have my personal word on it. I'm here in kansas city to stay.
Scene 06
PORCHERIE HOTEL
Bert Zupanic
Who is it?
Fox Mulder
Mr. Zupanic, it's the FBI
Bert Zupanic
Excuse me?
Fox Mulder
It's the FBI, mr. Zupanic. Open up.
Bert Zupanic
Give me a minute.
Fox Mulder
Bert Zupanic?
Bert Zupanic
Yeah?
Fox Mulder
We're hoping you could help us find the whereabouts... Of a woman we think you're familiar with-- a Betty Templeton.
Bert Zupanic
I don't know no Betty Templeton.
Dana Scully
Maybe you should take Another look at that photograph, mr. Zupanic. Five foot three, red hair. Maybe I can jog your memory. Are you still pleading ignorance, mr. Zupanic? Is that not you in last year's fourth of July parade?
Bert Zupanic
Yeah.
Dana Scully
Then who's that sitting next to you?
Bert Zupanic
Her.
Dana Scully
Try Betty Templeton. We can't find her, mr. Zupanic. She seems to have left town in a hurry.
Bert Zupanic
She did?
Dana Scully
Mm-hmm.
Bert Zupanic
And didn't she used to live on morton bay in a pink house?
Dana Scully
Alderwood, blue house.
Bert Zupanic
On alderwood?
Dana Scully
Mr. Zupanic, do you have any reason to be lying to us?
Bert Zupanic
No, sir-- I mean, ma'am.
Dana Scully
Thank you, mr. Zupanic. I have no doubt we'll be in touch with you.
Fox Mulder
You know what I'm thinking.
Dana Scully
That mr. Zupanic not only knows Betty Templeton... And where we can find her, but that he is hip to whatever she's into, and I should take a look at that house he mentioned... While you go and find out from mr. Zupanic what it is exactly... That he's clearly hiding about Betty Templeton.
Fox Mulder
I'm thinking that Bert Zupanic really truly doesn't know Betty Templeton.
Dana Scully
Well, I guess that's why they put the "I" in the FBI
[ sighs ]
[ elevator bell dings ]
Scene 07
FROGGY'S BAR
Music
♪ I'm gonna be standin' on the corner ♪ ♪ 12th street and vine ♪ ♪ I'm gonna be standin' on the corner ♪ ♪ 12th street and vine ♪
Bert Zupanic
Give me a double, freddy.
Freddie
I thought you were in training, Bert, my man.
Bert Zupanic
Would you just pour? All right.
Music
♪ well, I might take a train ♪ ♪ I might take a plane but if I have to walk ♪ ♪ I'm goin' just the same ♪ ♪ I'm goin' to kansas city ♪ ♪ kansas city, here I come ♪
Bert Zupanic
Nice outfit. Freddy, fire in the hole. Seven and seven for the lady, and make it stiff.
Betty Templeton
Oh, my god! How did you do that?
Bert Zupanic
Do what?
Betty Templeton
How did you know my drink?
♪♪ [ continues ]
Betty Templeton
I feel like you're looking right through me, like you're reading my soul like a book.
Bert Zupanic
Maybe you've had enough of that. You are in trouble, aren't you?
Betty Templeton
I don't know. I could be. What kind of trouble are you looking for?
Bert Zupanic
You don't want to go home tonight, okay?
Betty Templeton
It just so happens I don't got a home to go to. Anyway, I'm Betty Templeton.
Bert Zupanic
Alderwood avenue.
Betty Templeton
My god. I'm shaking.
[ mutters, laughs ]
Bert Zupanic
Oh-- oh, that's perfect.
[ whispering, indistinct ]
[ rattling, clinking ]
Fox Mulder
Hey.
[ panicked chattering ]
[ indistinct chattering ]
[ laughter ]
Scene 08
PAT DEVINE'S KANSAS CITY AUDITORIUM
Fox Mulder
Hey, Scully! I want you to meet a buddy of mine, mr. Argyle "sapersteen."
Saperstein
"stein."
Fox Mulder
Saperstein. Excuse me. This is my partner, Dana Scully.
Saperstein
Pleasure and an honor.
Dana Scully
So, uh, I take it from your posture, Mulder, you've solved this case.
Fox Mulder
Not solved it, but I have narrowed down the search for our perpetrator... With the kind help of mr. Saperstein here.
Dana Scully
Narrowed it down to where?
Saperstein
Right down there.
Fox Mulder
Our mystery woman is indeed involved with mr. Bert Zupanic, the man we spoke to at his hotel, who will be fighting here two days hence with the mystery woman undoubtedly in attendance.
Saperstein
If it's the lady I'm thinking, she's not much to look at, but he says she brings him luck.
Dana Scully
Bert Zupanic is a boxer?
Saperstein
A wrestler, semipro.
Dana Scully
So, we wait around kansas city for a couple of days until we can talk to this woman?
Fox Mulder
Well, there's lots to do here and the barbecue's second to none. Right, mr. Saperstein? Plus, mr. Saperstein was gonna show me... Some in-your-face smack down moves so I can quit getting my ass kicked so often, right? Oh, and there's-- there's an art exhibit that traces the influence of soviet art... On the American pop culture, right? Unless, of course, you've already found Betty Templeton.
Dana Scully
Finding Betty Templeton won't solve this case, Mulder. Not unless we find Lulu Pfeiffer.
Fox Mulder
Who's Lulu Pfeiffer?
Dana Scully
Our doppelganger... Who lived, until yesterday, in a pink house on morton bay street. But she's not a manifestation, Mulder. She's real... And so is the path of destruction that she's left in her wake. Though there seems to be no connection of any kind between these two women, Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer... Have traveled city to city across 17 u.s. States, one alternately trailing the other for the past 12 years. And wherever they have been, mayhem has followed.
Saperstein
Damn.
Dana Scully
It's not just car accidents and fistfights, Mulder. It's house fires and explosions and even riots.
Saperstein
The lady knows her stuff.
Fox Mulder
Sholom aleichem.
Saperstein
Yeah. Your mama.
[ ringing ]
Bert Zupanic
Hello.
Saperstein
Where's my money?
Bert Zupanic
I got it, and I'm bringing it.
Saperstein
Yeah, that's what I heard last night. Now you got the feds on your ass.
Bert Zupanic
What?
Saperstein
Your good luck charm don't sound so lucky no more. Maybe I should cancel the fight.
Bert Zupanic
I'm bringing the money, okay? I'm bringing it!
Saperstein
I'm having lunch at froggy's. No money, no fight, titanic.
[ dial tone humming ]
Betty Templeton
In trouble or something?
Bert Zupanic
I'm just, uh-- I gotta be somewhere, okay?
Betty Templeton
Why? What time is it? Oh, god, I'm gonna be late for work! You were incredible. Why do I find myself so wildly attracted to you, Bert Zupanic?
Bert Zupanic
You just can't help yourself, baby.
[ knocking ]
Lulu Pfeiffer
Where were you last night?
Bert Zupanic
Where was I?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Yeah.
Bert Zupanic
Well, I--
Lulu Pfeiffer
You said, "meet me for a drink." [ stammering ] that's what you said.
Bert Zupanic
I was there, and I-I was waiting on you.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Are you two-timing me, Bert?
Bert Zupanic
How can you say that? You're my good luck charm.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Who is she? "
Bert Zupanic
Who is she?"
Lulu Pfeiffer
You do not wanna get in the ring with me, mister!
Bert Zupanic
Honey, listen-- come on, baby. There's nobody under there. You're acting crazy, sweetie. I'm gonna look under every single--
Lulu Pfeiffer
Hey! I know this hairpin.
Bert Zupanic
Oh, I-I can explain that.
Lulu Pfeiffer
You lovable lug, Bert Zupanic! I'm sorry, baby. This is mine.
Bert Zupanic
Of course it is.
Lulu Pfeiffer
I just get so jealous. You forgive me?
Bert Zupanic
I forgive you. I'm in training. You've gotta go to work. You're late.
Lulu Pfeiffer
No. No. I'm so wildly attracted to you, Bert Zupanic.
Bert Zupanic
Hey, listen. Good looks and charm. What's not to love, all right?
Lulu Pfeiffer
There's a lot to love.
Bert Zupanic
I know. You go on. No! You have to go. But why-- but--
Lulu Pfeiffer
Will you call me at least? Bye.
Bert Zupanic
You bet. I'm on the phone now, okay?
[ people arguing ]
Betty Templeton
[ people shouting ] Bert, did I hear voices?
Bert Zupanic
Voices? I didn't hear any voices. [ gunshots ] oh! Oh.
♪♪ [ fifties rock ]
Scene 09
Scene 09
Saperstein
Where's the titanic?
Betty Templeton
What?
Saperstein
Your boyfriend, the wrestler.
Betty Templeton
Wow, talk about moves. I can't believe that we barely just met.
Saperstein
He's supposed to meet me here.
Betty Templeton
He's coming here?
Saperstein
He'd better be if he wants that fight saturday night.
Betty Templeton
I'd better go freshen up a little. I was just coming in for lunch.
Saperstein
Zupanic, hey. Thought you were a no-show. Talking to your girlfriend.
Bert Zupanic
My girlfriend? [ rumbling ]
Saperstein
Holy shoot!
[ panicked chattering ]
Woman
What is that?
[ rumbling stops ]
Saperstein
Now, how did she do that?
Bert Zupanic
Do what?
Saperstein
I just saw her. I swear. I just saw her go to the can.
Bert Zupanic
She just went to the can?
Saperstein
Ten seconds ago.
Lulu Pfeiffer
What are you doing here?
Bert Zupanic
I have a business meeting. Why don't I meet you outside in the park?
Lulu Pfeiffer
I was just gonna get some lunch.
Bert Zupanic
Perfect. We'll have a picnic.
Lulu Pfeiffer
A picnic? We never do that.
Bert Zupanic
Oh, yeah. [ sighs ] now--
Betty Templeton
Bert? [ rumbling ]
[ rumbling stops ]
Bert Zupanic
I have a little business to attend to, sweetie.
Saperstein
You got more than that to attend to.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Hey, Bert, I only got an hou--
[ rumbling ]
[ panicked chattering ]
[ woman screams ]
[ rumbling ] [ glass shattering continues ]
[ rumbling stops ]
[ indistinct chattering ]
[ door opens, closes ]
[ camera shutter clicking ]
Dana Scully
Mr. Zupanic?
[ muttering ]
Bert Zupanic
What happened?
Dana Scully
Uh, there was an incident. You were struck by flying glass.
Fox Mulder
Did you lose something?
Bert Zupanic
Yeah. My good luck.
Dana Scully
Would that be Betty or Lulu, mr. Zupanic? 'cause they're the ones who caused this, and they'll do it again if we can't find them. Where are they, mr. Zupanic?
Scene 10
Scene 10
Fox Mulder
Excuse me.
Second Koko’s manager
FBI can I help you?
Fox Mulder
Yes, I'm looking for... That girl.
Second Koko’s manager
Betty. This man's from the FBI
Fox Mulder
Betty Templeton?
Betty Templeton
I'm just getting off work. Could we talk some other time?
Fox Mulder
I think we both know why I'm here.
Betty Templeton
It's her fault!
Fox Mulder
Lulu Pfeiffer.
Betty Templeton
She follows me around trying to ruin my life. I'm not gonna let her ruin it this time. It's either me or her. I don't want to leave kansas.
Dana Scully
Scully.
Fox Mulder
Hey, Scully. I found her at koko's copy center.
Dana Scully
Betty Templeton?
Fox Mulder
Yeah. She says that Lulu Pfeiffer's trying to ruin her life. Follows her wherever she goes.
Dana Scully
Lulu Pfeiffer works at koko's too. That's exactly what Lulu says about Betty, except she says this is the end of the line, that she's not leaving kansas.
Fox Mulder
That's exactly what Betty said.
Dana Scully
What's going on here?
Fox Mulder
I don't know, Scully. You're running this show. Why don't you tell me?
Dana Scully
I think that this is more than just physical proximity, Mulder. I think that these women have some kind of a psychic connection.
Fox Mulder
No-- [ static ] sherlock.
[ car approaching ]
Fox Mulder
Hey, Scully, uh, where's Lulu?
Dana Scully
She just took off, Mulder. She left work, and she drove away.
Fox Mulder
She wouldn't be driving a little blue convertible, would she?
Dana Scully
That's exactly what she's driving.
Fox Mulder
Oh, crap.
Scene 11
Scene 11
Manager
Can I help you?
Dana Scully
Uh, yes. I'm looking for someone. He was here speaking to an employee, and I can't seem to reach him.
Manager
Tall guy, dark hair? He left. Yeah.
Dana Scully
And you don't know where he went?
Manager
Couldn't say. Okay. However, I can tell you... We have a two-for-one copy discount in effect.
[ chuckles ]
Dana Scully
How about internet access?
Manager
Right this way.
[ door buzzes ]
Scene 12
Scene 12
Dana Scully
Is he in there?
Prison Guard
Yeah. Sleeping.
Dana Scully
Can you wake him up for me?
Prison Guard
You sure you wanna do that?
Dana Scully
It's important. [ man shouting ]
Angry Bob Danfous
Will you two shut up or go away?
Dana Scully
Mr. Damfuse?
Angry Bob Danfous
The sound of your Voice is like a jackhammer on my eardrums!
[ breathing heavily ]
Dana Scully
Mr. Damfuse, I'm special agent Dana Scully with the FBI
Angry Bob Danfous
What's so special about you?
Dana Scully
It's an f.b.I title, sir.
Angry Bob Danfous
I know it is. I'm not stupid!
Dana Scully
Mr. Damfuse, if you'll let me explain why I'm here, we might be able to get you to bed a little bit sooner.
Angry Bob Danfous
Ah! What a relief!
Dana Scully
Mr. Damfuse, through a lot of matching up of documents... That I have been able to compile on the internet... And by comparing time and space and circumstance... And by liberally applying the law of averages--
Angry Bob Danfous
They could electrocute me quicker!
Dana Scully
I believe that you may be the father of two daughters.
Angry Bob Danfous
I'm no father!
Dana Scully
Using documents filed by a sperm bank in sparta, illinois... And by the mothers who may have been impregnated by your donation--
Angry Bob Danfous
I yankee doodled into a plastic cup!
Dana Scully
Well, be that as it may, sir, it is very likely that you are the biological father. And it is very important for their safety and for the safety of others... That we get as much information as possible about your mother and your father... And anything about your family tree that may be able to explain... The reactions that are being caused by these two girls.
Angry Bob Danfous
A big ugly dog lifted its leg on my family tree!
Another Inmate
Make room for daddy.
Angry Bob Danfous
Shut up, you fat ox!
Scene 13
Scene 13
Betty Templeton
Oh. You aren't answering your phone?
Bert Zupanic
I'm just screening my calls.
Betty Templeton
You sleep with me once and now you're avoiding me?
Bert Zupanic
I got... Big trouble, baby. I got just one shot left for the big time. Just one.
Betty Templeton
But you got your match tonight. Your name's up on the marquee.
Bert Zupanic
I've lost my financing. You're my good luck, baby.
Betty Templeton
I am?
Bert Zupanic
It was my good luck to meet you. And if you could just-- if you could help the titanic find a way. "
Betty Templeton
Find a way"?
Bert Zupanic
They say I'm old, I'm washed up. All I want's a shot. If I don't get the money, I'm gonna lose my chance.
Betty Templeton
Maybe I can.
[ whimpers ]
[ knocking ]
Lulu Pfeiffer
You're not answering your phone?
Bert Zupanic
Lulu?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Someone else you were expecting? Well?
Bert Zupanic
Baby, I got trouble. I got big trouble.
Dana Scully
[ ringing ] Mulder?
Scene 14
KANSAS CITY PENITENTIARY
Fox Mulder
Yeah.
Dana Scully
Where have you been?
Fox Mulder
Seeing a side of kansas city few men have the privilege to see.
Dana Scully
What happened to you?
Fox Mulder
I got sucked into a storm drain. The more pressing question is, what the hell happened to Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer?
Dana Scully
I don't know, but I have been able to locate the nature of their connection. Both women are nonfraternal siblings from the same father.
Fox Mulder
You've located him?
Dana Scully
Yeah. He's here in the state pen.
Angry Bob Danfous
[ shouting ] when is all this yammering gonna stop?
Fox Mulder
And he's given you insight?
Dana Scully
Well, the biggest thing that I can figure out right now... Is he's probably the angriest man in the world, Mulder.
Fox Mulder
[ door buzzing ] not as Angry as those two women are gonna be... When they both realize they're in love with the one and only Bert Zupanic.
Dana Scully
They're both after him?
Fox Mulder
They're both in love with him. That's why they're both staying in kansas city and they won't leave.
Dana Scully
Well, if they're the reason, it doesn't explain what's happening, what's causing this phenomenon or how we're gonna make it stop.
Fox Mulder
I don't know. You're the one who's supposed to have all the answers. Somebody's got to get to that fight and keep those two women apart, or else this time the-- [ static ] is going to hit the fans.
Inmate
Well, hi.
Dana Scully
Mr. Zupanic?
Unidentified speaker
[ crowd cheering ] ♪ goin' to kansas city ♪
Music
♪ kansas city, here I come ♪
[ shouting ]
Music
♪ goin' to kansas city ♪ ♪ kansas city, here I come ♪♪
Scene 15
Scene 15
Saperstein
♪♪ [ continues ] you said you'd have my money.
Bert Zupanic
I'll have it. I swear I will.
Saperstein
I'll call off the damn fight, titanic. I'll have these people cursing your very name!
Bert Zupanic
I'm telling you it'll be here. Don't worry. I promise.
Betty Templeton
Bert! Bert, I got it.
Bert Zupanic
How about ya, buddy?
Saperstein
Let's get ready to rumble.
Bert Zupanic
Oh, baby, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Betty Templeton
It's you and me... All the way.
[ bell dinging ]
Crowd Booing
Yeah!
[ growls, shouts ]
[ shouting ]
Saperstein
Ladies and gentlemen, get out your seats and on your feets... For our own hometown boy,
Unidentified speaker
Whoo!
Saperstein
Bert "the titanic"...
Unidentified speaker
Zupanic!
[ cheering ]
Betty Templeton
Go, titanic!
Bert Zupanic
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Crowd
Let's take him, baby! Let's take him, baby! Whoo!
[ grunting ]
[ no audible dialogue ]
Crowd
Whoo!
[ man whistling ]
[ grunting ]
Crowd
Come on!
Man
Titanic! [ groaning ]
[ shouting ]
[ groans ]
[ shouting ]
Unidentified speaker
Oh, yeah! Come on!
Betty Templeton
Whoo-hoo! Go, titanic! You can do it, titanic!
Fox Mulder
Betty Templeton. My name is Fox Mulder. I'm with the FBI can you come with me?
Betty Templeton
I'm watching the fight!
Fox Mulder
Don't make me have to remove you, ma'am.
Lulu Pfeiffer
I can't believe this. What are you doing here?
Betty Templeton
What are you doing here? I'm Bert's good luck.
Lulu Pfeiffer
He's mine!
Betty Templeton
Over my dead body! Stop it! Stop it! You're going down, lady! I'm gonna kick your butt from here till tuesday! Stick a fork in you! You're done! Hi, baby.
Bert Zupanic
Betty?
Betty Templeton
Bert, keep it up. I love you, baby!
Lulu Pfeiffer
Bert, I got the money.
Bert Zupanic
Lulu?
Lulu Pfeiffer
Kick his butt, Bert.
[ screaming, shouting ]
Bert Zupanic
[ Bert ] Lulu!
[ screams ]
Betty Templeton
No! Bert!
[ shouting continues ]
Betty Templeton
Oh, my.
Lulu Pfeiffer
Oh, my god!
Bert Zupanic
What? Why--
[ shouting ]
[ shouting ]
Scene 16
Scene 16
Dana Scully
Fifty million anonymous donations... Have been made to sperm banks across the u.s. Most have produced healthy offspring for single mothers... Or fertility-challenged couples while some of them have not. Bert Zupanic and his nonfraternal biological sibling-- both small-time bank robbers, part-time pro wrestlers, both with too many idiosyncratic behaviorisms to list-- stood a 27-million-to-one chance of ever meeting, but they did.
Saperstein
Damn, those are some odds.
Dana Scully
Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer-- products of different mothers but the same father, an Angry drifter now doing time for counterfeiting-- chanced to meet 12 years ago, but couldn't seem to avoid each other's compulsively identical mannerisms-- mannerisms attributable to their perpetually Angry father.
Saperstein
Hmm. What does it all mean?
Dana Scully
I've been thinking hard about that, mr. Saperstein. I would like to say it has something to do with balance in the universe-- the attraction of opposites and the repulsion of equivalents. Or, that over time, nature produces only so many originals-- that when two original copies meet, that the result is often unpredictable. If four should meet, the result is-- well, suffice to say, it's better just to avoid these encounters altogether... And at all costs. I think agent Mulder would agree with me.
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.