Male Voice
Give it up, Mulder! You've got no chance!
Season 7 · Episode 19
Hollywood A.D.
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.
Production code7ABX18Original airdate · April 30, 2000
341 dialogue entries
Scene 01
Opening scene
[ gunfire ] [ grunts ]
[ groans ]
Fox Mulder
Damn it.
Male Voice
My sniper zombies are everywhere.
[ grunting ]
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff
I'll offer you a deal. You give me the lazarus bowl, And I'll give you Scully.
Red-Haired Woman’s Voice
Mulder!
Fox Mulder
How 'bout this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the lazarus bowl And shove the pieces... Where the son of god don't shine, you Cigarette-Smoking mackerel snapper. I break the lazarus bowl, And all your sniper zombies... Go back to being good little well-behaved corpses.
[ grunting ]
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff
You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your holy grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words jesus spake... When he raised lazarus from the dead. Still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You can no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.
Rational Zombie
Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't wanna go back to being dead. There's no food, no women, no dancing. Save the bowl, And we'll dump that ciggy-Smoking stooge for you. And you'll be the new king of the dead.
Fox Mulder
I'd rather serve in heaven than rule in hell.
[ both grunting ]
[ both panting ]
Dana Scully
Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are you just happy to be lying on top of me?
Fox Mulder
[ scattered laughter ] my flashlight.
♪♪ [ soft ] [ panting ]
Fox Mulder
Oh, that.
[ laughter ]
Fox Mulder
For seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully.
Dana Scully
Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder. Go on.
Fox Mulder
I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or--
Unidentified speaker
"bs."
[ groans ]
[ kissing continues ]
Scene 02
EIGHTEEN MONTHS EARLIER
Walter Skinner
Yesterday a small pipe bomb ripped through the crypt of christ's church here in D.C. There were no casualties, no thefts, no note making any demand.
Dana Scully
Who's taking credit for it?
Walter Skinner
Nobody.
Man
She: jodie foster's foster child on a payless budget. He's like a jehovah's witness meets harrison ford's witness.
Dana Scully
Uh, christ's church. Isn't that Cardinal O'Fallon's church?
Walter Skinner
Yes, O'Fallon's residence is adjacent to the crypt.
Fox Mulder
Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?
Man
Cardinal "o'fallen" perhaps.
Dana Scully
Um, he's one of the most powerful men in the church today. His name often comes up as a possibility for the first American pope.
Fox Mulder
[ cell phone ringing ] oh. I don't wanna be myopic, but this looks like a straight-up terrorist act for the a.t.f.
Man
"myopic." [ cell phone ringing ]
Walter Skinner
Yes, it does.
Fox Mulder
[ ringing continues ] are you gonna answer your phone?
Man
Me?
Fox Mulder
Yeah.
Man
I didn't wanna be rude.
Fox Mulder
Sir, who the hell is this guy?
Man
Hello.
Walter Skinner
This is Wayne Federman. He's an old buddy of mine from college. He's a writer out in hollywood now And he's working on a FBI-based movie. He's asked me to give him access.
Dana Scully
A screenwriter?
Wayne Federman
It's actually writer/producer.
Fox Mulder
That's actually just a hindrance/pain in the neck.
Wayne Federman
Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't wanna eat your lunch. I'm just here for some procedural flavor. Just a taste.
Fox Mulder
I have no idea what you just said.
Wayne Federman
Well, the skin man's filled me in on your particular bent. He said that you come at things maybe a little farkatke, a little star trekkie, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing. It's a silence of the lambs meets greatest story ever told type thing. It's... Beautiful And I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly heisenbergian. A hologram.
Walter Skinner
Agent Mulder, mr. Federman will accompany you today to christ's church... Where he will act as an observer on this case. You will extend to him every courtesy And protection you would a friend of the bureau's. Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
[ laughs ]
Fox Mulder
Sir, have I pissed you off... In a way that's more than normal?
Scene 03
Scene 03
Wayne Federman
Just curious if she's more than your partner.
Fox Mulder
Enough, Wayne.
Wayne Federman
Hey, whatever.
[ bells chiming ]
Fox Mulder
Cardinal O'Fallon, can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life?
Cardinal O'Fallon
The church always has enemies, agent Mulder.
Fox Mulder
The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
Cardinal O'Fallon
Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics, documents that we store down there in the cold. I like to think of it as god's refrigerator.
Wayne Federman
That's a great line.
Cardinal O'Fallon
Thank you.
Wayne Federman
God's refrigerator.
Fox Mulder
Wayne, shut up.
Cardinal O'Fallon
No treasures to the outside world. Things of negligible monetary value, but great spiritual value to the church-- ancient devotional texts, medieval relics.
Wayne Federman
How 'bout the shroud of turin?
Cardinal O'Fallon
No, I'm afraid not. But we do have the bathrobe of st. Peter.
Wayne Federman
You're kidding?
Cardinal O'Fallon
Yes, I am.
Wayne Federman
That's a good line.
Cardinal O'Fallon
Thank you.
Fox Mulder
Wayne, shut up. Who comes down to the crypt here?
Cardinal O'Fallon
Only myself. A half a mile of catacombs here. I like to walk here during lunch. That's where the bomb went off.
Fox Mulder
Well, my instinct, Cardinal, is to see this desecration of the dead less as a murder attempt... And more as a terrorist act. [ cell phone ringing ] a message--
Wayne Federman
Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you. [ ringing continues ]
Fox Mulder
Excuse me. That's, uh-- that's not me.
Cardinal O'Fallon
Let me check. Not me. We never get reception here.
[ ringing continues ]
[ ringing continues ]
Wayne Federman
Would that be st. Jude's cell phone, Cardinal?
Fox Mulder
No. That's Micah Hoffman.
[ ringing stops ]
Scene 04
ADAMS MORGAN DISTRICT
Fox Mulder
Micah Hoffman, willie mays And frank serpico. That's my holy trinity, Scully.
Dana Scully
Of course I'm too young to remember, but... Wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical like a jerry rubin or a mario savio?
Fox Mulder
Name a '60s counterculture movement And Micah Hoffman was at or near the center of it. He was one of the original weathermen. He was the first yippie. He was a better poet than ginsberg. And he was also the starting shortstop for his columbia baseball team.
Wayne Federman
Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?
Fox Mulder
Right after altamont. He was never heard from again.
Wayne Federman
The stones get blamed for everything. I don't get it.
Fox Mulder
This should be it here. What did Skinner want you for this morning?
Dana Scully
Just paperwork.
Wayne Federman
Mm-hmm.
Dana Scully
Mulder, we should have a warrant.
Wayne Federman
It's only the constitution. No big deal.
Fox Mulder
Wow. "
Wayne Federman
Dis-feng-shui."
Dana Scully
Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your trinity, but it looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Wayne Federman
Well, from dharma bum to dharma bomb.
Fox Mulder
I knew Hoffman was a master potter.
Dana Scully
Well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well. Look, Mulder, we've got gum arabic And sodium hydroxide here. Whew! These would be used to, uh-- to age the ink And the paper prematurely. It's a forger's trick.
Wayne Federman
Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
Fox Mulder
All right, one more pun And I pull out my gun. Scully, look at that. "cristos." looks like a religious text. Can you read greek at all?
Dana Scully
Well, it's pretty rusty. But it looks like some kind of lost gospel. A gospel of mary magdalene. And "an account of christ's life on earth after the resurrection."
Fox Mulder
After?
Dana Scully
Yeah. It's a heretical text, Mulder. Mythical I should say, but long rumored to be in existence.
Fox Mulder
What would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical religious texts?
Dana Scully
I think the question is, what would Hoffman be doing forging them?
Wayne Federman
Ay-yi-yi. I think the real question, agents, is what might O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries? You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Don't shoot!
Scene 05
Scene 05
Wayne Federman
I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns. Should I call you agent Mulder or mr. Mulder... Or do you have a nickname or something like that?
Fox Mulder
Shh, shh!
[ rattling ]
Wayne Federman
Like skin man? Just ignore me.
Fox Mulder
What's that? Looks like the same gospel of mary Scully ID'd over at Hoffman's place.
Wayne Federman
So, is this a forgery or is this the real thing?
Fox Mulder
Well, there is no real gospel of mary, Federman. The original would be a fake.
Wayne Federman
All right. So is this a real fake or a fake fake?
[ cell phone ringing ] [ gasps ]
Wayne Federman
It's me. Yes? Nothing new. No, I can hear you. It's just your Voice is-- there's like a crackly sound And then I hear the syllables. Stop yelling. Yelling isn't helping the situation.
Fox Mulder
Hmm.
Wayne Federman
Just talk. You're breaking up. No. Let me call you back. Okay. Yeah, I'm telling you. I'm going through a crypt.
♪♪ [ organ ] [ gasps ]
Wayne Federman
Wow. Oh, my god.
Scene 06
Scene 06
Dana Scully
Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there... And that your eyes were playing tricks on you. And you've been influenced by ghost stories And horror movies... That take place in crypts And graveyards. And you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones... Trying to reconstruct this bowl.
Wayne Federman
No, I didn't hallucinate. That was mechanical or c.g.I.
Fox Mulder
Federman, that wasn't a movie. That was real life.
Wayne Federman
The difference being? Well, I have got my flavor here. So, I appreciate all your help. I've got a movie to write.
Fox Mulder
You're leaving? You don't wanna get to the bottom of this?
Wayne Federman
Not especially.
Fox Mulder
Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Wayne Federman
Well, fiction is quicker than truth And cheaper. You want my advice? You're both crazy.
Fox Mulder
Why do you say that?
Wayne Federman
Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe And... You're crazy for not believing what he believes. I'll leave you with that. Thank you.
Fox Mulder
I miss him already.
Dana Scully
You know, Mulder, I know that Federman's b.s.ing you. So I'm really hesitant to mention this. But, um, his story reminds me of the lazarus bowl.
Fox Mulder
The lazarus bowl?
Dana Scully
We had this wacky nun in catholic school-- sister callahan. We used to call her sr. Spooky 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Fox Mulder
Twisted sister. That's my kind of nun, you know.
Dana Scully
Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it. And she would say, "this is an actual piece of the cross christ's wrist was nailed to." or she'd show us a vial of red liquid... And say that it was john the baptist's blood or something.
Fox Mulder
She'd be in prison today. You realize that?
Dana Scully
Well, she would tell this story of when jesus raised lazarus from the dead. And she said that there was this old woman who was lazarus's aunt or something,
Fox Mulder
Lazarus's aunt?
Dana Scully
Who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby. And that christ's words, the actual incantation to raise the dead, were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery... Just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
Fox Mulder
You see? It's just not true you can't get good science at catholic school. It's a lie.
Dana Scully
Well, sr. Spooky... Says that these words in the clay... Still have the power to raise the dead just like jesus raised lazarus.
Fox Mulder
That is a very cool story coming from you, Scully. I'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office. See if this clay has christ's greatest hits on it. And I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go have another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.
[ machine humming ]
Scene 07
Scene 07
Chuck Burks
There's music in the air, agent Scully. See, everything that exists vibrates, And therefore sings-- the street, your internal organs, electricity, everything. Here, I'll show you. You see? This is my Voice bouncing around in the red here. And all this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out. It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn tapes on pause, sounds from the street. Everything we hear but we don't know we hear... I can hear it with this machine. Oh.
Dana Scully
What is it?
♪♪ [ indistinct choral ]
Chuck Burks
Who made this?
Dana Scully
We're not sure. Either a forger by the name of Micah Hoffman... Or, uh, someone else in the vicinity of jesus christ.
Unidentified speaker
"buzzinga."
Chuck Burks
Whoever did it is some kind of a musical genius. This clay is vibrating in all the keys at once. It's heavenly.
Scene 08
Scene 08
Fox Mulder
Can you translate what it says there for me, please?
Cardinal O'Fallon
Did you recover them from the crypt?
Fox Mulder
Yes.
Cardinal O'Fallon
"And then jesus took his beloved mary magdalene in an embrace. "an embrace not of god And woman, but of man And woman. "And jesus said to mary, 'love the body... "'for it is all of the soul... That our senses can perceive.'"
Fox Mulder
And how about these?
Cardinal O'Fallon
These appear to be copies of the original.
Fox Mulder
Rough drafts.
Cardinal O'Fallon
How?
Fox Mulder
They're all forgeries, sir. Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman?
Cardinal O'Fallon
I thought they were real.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, I can understand that. Hoffman was a master. My partner had them analyzed, And they're indistinguishable from the real thing. The paper is authentic, the ink, the hand, the diction, everything. Hoffman was also an explosives expert. Do you have any idea what he might have been doing with a bomb in the crypt? Can you think of anybody who might have wanted to kill Micah Hoffman?
Cardinal O'Fallon
No.
Fox Mulder
Why were you hiding the documents, sir?
Cardinal O'Fallon
When Micah came to me... With these, as I then thought ancient texts, And our experts verified them, it exploded a bomb in my heart. The christ that I loved was not the christ in these texts.
Fox Mulder
So you bought them in order to hide them.
Cardinal O'Fallon
To keep others from feeling the despair... And the anger that I felt. To protect people from what I can now see they needed no protection from.
Fox Mulder
Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself?
Cardinal O'Fallon
I thought they were real. I hated them. I despised them. I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't. Is being made a fool of a crime, agent Mulder?
Fox Mulder
I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
Dana Scully
[ ringing ] Scully.
Scene 09
Scene 09
Fox Mulder
Hey, Scully, it's me. Can you horn in on the Hoffman autopsy for me?
Dana Scully
Why?
Fox Mulder
I got a feeling Hoffman was dead before he died. He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those forgeries. Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.
Dana Scully
Mulder, this bowl-- your buddy Chuck Burks says that it has properties he's never seen before.
Fox Mulder
[ line beeps ] hold on a second. That's my other line. Mulder.
Wayne Federman
Agent Mulder? It's Wayne/Federman out in l.a.
Fox Mulder
I can't talk about the case.
Wayne Federman
That's all right. Skin man's keeping me in the loop. Listen. Who do you see playing you in the movie?
Fox Mulder
I'm in the movie?
Wayne Federman
It's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation.
Fox Mulder
Hold on a second, Wayne. Sr. Spooky, I gotta take this.
Dana Scully
I'll call you after the autopsy.
Fox Mulder
Thanks. How 'bout richard gere? [ laughing hysterically ]
Wayne Federman
Yeah, okay. Seriously. What if I said to you the name Garry Shandling?
Fox Mulder
Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said Garry Shandling.
Wayne Federman
Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you. And tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner. You stud. The movie's called the lazarus bowl.
Fox Mulder
How do you know about the lazarus bowl?
Wayne Federman
The skin man. Listen, Shandling And Leoni wanna meet you guys. Get your flavor. It's an Actor type thing. Come on out to the studio on our dime. We'll make it nice.
Fox Mulder
Hey, who's-- well, then who's gonna play Skinner in the movie?
Wayne Federman
Richard gere.
[ stammering ]
Scene 10
Scene 10
Dana Scully
Fracturing of skull And surface abrasions... Initially consistent with concussive force injuries. I am, uh, now weighing the heart which is... Relatively normal, although somewhat large.
Micah Hoffman’s Corpse
I'm gonna need that when you're done with it. [ gasps ]
Dana Scully
Oh, my god!
Unidentified speaker
Hoo-yeah!
Dana Scully
Who are you?
Micah Hoffman’s Corpse
I am who I am.
Unidentified speaker
Uh-uh. [ speaking latin ]
Dana Scully
Ow! Damn it!
Scene 11
Scene 11
Fox Mulder
What'd you find, Scully?
Dana Scully
In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were traces of red wine And strychnine.
Fox Mulder
Man, oh, manischewitz. Communion wine I bet. I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman, then placed his body near the explosion to cover his tracks.
Dana Scully
That's possible, Mulder.
Fox Mulder
I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.
Cardinal O'Fallon
You are the one god, living And true.
Scene 12
Scene 12
Cardinal O'Fallon
Through all eternity you live an unapproachable life.
Dana Scully
Mulder, let's allow the man some dignity, okay?
Cardinal O'Fallon
You fill your creatures with every blessing... And lead all men to the joyful vision of your life. In our joy, we sing to your glory with all the choirs of angels. Holy, holy, holy lord. God of power And might. Heaven And earth are full of your glory. Hosanna in the highest. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord. Hosanna in the highest.
[ speaks latin ]
Cardinal O'Fallon
Lord jesus christ, you said to your apostles, "I leave you in peace. My peace I give you."
Dana Scully
Let's get this over with.
Cardinal O'Fallon
And grant us the peace And unity of your kingdom. Amen.
Fox Mulder
Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest for the murder of Micah Hoffman. You have the right to remain silent.
Dana Scully
Oh, my god.
Fox Mulder
Anything you say can And will be used against you in--
Dana Scully
Mulder. Do you see what I see?
Fox Mulder
Yes, I do.
Dana Scully
Is that Micah Hoffman?
Cardinal O'Fallon
Yes, it is.
Scene 13
Scene 13
Walter Skinner
Misidentification of a Corpse And subsequent unrequested autopsy.
Dana Scully
Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman. He had Hoffman's ID on him.
Walter Skinner
Agent Scully, if I'm carrying marilyn monroe's purse, do you assume that I slept with j.f.k.? Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself with the speedy expedition of cases. But this is the first time, And I hope you're as proud of this as I am, that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive!
Fox Mulder
A bomb went off. A crime's been committed. There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about. O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming. And Hoffman at the very least is guilty of forgery And extortion.
Walter Skinner
Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone! Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away! Best case scenario, you get to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon And the church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the bureau... Which will feature you two as the sacrificial lambs! As of right now, I'm forcing you to take a four-week leave, effective immediately pending review.
Fox Mulder
I think this whole richard gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
Dana Scully
We're off this case, Mulder.
Chuck Burks
Compadres. I teased out something very fabulous from your pottery there. Layered in under the ambience-- [ Voice speaking ] there. Guess what language that is.
Fox Mulder
Chuck, I've had a bad day.
Chuck Burks
It's a dead language. I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording. It's aramaic.
Dana Scully
That's the language that christ spoke. Did your, uh, linguist happen to translate it?
Chuck Burks
Yes, he did. It's in two parts. The first part, here, roughly translates as, "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead. Goo goo g'joob." although there is no aramaic word for walrus. So it literally says, "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."
Fox Mulder
What's the second part?
Chuck Burks
The second part's a little freakier. Here.
Dana Scully
What is it?
Chuck Burks
It appears to be one man... Commanding another to rise from the dead.
[ Voice continues ]
Dana Scully
Lazarus?
Scene 14
Scene 14
Micah Hoffman
I am become jesus christ.
Fox Mulder
I am become skeptical.
Micah Hoffman
There I was totally bumming after altamont. And I thought, throw in the towel And go to law school... Or continue to fight And become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
Fox Mulder
I suppose that's a choice every young, gifted, American male is faced with.
Micah Hoffman
I knew O'Fallon from college. He was a divinity professor of mine.
Fox Mulder
At columbia?
Micah Hoffman
Yeah. And he is a decent man, but with an overweening pride... And sense of responsibility born of a fundamental... Lack of respect for the human animal. He believes in god, but not in man... And man's ability to choose to live in freedom. He has christ in his brain, but not in his heart.
Dana Scully
[ scoffs ] so, uh, you created a christ... In these forgeries that was more suited to your particular world view?
Micah Hoffman
Yeah, but before I could write like christ, I had to become him, in much the same way I imagine an Actor who plays a part becomes that part. So I immersed myself in jesus christ. Not just the church And teachings, but the man, the custom of his time, the language, the vibe, the feeling of christ.
Dana Scully
So why didn't O'Fallon And the elders... Go outside the church for authentification?
Micah Hoffman
Because the forgeries are too damning of the church. They couldn't risk the exposure. But then... Something truly weird came over me.
Dana Scully
Remorse?
Micah Hoffman
Conversion, agent Scully. The lightning bolt... That transformed saul to paul on the road to damascus. One day, I was not just impersonating jesus christ, I had become him. That's why I blew up the crypt. The forgeries were blasphemous And needed to be destroyed.
Fox Mulder
How did your... Cell phone get on the dead man in the crypt?
Micah Hoffman
God works in mysterious ways.
Scene 15
Scene 15
Mulder And Tv
[ speaking along with TV ] well, as long as they can think, we'll have our problems. But those whom they are using cannot think. They are the dead brought to assimilate life by our electrode attempts.
Fox Mulder
It's open!
Mulder And Tv
You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider... You earth people who can think...
Tv
Are so frightened by those who cannot-- the dead.
Fox Mulder
Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Dana Scully
Plan 9 from outer space?
Fox Mulder
Yeah. It's the ed wood investigative method. This movie is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way... That it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind... And frees up my right brain to make socio-poetic leaps. And I started flashing on Hoffman And O'Fallon. How there's this archetypal relationship. Like Hoffman's jesus to O'Fallon's judas. Or Hoffman's jesus to O'Fallon's dostoyevsky's grand inquisitor. Or Hoffman's jesus to O'Fallon's st. Paul.
Dana Scully
How 'bout Hoffman's roadrunner to O'Fallon's wile e. Coyote? Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Yeah?
Dana Scully
Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really jesus christ?
Fox Mulder
Are you making fun of me?
Dana Scully
No.
Fox Mulder
Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.
Dana Scully
Well, yes, I know that. Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
Fox Mulder
Are you directing that at me?
Dana Scully
No! I'm directing it at myself And at ed wood.
Fox Mulder
Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
Dana Scully
How-- forty-two. You've seen this movie 42 times?
Fox Mulder
Yes.
Dana Scully
Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.
Actor 1
You ever been to hollywood?
Actor 2
A couple of times a few years ago.
Actor 1
You're going to be there in the morning. Just a few minutes from hollywood in the town of san fernando. Reports have come in of saucers flying so low--
Fox Mulder
You know, Scully, we've got four-weeks probation vacation And nothing to do. And Wayne Federman's invited us out to l.a. To watch his movie being filmed. And god knows I could use a little sunshine. Scully?
Dana Scully
California, here we come.
[ bell rings ]
Man
Beep, beep.
Scene 16
Scene 16
Wayne Federman
Agents? So glad you could hang. Come on. I want you to meet the people that are gonna play you. Garry Shandling, tea Leoni, this is agents Mulder And Scully. It's a pleasure.
Fox Mulder
Nice to meet you. Big fan. Fox Mulder.
Téa Leoni
No kidding? You know, while I've got you here, maybe, uh-- maybe you could show me how to run in these things. Right over here I was thinking 'cause, I tell you-- I mean, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels.
Garry Shandling
Hey, uh--
Fox Mulder
Hi.
Garry Shandling
How are you? Seriously, listen. Can I ask you something?
Fox Mulder
Sure.
Garry Shandling
Do you dress to the left or to the right?
Fox Mulder
What-- what do you mean?
[ clears throat ]
Garry Shandling
Look, when I play a character, I need to find his center, his sort of rudder, so to say. And then everything comes from that.
Fox Mulder
Uh-- I guess mostly to the left.
Garry Shandling
Mostly?
Fox Mulder
Most of the time.
Garry Shandling
Most of the time... To the left.
Fox Mulder
Mm-hmm.
Garry Shandling
Wardrobe!
[ bell ringing ]
Woman
Rolling!
Sugar Bear
And "rollando." come on, now. Kick it in the ass. And action, zombies!
Zombie
[ screaming ] what is this?
Sugar Bear
[ director ] cut. Go ahead, ruin my career.
Production Assistant
What seems to be the problem?
Zombie
What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What is tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
Production Assistant
Craft services, what is tea Leoni's shoulder made of?
Tina (craft services)
Turkey, just like you asked for.
Production Assistant
Turkey. Miss Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey. Tofu turkey!
Zombie
Tofurkey! I asked for Tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarians! Oh, my god!
Tofurkey Zombie
The people are made out of turkey!
Scene 17
THE BEVERLY ERNESTO HOTEL
Fox Mulder
Hello?
Dana Scully
Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?
Fox Mulder
I'm, uh, working at the computer. What are you doing?
Dana Scully
I'm, uh, packing. Just getting ready for our trip back to D.C. Tomorrow.
Fox Mulder
Scully, I was just thinking about lazarus, ed wood And those Tofurkey-eatin' zombies. How come when people come back from the dead, they always wanna hurt the living?
Dana Scully
Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. Ghosts And zombies are just projections of our own repressed... Cannibalistic And sexual fears And desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart. Just mindless automatons who can only kill And eat.
Fox Mulder
Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. They've just come back from being dead, so they're gonna do all the things they missed. So first they're gonna eat, then they're gonna drink. Then they're gonna dance And make love.
Dana Scully
Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough... To see the gentler side of the undead.
Fox Mulder
Exactly. [ line beeps ] hold on a second. That's my other line. Hello?
Walter Skinner
Agent Mulder, it's Assistant director Skinner. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
Fox Mulder
No, sir. I'm just at the computer.
Walter Skinner
I wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the Hoffman/O'Fallon case.
Fox Mulder
Oh. I appreciate that, skin man.
Walter Skinner
Don't call me that.
Fox Mulder
Yes, sir. Um, where are you now?
Walter Skinner
I'm right underneath you. I'm in l.a. At the same hotel as you, right below you And agent Scully. Federman got me an associate producer credit on the movie.
Fox Mulder
A.p. Skinner, huh? Uh, so what are you up to right now, sir?
Walter Skinner
I'm taking a bubble bath.
Fox Mulder
Uh, hold on just one second, sir. Hey, Scully, skin man is calling me from a bubble bath.
Walter Skinner
It's still me, Mulder.
Fox Mulder
Uh, sorry. Just-just hold on one second, sir. Scully? Yeah. Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
Dana Scully
Wow. He's really gone hollywood.
Fox Mulder
Totally.
Dana Scully
You know, Mulder, speaking of hollywood, I think that tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Fox Mulder
Oh, yeah, right. Like tea Leoni's ever gonna have a crush on me.
Dana Scully
I think that Shandling likes you a bit too.
Fox Mulder
Really?
Scene 18
SIXTEEN MONTHS LATER
Fox Mulder
I love you, Scully. No, ifs, ands or-- "bs."
Dana Scully
Wait. Wait, Mulder. I can't.
Fox Mulder
I know this feels wrong because we're friends... And we treat each other as equals, but--
Dana Scully
No. No, it's not that. It's not that.
Fox Mulder
Well, what then?
Dana Scully
I'm in love with Assistant director Walter Skinner.
Fox Mulder
That's it, Scully. I just can't take it anymore.
Dana Scully
Shh, Mulder. Sit down.
Fox Mulder
What does he have that I don't have?
Dana Scully
A bigger flashlight.
[ laughter ]
Dana Scully
I've been looking all over for you.
Fox Mulder
They got it so wrong, Scully.
Dana Scully
I got a page from the Washington bureau. Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight. Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O'Fallon, who then hanged himself. A murder/suicide.
Fox Mulder
It's jesus And judas, Scully.
Dana Scully
Well, it's all over now.
Fox Mulder
No, no. It's just beginning. Hoffman And O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people. And now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie. The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." how silly is that?
Dana Scully
Pretty silly.
Fox Mulder
And what about us? How are we gonna be remembered now because of this movie?
Dana Scully
Well, hopefully the movie will tank.
Fox Mulder
What about all the dead people who are forever silent And can't tell their stories anymore? They're all gonna have to rely on hollywood to show the future how we lived. And it'll all become oversimplified... And trivialized And Cigarette-Smoking "pontificized"... And become as plastic And meaningless... As this stupid plastic lazarus bowl.
Dana Scully
I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them. Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude. You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set?
Fox Mulder
The dead are everywhere, Scully.
Dana Scully
Well, we're alive. And we're relatively young. And Skinner was so tickled by the movie...
Fox Mulder
I bet he was.
Dana Scully
That he has given us a bureau credit card... To use for the evening. Come on. Mulder, I have something to confess.
Fox Mulder
What's that?
Dana Scully
I'm in love with associate producer Walter Skinner.
[ both laugh ]
Fox Mulder
Ah, me too.
[ static humming ]
♪♪ [ slow samba ]
♪♪ [ ends ]
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.