Joe Cutrona
Three.
Season 7 · Episode 6
The Goldberg Variation
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.
Production code7ABX02Original airdate · December 12, 1999
286 dialogue entries
Scene 01
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
Grey-Haired Player
Give me two.
Bald Player
Two.
Henry Weems
Can I have five cards, please?
Dealer
Five? What, are you serious? Four's the limit. Let's see your ace.
Joe Cutrona
If mr. Weems wants five, give him five.
[ dealing cards ]
Dealer
Dealer takes two.
Joe Cutrona
Four.
Grey-Haired Player
Nah.
Henry Weems
How much is that?
Dealer
Four grand keeps you in-- you and your five shiny new cards.
[ chuckles ]
Henry Weems
There's 4,000. And four more.
Joe Cutrona
Let's make this interesting. I'm raising you 15 large.
Henry Weems
I wouldn't do that. This is all I need.
Joe Cutrona
You're gonna need depends... After you see this hand.
Henry Weems
Now we show each other our cards?
[ sighs ]
Joe Cutrona
Four kings.
Henry Weems
That's a straight flush, right? Beginner's luck.
Joe Cutrona
What the hell do you think you're doin'?
Henry Weems
Going home.
Joe Cutrona
No, no. Not so fast. We expect a chance to win some of our money back.
Henry Weems
Guys, there's over a hundred thousand dollars here.
Joe Cutrona
You're damn right there's over a hundred thousand dollars there.
Henry Weems
A hundred thousand's all I need. Sorry. I had fun, though. Where can I cash out?
♪♪ [ soft rock playing over speakers ]
Henry Weems
Guys, I think we're going up instead of down. Guys? Guys, this is not what I meant by "cashing out." hey! Hey!
[ screaming ]
[ grunts ]
[ line ringing ]
Scene 02
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
Fox Mulder
Hello?
Dana Scully
Mulder, it's me. What now?
Fox Mulder
Are you in chicago?
Dana Scully
Yes, I'm in chicago. I'm on the northeast corner of seventh and hunter just like you asked. Only you're not here. So where are you?
Fox Mulder
Oh, around.
Dana Scully
Yeah?
Fox Mulder
Hey, nice outfit.
Dana Scully
Hey. What's down there?
Fox Mulder
Before you check out down there, check out up there. The top two floors are leased to one jimmy catrona, whose name you might be familiar with.
Dana Scully
Organized crime. The bureau's been trying to build a racketeering case against him the past few years. Gambling, extortion, murder.
Fox Mulder
Which is why last night there were two agents parked across the street in surveillance. They witnessed a man being thrown from catrona's roof at 10:40 p.m. This man fell 30 floors, plus the distance down this shaft... Because these doors just happened to be open, straight through, nothing but net.
Dana Scully
Ouch.
Fox Mulder
I'm guessing that's what he said... After he got up, climbed out of here and scampered off into the night.
Dana Scully
Mulder, you keep saying this man. Who is this man?
Fox Mulder
No idea. He got away. The agents gave chase, but no clear description.
Dana Scully
Was this basement thoroughly searched?
Fox Mulder
No. Technically, falling 300 feet and surviving isn't a crime.
Dana Scully
And your theory is?
Fox Mulder
What if this man had some kind of special capability-- some kind of genetic predisposition towards... Rapid healing or tissue regeneration?
Dana Scully
So basically, what we if were looking for wile e. Coyote? You're saying that he's invulnerable. Right? Yeah. In 1998, there was a british soldier who plummeted 4,500 feet when his parachute failed. Then he walked away with a broken rib.
Fox Mulder
What's your point?
Dana Scully
My point is that if there's... A wind gust or a sudden updraft, and plus if he landed in exactly the right way-- I mean, I don't know. Maybe he just got lucky.
Fox Mulder
What if he got really, really lucky? That's your big scientific explanation, Scully? I mean, how many thousands of variables would have to convene... In just the right mixture for that theory to hold water?
Dana Scully
I don't know.
Fox Mulder
No. Thousands.
Dana Scully
Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Yeah?
Dana Scully
Look at this. If this cart were on the platform when he hit, that would explain the wheels. And what if this whole thing had just enough give to save his life?
Fox Mulder
We'd have to find him to ask.
Dana Scully
Yeah, we'd have to find him.
Fox Mulder
Looks like maybe we found part of him already.
[ doorbell buzzing ]
Scene 03
MELROSE PARK, ILLINOIS
Dana Scully
I think you're taking a flier here, Mulder. There's gotta be at least 600 people with prosthetic eyes in the greater chicago area.
Fox Mulder
But only this one Henry Weems made an appointment this morning to get a new one.
Dana Scully
Maybe he can't see his way to the door.
[ door opens ]
Fox Mulder
Come on, Scully. I'm feeling lucky.
[ elevator bell dings ]
[ door opens ]
Maggie Lupone
Can you help me? It's an emergency.
[ water spraying ]
Dana Scully
Ma'am, we're not plumbers.
Maggie Lupone
I didn't say you were. I just want the damn water turned off so I can go to work. You gotta be stronger than me, right? Valve's under the sink.
Fox Mulder
Your building super Henry Weems, he isn't around?
Maggie Lupone
Mr. Dependable? Might as well wait for jimmy hoffa to show up.
Richie Lupone
You're turning it the wrong way.
Maggie Lupone
Hey, Richie, sweetheart, back in bed.
Richie Lupone
But, mom--
Maggie Lupone
Butts are for sitting, and I want yours back in bed. He's right. Clockwise.
Fox Mulder
I know that. Clockwise.
[ floorboards creaking ]
Dana Scully
You okay, Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Yeah, it's all right. My ass broke the fall. Guess who I found. Henry Weems, I presume?
Henry Weems
Next time leave the plumbing to a professional.
Fox Mulder
Oh, uh-- oh, uh, you wanna try this on for size, cinderella?
Dana Scully
Mr. Weems, why were you hiding in a vacant apartment?
Henry Weems
Not hiding. Avoiding.
Dana Scully
Avoiding whom?
Henry Weems
You people. Now that you found me, let's just get it over with. No way am I testifying against jimmy catrona.
Dana Scully
Last night, catrona had you thrown off the roof of 1107 hunter avenue. Is that correct?
Henry Weems
You didn't hear it from me. I'm not letting you people move me to muncie, indiana to milk cows.
Fox Mulder
More to the point, you survived a 300-foot fall, essentially unharmed.
Henry Weems
I don't know. Maybe the wind was just right. And I landed on a bunch of towels. No biggie.
Dana Scully
You got lucky?
Henry Weems
Yeah, I guess. Except you should look at my bruise.
[ moans ]
Henry Weems
Plus, I didn't get to keep my poker winnings.
Dana Scully
So, that's what you were doing there last night, playing poker?
Henry Weems
Catrona thought I was cheating. I wasn't. But like I said, you didn't hear it from me.
Fox Mulder
Must've been a high-stakes game, I imagine. Did you win a lot of money?
Henry Weems
I don't know. A little.
Fox Mulder
What is that? Did you make it?
Henry Weems
Uh-huh. It's sort of a hobby.
Fox Mulder
Mm-hmm. Mind if I-- ah. That's craftsmanship. Wow. What does it mean?
Henry Weems
What do you mean what does it mean?
Fox Mulder
What's--
Henry Weems
It doesn't mean anything. I just sort of-- I don't know.
Fox Mulder
It's cause and effect.
Henry Weems
So, are-- are we done here?
Dana Scully
Mr. Weems? Can I ask you to reconsider testifying against catrona?
Henry Weems
Nope. No way, jose.
Dana Scully
It would be in your best interest. He's tried to kill you once, and he will undoubtedly do it again.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, we can protect you.
Henry Weems
I'll take my chances.
Dana Scully
So, here's the plan as I see it. We inform the chicago field office about Weems, leaving it to them to secure his testimony. You change your clothes, we fly back to D.C. By sunset and all is right with the world.
Fox Mulder
Come on, Scully. Are you gonna dump this case just as it's getting interesting?
Dana Scully
Interesting, Mulder, was when we were looking for wile e. Coyote. Come on, Mulder. This guy just got lucky. There's no X-File here.
Fox Mulder
Maybe his luck is the X-File.
Dana Scully
Stairs.
[ elevator bell dings ]
Fox Mulder
Oh. Car keys. Must have lost 'em when I fell.
[ doorbell buzzing ]
[ gunshot ]
[ gasps ]
Scene 04
Scene 04
Fox Mulder
So, you get many of these?
Unidentified speaker
Okay.
Dana Scully
So, uh, they searched the entire building, and there's no sign of Henry Weems. I'm guessing that he's on the run.
Fox Mulder
Our dead man's name is angelo bellini, a.k.a., angie the animal. He's an enforcer for the catrona family. And I don't think his visit was friendly.
Dana Scully
You think that Weems could have killed him in self-defense?
Fox Mulder
A skinny guy with no depth perception against a man nicknamed the animal? I don't think so. You and I both know Weems didn't kill anybody. Besides, we were gone for two minutes. This guy doesn't have a scratch on him. I'm thinking it was a heart attack.
Dana Scully
What the hell happened here, Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Cause and effect.
Dana Scully
Meaning?
Fox Mulder
Okay, so watch. So bellini kicks down the door. Poised to kill Weems, right? But just as he's about to pull the trigger, a noise startles him. The buzzer when I buzzed to be let back in the apartment. So when he does pull the trigger, his aim is off. Right? And he hits the lamp... Which falls over and knocks over the ironing board. So as the bullet ricochets, Weems dives over the sofa. Now when bellini goes for him, he trips over the ironing board, bounces off the chair, flips end-over-end... And his shoelace gets caught in the fan-- q.e.d. Cause and effect. Seemingly unrelated and unconnected events and occurrences... That appear unrelated and random beforehand, but which seem to chain-react in Henry Weems' favor.
Dana Scully
Dumb luck?
Fox Mulder
Yeah. He seems to have tapped into it somehow. He won big at poker, he survived getting thrown off a skyscraper, and now this.
Dana Scully
Hang on a second.
Fox Mulder
Okay.
Dana Scully
Hey, your name's Richie, right?
Richie Lupone
Yeah.
Dana Scully
I'm Dana.
Richie Lupone
Hi.
Dana Scully
Why don't we, uh, head back to your room. I'm sure that's what your mom would want. So, I'm guessing you're a sports fan. Which one's your favorite?
Richie Lupone
Well, it used to be basketball, but now the bulls suck, so I think maybe baseball.
Dana Scully
I like baseball too. Did Henry make this for you?
[ bell ringing ]
[ chuckles ]
Dana Scully
That's pretty neat.
Richie Lupone
Yeah. He made it for me when I was in the hospital. He said it's 'cause everything happens for a reason. Only just sometimes it's hard for us to see.
Dana Scully
You went to the hospital because of your liver?
Richie Lupone
It doesn't work so good. Police looking for Henry?
Dana Scully
Yeah. They just wanna talk to him. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?
Richie Lupone
Mm-mm. Since I got sick, he hardly ever goes out.
Fox Mulder
The boy give you any leads?
Dana Scully
He knows nothing. Mulder, as to your theory,
Fox Mulder
Mm-hmm?
Dana Scully
Why would the world's most supernaturally lucky man... Work as a building superintendent? I mean, why doesn't he just run down to the illinois state lottery, enter and, you know, he'd win automatically?
[ door opens ]
[ door closes ]
[ footsteps ]
[ chuckles ]
Henry Weems
How you feelin', pal?
Richie Lupone
I'm okay. The police are lookin' for you, though. How come?
Henry Weems
Uh, you know. You do folks a favor, wire their joint for free cable-- don't worry about it. You gonna be okay by yourself for a while?
Richie Lupone
Where you goin'?
Henry Weems
Somethin' I gotta do I've been puttin' off. You get some rest.
Dana Scully
That's it? You've got nothing else? Okay, thank you.
Fox Mulder
Henry Weems has no police record, I assume.
Dana Scully
He has no record of any kind, Mulder. He doesn't earn enough in a year to file tax returns. He has no savings account, no checking account, no insurance. Doesn't even have a video rental card for that matter. Doesn't even have a driver's license. I mean, it's like he's intentionally stayed off the radar. He's retired from the world.
Fox Mulder
Ever since december 1989. That's when a commuter jet crashed into lake michigan... Carrying 21 passengers. There was one survivor.
Dana Scully
Henry.
Fox Mulder
Yeah. That's how he lost his eye. Snowy night, christmas rush. He'd been bumped from three flights... Before they finally found a seat for him on that fateful plane. Guess what seat number.
Dana Scully
Thirteen?
Fox Mulder
Of flight seven.
Dana Scully
More good luck you're saying?
Fox Mulder
Call it good or bad, but maybe that's where it all started. What if a brand-new Henry Weems was plucked from the wreckage-- one whose fortunes had been irrevocably permanently changed? Before 1989, Henry held down a job for nine years at a train yard. But after the accident, as you said, it's like he disappeared off the face of the earth. He severed ties with all his friends and moved out to melrose park.
Dana Scully
Mulder, there are millions of reasons for that, including survivor's guilt. What doesn't track for me is why Henry Weems would drop off the map... Just because he suddenly became incredibly lucky.
Fox Mulder
What doesn't track for me is why he's resurfaced after all these years. Why he suddenly decided to use his luck in this way.
Scene 05
Scene 05
Maurice (clerk)
All right, take care of yourself, brother.
Customer
Later.
Henry Weems
Hey, what's the, uh, lottery up to?
Maurice (clerk)
Twenty-eight million.
Henry Weems
I don't need that much.
Maurice (clerk)
You don't need that much? How much do you need, uh, rockefeller?
Henry Weems
More like a hundred grand.
Maurice (clerk)
Here goes. One dollar.
[ cash register ringing ]
Punk
[ scoffs ] these suck.
Man On Tv
More on this morning's melrose park shooting.
Unidentified speaker
Let's go live to the scene with megan maclean.
Newswoman On Tv
Police have confirmed that a melrose park building superintendent... Is wanted for questioning in a case some sources term... An unusually vicious gangland slaying.
Punk
You did it! You won a hundred grand!
Henry Weems
Where do I collect the money?
Maurice (clerk)
Man, they'll mail it to ya. Eighty-two hundred dollars a month for twelve months. Yeah!
Henry Weems
That's too long. No, please, I wouldn't do that.
Punk
Oh, baby! Oh, sweet baby!
Maurice (clerk)
Anything in the trash can is the store's property.
Punk
Yeah, right. In your face!
Henry Weems
Please, no, just throw it away. Something bad is gonna happen.
Punk
So long, suckers. [ laughing ] I did it! I won! I won the lottery! A hundred grand, fools! A hundred grand!
Scene 06
Scene 06
Paramedic
On three. One, two, three.
Dana Scully
So, let me get this straight. This is the man who initially won the money?
Maurice (clerk)
Mm-hmm.
Dana Scully
And once you and he ascertained that the accident victim was still alive, this man fled on foot?
Maurice (clerk)
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Dana Scully
After which, the man who was hit by the truck... Handed you the lottery card and said--
Maurice (clerk)
"Maurice, I want you to have this."
Dana Scully
Mm-hmm. Thank you, mr. Albert. I think that will be all.
Maurice (clerk)
Thank you.
Dana Scully
For such a fortunate man, a lot of unfortunate things happen in Henry Weems' wake.
Fox Mulder
Maybe that's part of the package. You can't have one without the other.
Dana Scully
So, Mulder, Henry Weems came here to buy a lottery ticket. Why?
Fox Mulder
Maybe it's like you said: "why wouldn't the luckiest man in the world enter the lottery?" actually, that's exactly what you said... About an hour after you said it.
[ sighs ]
Scene 07
Scene 07
Dana Scully
Well, he's not in his place and he's not with Richie. You think he hid in there?
Fox Mulder
He doesn't hide. He avoids.
Dana Scully
Well, pretty damn well, I'd say. That thing must go all over the building, Mulder. I'll start with the roof if you wanna start with the basement.
[ doorknob rattling ]
Henry Weems
Hey! Hey! Watch the rough stuff!
Fox Mulder
Henry Weems, you're a hard man to track down.
Henry Weems
I'm workin' here!
Fox Mulder
Oh? You and I are gonna have a talk. You just sit right here and don't move, okay?
Henry Weems
Tough guy.
[ floorboards creaking ]
Henry Weems
Oh, crap. Not again.
[ groans ]
[ grunts ]
Scene 08
ST. PATRICIA'S HOSPITAL
Nurse
Let's get him up to o.r. Coming through.
Unidentified speaker
Excuse us.
Henry Weems
Does it hurt?
Fox Mulder
Stings a bit. But I'll live. Come over here, Henry. I wanna try something.
Henry Weems
What's that about?
Dana Scully
I haven't a clue.
Fox Mulder
Nine of clubs. You go.
Henry Weems
What for?
Fox Mulder
I think you know. Oh, you win. Double or nothing.
[ cards shuffling ]
Fox Mulder
Ooo-hoo! Tough to beat. You win again!
Dana Scully
Mulder, what does that prove?
Fox Mulder
I think it proves if we played this 10,000 times in a row, he would win 10,000 times in a row. He's incapable of losing. How does it feel to be the luckiest man in the universe, Henry?
Henry Weems
It's a nightmare. You have no idea.
Fox Mulder
No, I do. 'cause when you get lucky-- really, really lucky-- people around you tend to suffer, is that right?
Henry Weems
I think it's a balance thing. Something good happens to me, then everybody else has to take it in the keister.
Fox Mulder
So you stayed close to home mostly, kept a low profile. But recently you've been venturing out further. You played poker with mobsters.
Henry Weems
I figured they could stand the trimming. Bunch of goombah jerks. They got issues, man.
Fox Mulder
You don't mind so much if a few criminals get hurt, but then you went and you played the lottery.
Henry Weems
I don't-- I knew I shouldn't have done that. I needed the money.
Fox Mulder
For what?
Dana Scully
For Richie, right?
Henry Weems
It's the complications from his hepatitis. He's on every donor list they got, but... He's got a rare blood type-- "b" negative. And he's... C.n. Something.
Dana Scully
C.m.v. Negative-- cytomegalovirus.
Henry Weems
There's no way they're gonna find a donor in time. There's a treatment program in England. Hundred grand gets him in. It's experimental, but... It's the best chance he's got now. Am I under arrest?
Fox Mulder
No.
Dana Scully
However, you will need protection from catrona and his men.
Henry Weems
I'd say they need protection from me.
Dana Scully
I'm sorry, Mulder. That was utterly irresponsible. You're feeding the delusions of a man who had three attempts made upon his life. You're supposed to be talking him into protective custody, not out of it.
Fox Mulder
I'd agree with you if I thought his life was in danger. As it is, he's doing a better job on catrona's organization than the FBI I'm wondering if we shouldn't make him an honorary agent.
Dana Scully
Mulder, you're putting an astounding amount of faith... In coincidence and luck. Essentially, you're betting a man's life on it. And even if you believe in so-called lucky streaks, you have to know they all eventually end. Luckiest man in the world? Well, Mulder, I just beat him. Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Come on, Scully. Henry!
[ body thuds ]
[ people chattering ]
Scene 09
Scene 09
Maggie Lupone
You're supposed to be resting.
Richie Lupone
I am resting.
Maggie Lupone
Playing on the floor doesn't count. Don't you ever get tired of this thing?
Richie Lupone
Henry said it's educational.
Maggie Lupone
Yeah, well, I don't want you believing everything that Henry says. Did you know the police are looking for him?
Richie Lupone
Henry said it's no big deal.
Maggie Lupone
When did you see--
Richie Lupone
Mom, what's wrong?
Fox Mulder
How's he doin'?
Dana Scully
He's got a bruised rib and a black eye. It certainly could have been worse. And don't tell me he just got lucky.
Fox Mulder
Far from it. Maybe what you said about streaks is right. Looks like his has just about run its course.
Dana Scully
I don't mean to make light of his misfortune, but it may have knocked some sense into his head. He's agreed to testify against catrona.
Joe Cutrona
What?
Dominic
Our guy from the justice department just called. They're filing a federal warrant this afternoon. This mook Weems--
Joe Cutrona
This mook Weems was street pizza last I heard from you.
Dominic
He was. I don't know what it is. Maybe he has some special ability. He's impervious or something. Anyway, we can't get to him. They got cops all over the hospital.
Joe Cutrona
Who says we have to get to him?
Richie Lupone
I want the toy Henry made me, mom. Can you please go get it?
Maggie Lupone
Uh, sure, honey.
Paramedic
We gotta go.
Maggie Lupone
Richie, I will bring it and I will follow you there. I will meet you at the hospital, okay?
[ heart monitor beeping ]
[ footsteps approaching ]
Scene 10
Scene 10
Henry Weems
Did you find her?
Dana Scully
No.
Henry Weems
You know catrona took her. He did it to keep me from testifying.
Fox Mulder
And he's who we're focused on. But there's no sign of a kidnapping, no ransom note.
Henry Weems
He's too smart for that.
Fox Mulder
It makes it very hard for us to obtain a search warrant.
Dana Scully
We'll get one, though.
Henry Weems
When? Tomorrow? Next week? Could someone sit with him at least?
Fox Mulder
Hold up, Henry. What if what I said before wasn't true? That your luck hasn't changed? Maybe all this is happening for a reason.
Henry Weems
So you're saying that Maggie getting taken is a good thing?
Fox Mulder
No, I'm saying that what looks like it might be bad luck may not be bad luck. That we can't tell yet. We're not in that position. We can't see the forest for the trees. How is he?
Dana Scully
Not good. If we don't find a donor in the next few hours--
Fox Mulder
Scully, what if everybody that becomes involved in Henry Weems' life... Somehow becomes an integral part of his luck, including you and I?
Dana Scully
Mulder, you're speaking as if we're all trapped... In one of those contraptions that he built. What are you doing?
Fox Mulder
Looking for Maggie Lupone. Luck is the overreaching force in this investigation. I say we roll with it. Yeah. Let's call that a dry run.
Dana Scully
Yeah.
[ elevator bell dings ]
Dominic
Look who came calling.
Henry Weems
I wanted to tell you personally that there's no hard feelings. I'm not testifying against you. Just let Maggie Lupone go.
Joe Cutrona
Maggie? I don't know anybody named Maggie. You know anybody named Maggie?
[ laughing ]
Henry Weems
Fellas, don't jerk me around.
Joe Cutrona
Jerk you around? You tried to cheat me out of a hundred large, you kill angie, you put sal in the hospital. I'm jerkin' you around?
Henry Weems
I apologize for my choice of words. Please, just let her go. Her kid's really sick. I don't care what happens to me.
Joe Cutrona
You'll care. By the time I'm finished, you'll definitely care.
Maggie Lupone
Henry? Richie, how is he?
Joe Cutrona
Not that one. Use the small one.
Maggie Lupone
Hey! Henry?
[ groaning ]
Maggie Lupone
Don't you hurt him, you son of a bitch!
Joe Cutrona
Shut her up!
[ grunting ]
Maggie Lupone
Henry!
[ gasps ]
Unidentified speaker
Oh!
Man
Check downstairs!
Scene 11
Scene 11
Fox Mulder
What are the odds for catrona being a perfect match? A thousand to one? A million to one?
Dana Scully
Maybe higher. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Whether we see it or not.
Fox Mulder
Maybe your luck is changing.
Henry Weems
Maybe.
[ bell ringing ]
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.