Carnival Worker
Mr. Maleeni. Hey, guy. You ready to rumble?
Season 7 · Episode 8
The Amazing Maleeni
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.
Production code7ABX08Original airdate · January 16, 2000
348 dialogue entries
Scene 01
Scene 01
Maleeni
If by "rumble" you mean perform, yes, I am.
Carnival Worker
Cool. You know how he said you get 125 for the day? It's gonna be 75 instead. The gate's for crap. But, hey, the show's gotta go on, right?
Maleeni
This will be my greatest show ever.
Carnival Worker
Right on.
[ applause ]
Maleeni
Ladies and gentlemen, damas y caballeros, I aim today not just to entertain but to educate, to instruct and inform in the venerable... And ancient history of my art. Until johann nepomuk hofsinzer... Called playing cards the poetry of magic, a conjuror's skill was determined entirely by his ability... To perform one effect. That effect was known as the cups and balls. The games were known for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Perhaps the greatest performer was the italian bartolomeo bosco.
Billy LaBonge
Get on with it.
Maleeni
Bosco's passes with the cups and balls. Wah-day... Chubio... Colerader. Three gone... And yet three... Return. Bosco had only one contemporary rival, a slightly older frenchman named conus, who announced in 1795... That he would make his wife, who was five-foot seven, appear under one of the cups. Practice though I have, I have been unable even to get married.
[ sarcastic laughing ]
Maleeni
Conus placed one ball in his pocket. He put the second ball away. Putting the third ball in his hand, he made it vanish, and that's the mystery... Of the cups and the balls.
Billy LaBonge
Yo! Can't you do anything that ain't a hundred years old? That ain't old school, that's decrepit.
Maleeni
Young man, shall I come heckle you on your job? Make sure you count out the requisite number of mcnuggets?
Billy LaBonge
Show me somethin'. Come on. Show me somethin'.
Maleeni
A callow challenge to be met by experience and skill. To wit, the egyptian dedi, whose most celebrated feat... Was to reattach a recently severed head, reuniting it with the still-warm body... And no harm done. Western history knows... Three previous attempts at recreating... This noachian feat, each of the three ending in tragedy. This will be the fourth. May I have complete silence, please?
Crowd
[ crowd hooting, whistling ] yeah! Senor Maleeni! Ho ho!
Announcer
Folks, let's give it up for the amazing Maleeni.
Carnival Worker
Guy, you rock. That kicked ass. I mean, it looked completely real. How did you do that? Oh, yeah, right. Magic. Oh, hey, your money. Hold up. Two, four, fifty, fifty-five, sixty, sixty-five, seventy, seventy-five. You earned it. Mr. Maleeni? Mr. Maleeni. Oh, god! Oh-- [ panting ]
Unidentified speaker
Whew.
Scene 02
Scene 02
Fox Mulder
Neat trick, huh?
Dana Scully
I can think of a neater one-- how you convinced me to drop everything and get on the first plane to los angeles.
Fox Mulder
Come on, Scully. This isn't intriguing enough for you? A magician turns his head completely around, 360 degrees, to the delight of young and old alike, after which it plops unceremoniously onto the pier. See the picture?
Dana Scully
Yeah, I saw the picture. And as for this amazing Maleeni turning his head all the way around-- like you said, Mulder,
Fox Mulder
Neat trick. But?
Dana Scully
But... I'd guess this event... Was completely removed from his subsequent murder.
Fox Mulder
You think this was a murder?
Dana Scully
Don't you? Mulder, his head was cut off.
Fox Mulder
Ah. Observe the nearly complete absence of blood. Observe the paucity of fingerprints, as evidenced by the l.a.p.d.'s liberal use... Of lycopodium powder.
Dana Scully
Why are you talking like tony randall?
Fox Mulder
Know that the amazing Maleeni was alive one moment and expired the next. Know also that no one saw his fleeing attacker, nor heard the dying man's cries.
Dana Scully
Mulder, I admit that I don't know how it happened, but I still say that it was a murder. So what's your theory?
Fox Mulder
A magic trick gone horribly wrong. One that claims the lives of all who attempt it. Can I see that camcorder again? Thank you. A tourist videotaped... Maleeni's performance. This--
Billy LaBonge
That ain't old school, that's decrepit.
Dana Scully
Show me somethin'. Who's the heckler?
Billy LaBonge
Come on. Show me somethin'.
Fox Mulder
I don't know.
[ Scully scoffs ]
Fox Mulder
Neat trick, huh?
Dana Scully
Hang on a second. Let me see this. That heckler's pretty hard to impress, wouldn't you say? Look at him. He just takes off in a huff.
Fox Mulder
You think he's a murderer?
Dana Scully
It's worth checking out, don't you think?
Fox Mulder
I don't know. That'd be a neat trick in itself. You never see his face.
Dana Scully
Ah! But observe. His discarded soda cup. The hand may be quicker than the eye, but it still leaves fingerprints.
Fox Mulder
Provided they haven't dumped the trash.
Dana Scully
Skeptic.
[ clinking ]
Scene 03
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
Dana Scully
Mr. LaBonge? We're agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI were you at the santa monica pier yesterday morning?
Billy LaBonge
Yeah.
Fox Mulder
You attended a magic show, the amazing Maleeni?
Billy LaBonge
Yeah, he sucks. Why?
Dana Scully
He's dead, under extremely suspicious circumstances.
Billy LaBonge
He still sucks. How'd you find me?
Dana Scully
Your fingerprints. You have a criminal record.
Fox Mulder
A conviction for pickpocketing.
Billy LaBonge
[ sighs ] man, that was performance art. Besides, it's ancient history. What are you saying? You think I killed him?
Dana Scully
Well, you're on videotape heckling the deceased.
Fox Mulder
What did you have against mr. Maleeni?
Billy LaBonge
First of all, his name's not Maleeni. That's the name of a real magician, a guy at the turn of the century, max malini. Ever hear of him?
Dana Scully
No.
Billy LaBonge
It's too bad. You should've. Anyway, he steals his name, spells it a little differently... And he does some tired crap that wouldn't cut it at a kid's birthday party.
Fox Mulder
What about the trick where he turns his head completely around?
Billy LaBonge
Check it out.
[ cracking ]
[ chuckles ]
Billy LaBonge
No problem. Did you like that?
Dana Scully
Yeah.
Billy LaBonge
Watch. A coin in the hand... Blows away. Maybe it's a little bit hard for you to see. Let me make that... Bigger for you.
Fox Mulder
Great, but I don't see how they're any different or better than the ones Maleeni did.
Billy LaBonge
Mozart and salieri. They sound pretty much the same to a layman. But they ain't. You know what I'm sayin'? It's about originality. Style. And more than anything else... Soul. Because that's what separates the great ones... From the hacks. We can't do this halfway. We're dealing with powerful forces at work here. Energies far beyond our mere... Mortal... Understanding.
Fox Mulder
Enough to make a magician lose his head?
Billy LaBonge
Could be. That, and I hear Maleeni racked up some pretty big gambling debts. Who knows who he might've pissed off.
Dana Scully
Thank you, mr. LaBonge. We'll, uh, be in touch.
Billy LaBonge
Please do. Oh, and agents?
Fox Mulder
Mozart and salieri. Which one's which?
Dana Scully
Mulder, I think that professional jealousy... Is as good a motive for murder as any.
Fox Mulder
If it was a murder. I'm not convinced.
Dana Scully
If I can get mr. Maleeni into an autopsy bay, hopefully we can put this issue to rest as soon as possible.
Scene 04
Scene 04
Dana Scully
All right, I'm stumped. I think I'm supposed to be.
Fox Mulder
What do you think?
Dana Scully
Well, first of all, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but mr. Maleeni's head... Didn't just magically fall off. It was very carefully sawed. Very slow and exacting work, probably with a fine-tooth meat saw. And check out this little detail. Spirit gum, Mulder. It held the head to the body. Just barely, of course.
Fox Mulder
So he was murdered?
Dana Scully
Well, no. As far as I can tell, this man died of advanced coronary disease.
Fox Mulder
Natural causes.
Dana Scully
Yeah.
Fox Mulder
So basically, he died of a heart attack, somebody crept up behind him, sawed his head off... And then glued it back on all in the space of 30 seconds. Does that make sense to you?
Dana Scully
No. Which makes it even stranger still, because as far as I can tell... This body has been dead for over a month. I see signs of refrigeration.
Fox Mulder
And yet he performed yesterday. What a trouper.
Dana Scully
Well, somebody performed yesterday.
♪♪ [ hard rock ]
Scene 05
Scene 05
Billy LaBonge
Cissy Alvarez.
Alvarez
Who are you?
Billy LaBonge
You don't remember me. Ain't that a bitch? My name's LaBonge. I did time with you about eight years ago. You were in for Bank robbery.
Alvarez
The name doesn't mean anything. What do you want?
Billy LaBonge
I hear you're a poker player. You won big off a guy who calls himself the amazing Maleeni. Also goes by the name of herman Pinchbeck.
Alvarez
Pinchbeck?
Billy LaBonge
He's dead.
Alvarez
Yeah, I saw in the paper. Something about his head fell off. Yeah. What's it to you?
Billy LaBonge
I'm the guy that made his head fall off. You took his marker, right? What'd he owe you, 15 grand?
Alvarez
Twenty.
Billy LaBonge
I don't think he was ever gonna pay you back.
Alvarez
You want to cut to the chase? You know, get a little more of your story out before we stomp you to death?
Billy LaBonge
How would you like to get back what you're owed times ten?
Alvarez
200,000. Mm. How?
Billy LaBonge
Helping me.
Alvarez
Do what?
Billy LaBonge
Magic. Wanna hear more?
Scene 06
CRADOCK MARINE BANK
Fox Mulder
Excuse me. I'm looking for mr. Albert Pinchbeck.
Female Bank Employee
He's the gentleman right over there. The poor man. Ah.
Fox Mulder
He look familiar to you, Scully?
Dana Scully
He certainly does.
Fox Mulder
The plot thickens.
Dana Scully
He might try and run.
Pinchbeck
Come in. Good morning, mr. And mrs.--
Fox Mulder
Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI
Pinchbeck
You're not here for a home loan, I take it.
Dana Scully
No. We are investigating the death of a magician... Who called himself the amazing Maleeni.
Pinchbeck
Herman Pinchbeck, my twin brother.
Dana Scully
Yes, we know. We checked his next of kin.
Fox Mulder
What happened to your neck, mr. Pinchbeck?
Pinchbeck
I was in a car accident.
Fox Mulder
Car accident. So your injured neck has nothing to do with a magic trick... You performed at the santa monica pier two days ago, one which involved you turning your head around 360 degrees?
Pinchbeck
Well, no. That wasn't me. I was in a bad car accident in mexico.
Fox Mulder
A bad mexican car accident, in mexico.
Dana Scully
Do you know magic, mr. Pinchbeck?
Pinchbeck
Yes, I do. Back in the '70s, my brother and I performed together.
Fox Mulder
Why'd you stop?
Pinchbeck
You never really stop.
[ drawer slides ]
Fox Mulder
Pick a card, any card?
[ clears throat ]
Fox Mulder
Hmm. Very impressive.
Pinchbeck
My brother and I both wanted to do... The absolute best magic the world had ever seen. The difference was, I knew we'd never get there, but he always believed we would. We didn't talk much after I quit the act.
Fox Mulder
I have a theory, mr. Pinchbeck, and I'm gonna tell you how it goes. I think that your brother herman died of heart disease... Having never made it as the world's greatest magician. I think that hurt you, just as your estrangement from him hurt you. I think what you did was perform his last act for him. One last act for which he'd always be remembered. One last act that would end with such a shock, such a denouement, as would be forever remembered in the annals of magic. That's what I think.
Pinchbeck
I so wish that were true. It was a very bad car accident in mexico.
Fox Mulder
Oy!
Dana Scully
No kidding. What now?
Fox Mulder
A guy's head falls off, it's the greatest trick in the world. When there's no discernible point to it, what's the reason for doing that in the first place?
Dana Scully
Well, why do people do magic? To impress, to delight, to gain attention.
Fox Mulder
Well, this one's gaining mostly police attention. Maybe that's the point.
Dana Scully
Well, maybe we should consult an expert-- someone who knows magic, who's seen the greatest trick in the world. Maybe he can help us figure that out.
Fox Mulder
Mozart.
Dana Scully
Yeah.
Scene 07
Scene 07
Billy LaBonge
What's in it for me? I mean, let's say I help you out. What do I get in return?
Dana Scully
The feeling of pride that comes from performing your civic duty?
Fox Mulder
How 'bout the chance... To root through the professional secrets of your least favorite magician?
Billy LaBonge
Good for a laugh, I guess. Man, it's worse than I thought. You gotta feed those things, you know. So... Maleeni wasn't murdered.
Dana Scully
It would seem not.
Billy LaBonge
So someone impersonated him and his crappy act. It's impressive. I'd say the twin brother did it, but I don't think... He's any better a magician than Maleeni was.
Fox Mulder
There's that, and he's got no legs.
Billy LaBonge
Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, we're looking for a magician with the same height and build. A good makeup job and the right wig, and no one would know the difference.
Dana Scully
Not even you, I guess.
Billy LaBonge
I had a couple of jell-o shots in me.
Fox Mulder
Hey, how did this impersonator switch out the dead body?
Billy LaBonge
With ease. You're gonna kick yourselves when I show you how he did this, it's so simple. Because magic is all about... Misdirection. Your impersonator simply made sure everyone was looking the other way... When he pulled Maleeni's body from its secret hiding place... Underneath... The floor.
[ sighs ]
Billy LaBonge
Man, this guy's good.
Dana Scully
Well, thanks for your expert opinion. I guess we're right back where we started.
Fox Mulder
Maybe not. You said that, uh, the amazing Maleeni had some gambling debts?
Billy LaBonge
Yeah, that's what I heard.
Fox Mulder
Check this out. Looks like a marker. $20,000. Pinchbeck.
Dana Scully
What would this be doing in Maleeni's van?
Scene 08
Scene 08
Courier Guard
Thank you, mr. Pinchbeck. If you could sign here for me.
Pinchbeck
With pleasure. Anthony, what kind of gun is that?
Anthony (guard)
Glock 17,.9 millimeter.
Pinchbeck
I've been thinking of maybe buying one since my accident.
Anthony (guard)
Well, here. Take a look.
Unidentified speaker
Hmm.
Pinchbeck
Gosh, it's heavier than I would've thought.
[ chuckles ]
Pinchbeck
Thank you, Anthony, Marvin.
Anthony (guard)
If you ever want, I'll take you to the shooting range.
Unidentified speaker
Hmm.
Anthony (guard)
Have a good one, mr. Pinchbeck.
Pinchbeck
You too. Hello, may I help you?
Alvarez
Damn, you look just like him.
Pinchbeck
I'm sorry?
Alvarez
Your no-good, malapaga brother... Died owing me money-- a lot of money. You're gonna make good.
Pinchbeck
I'm sorry, but my, uh, brother's debts are his own.
Alvarez
I said, you're gonna make good, 'cause me and my friends, we know where you live.
[ clattering ]
Scene 09
Scene 09
Marvin (guard)
That sound like the rear diff?
Anthony (guard)
Pull over. Stay here and call it in. I'll check it out.
Marvin (guard)
We got a problem with the rear diff. We're on fourth and main. Checking it out is Anthony.
Anthony (guard)
You! In the truck! Get up where I can see you. Hands where I can see them! Up! Hands up. All right. Get out. Mister, get out-- hey, I got a guy down back here! It was a guy with tattoos! I shot him four times! I don't understand. He was right here.
Scene 10
Scene 10
Dana Scully
It's your handwriting, is it not? Mr. Alvarez, please answer the question.
Alvarez
That ain't mine. I don't know where you got that.
Fox Mulder
It's interesting. Yours are the only fingerprints on it.
Dana Scully
We ran it through the California criminal history database, to which you seem to be quite well known.
Alvarez
So it's my marker. So Pinchbeck owed me money. It was a friendly game of poker.
Fox Mulder
Very friendly. $20,000 friendly.
Alvarez
Where did you find that?
Dana Scully
In herman Pinchbeck's van. Where were you last thursday?
Alvarez
Here. All day. Ask 'em. What is it you think I did to Pinchbeck, huh? What's in it for me? If I kill him, he ain't gonna pay me.
Fox Mulder
Why did you play with him in the first place? You knew he was a professional magician.
Alvarez
I didn't know what he was. And he sure as hell couldn't play worth a damn.
Dana Scully
Don't leave town, mr. Alvarez.
Fox Mulder
Don't you find it odd that the amazing Maleeni's a lousy poker player? This is a guy who's adept at manipulating cards.
Dana Scully
Maybe he wasn't so adept. LaBonge certainly doesn't have a high opinion of his skills.
Fox Mulder
There's Another possibility. Behold-- an ordinary household quarter. I'm going to take the quarter from my right hand and place it into my left hand. Where is it?
Dana Scully
It's in your right hand.
Fox Mulder
No, no, no. Ahh-ahh!
Dana Scully
That's not bad. Mulder--
Fox Mulder
Blow your nose, Scully. Blow your nose. Come on. Blow. Achoo. Ta-da! Look at that. The great muldeeni. Amazing!
Dana Scully
What's the point?
Fox Mulder
Misdirection. It's the heart of magic, like LaBonge said. I made you look in one direction, the quarter went in the other.
Dana Scully
That's what you think's happening in this case?
Fox Mulder
I think we're being led around by our noses.
Dana Scully
By whom? Maleeni's already dead.
Fox Mulder
It certainly would appear so. But then again, you thought the quarter was in the right hand.
[ engine starts ]
[ dial tone ] [ punching keypad ]
911 Operator
[ line rings, woman's voice ] 911 emergency.
Billy LaBonge
Yeah, hello? Yeah, I want to report a man with a gun. He's threatening to kill somebody.
911 Operator
Can you please speak up?
Billy LaBonge
No, I can't speak up. No, I can't!
911 Operator
Sir? Hello? Hello?
Alvarez
Son of a bitch.
[ door opens ]
Billy LaBonge
Hey, partner. Hey, guys.
Alvarez
You son of a bitch.
Billy LaBonge
I'm sorry?
Alvarez
You tried to frame me. [ swearing in spanish ]
Billy LaBonge
I didn't!
Alvarez
Oh, you didn't, huh?
Billy LaBonge
Wait! We've got a deal!
Alvarez
We got no deal. I'm gonna bleed you, you little bitch.
Billy LaBonge
Back off!
Alvarez
You're dead.
[ siren wails ]
[ tires screech ]
Cop
Freeze! Drop your weapon. Hands behind your head. Do it! Put your hand down. Spread your legs.
[ keyboard clacking ]
Scene 11
Scene 11
Pinchbeck
Agents. An unexpected surprise. Good afternoon.
Dana Scully
We'd like to have a word with you, mr. Pinchbeck.
Pinchbeck
I'm fairly busy, actually.
Fox Mulder
I'll bet.
Pinchbeck
Hey! What?
Fox Mulder
Let's take a little spin, shall we?
Pinchbeck
What's this all about?
Fox Mulder
It's about misdirection, mr. Pinchbeck. Or should I say the amazing Maleeni?
Dana Scully
Mulder!
Fox Mulder
It's a trick, Scully. Voila.
Pinchbeck
Had you fooled.
Dana Scully
You're Maleeni?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Call me herman. I was afraid for my life. That's why I did what I did. I'm not proud of that. But I owe a lot of money that I can't possibly pay back.
Dana Scully
We know-- gambling debts to a man named Alvarez.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Yeah, that tattooed psychopath. I've since heard terrible stories about him, things he did in prison to fellow inmates.
Dana Scully
So why'd you play poker with him?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
He runs a good game. I gamble to supplement my income. God knows, magic barely pays.
Dana Scully
Why did you lose? You could've manipulated the cards, right?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Cheat? You're asking why I don't cheat at cards?
Dana Scully
Well, you could, right?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
[ scoffs ] of course, I could. But how would I live with myself? Who raised you?
Dana Scully
Well, sir, what does any of this have to do with your twin brother... Being found decapitated at the santa monica pier?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
I went to my brother for a loan. Just my luck and his.
Dana Scully
You found him dead of a heart attack.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
His body was still warm. Looking at him lifeless, I saw myself, my own eventual mortality. I saw all the things I meant to accomplish but didn't. It was an opportunity to vanish, to become someone else. Like I said, I'm not proud of what I did.
Dana Scully
And so you refrigerated the body.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
I needed time to figure out how to pull it all off. Impersonating my brother, I called the Bank, told them I needed a vacation week, a trip to mexico. Then the Bank received word that I'd been in a terrible accident. It gave me plenty of time away from work.
Dana Scully
And you posed as an amputee... To allay suspicion that you weren't your brother.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
That, and I rather enjoy the sympathy, especially from the women in our office.
Dana Scully
You, uh, still haven't explained... Why you left your brother's body at the pier, or why you arranged to have his head fall off.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
He explained it. He put it so eloquently when we last spoke. It was my final performance. I wanted to go out with such a shock, such a denouement, as would forever be remembered in the annals of magic.
Fox Mulder
That was your last performance.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
What's this for?
Fox Mulder
Well... I still think you've got a few tricks up your sleeve.
Bank Officer
My god. We gave you handicapped parking. We built you a ramp.
Fox Mulder
Did he have access to the vaults?
Bank Officer
Well, yes. He has a key to the day gate. Several of us do.
Dana Scully
What are you looking for, Mulder?
Fox Mulder
Any hint at all... As to why Maleeni here is really impersonating his brother. What about this? Could he have removed the funds electronically?
Bank Officer
He didn't have security clearance for e.f.t.s-- electronic fund transfers.
Fox Mulder
Maybe he got around the security. Can we check the withdrawal records?
Bank Officer
It would require your badge number and thumbprint... And probably a federal subpoena to boot. We're extra cautious with the e.f.t.s. You can understand why. There may be an easier way. If I call up a transaction list for this terminal-- no. No, everything's in order.
Dana Scully
Mulder, it says here something about a robbery attempt yesterday.
Bank Officer
Yeah, that wasn't against us, but the armored transport service we deal with. No money was taken and no suspects were caught.
Dana Scully
Yeah, well, mr. Pinchbeck was the Employee who signed out the truck. He knew the schedule.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
I had nothing to do with that.
Dana Scully
Maybe, maybe not.
Fox Mulder
We'll hold you till we find out. Make sure you don't pull a vanishing act.
Holding Cell Officer
[ door opens, closes ] hey.
[ buzzing ]
Scene 12
NORTH HOLLYWOOD STATION
Holding Cell Officer
Paul, I'm putting mr. Pinchbeck in six.
Paul (officer)
Right.
Holding Cell Officer
Sleep tight.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Wait. Don't I get a phone call, sir? Sir?
[ tapping "shave and a haircut" ]
Billy LaBonge
How'd it go?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Swimmingly.
Billy LaBonge
Abracadabra, man.
[ grunts ]
Bank Officer
Oh, damn!
Scene 13
Scene 13
Dana Scully
Yes. Okay. All right. All right, thank you.
Fox Mulder
Maleeni?
Dana Scully
He's still in the city lockup, where he's been since we arrested him last night. Certainly doesn't look like he did this. Lots of fingerprints.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, I guarantee you, none of them match our thieves. They're too clever to leave clues, except for the ones they want us to find.
Bank Officer
Excuse me. May I show you something? Hmm. We thought the security-camera footage might show the robbers.
Dana Scully
Does it?
Bank Officer
No. They all mysteriously... Went blank from about 3:00 a.m. To 3:20, but that's not what we wanted you to see.
Anthony (guard)
This is from two days ago.
Dana Scully
Cissy Alvarez, convicted Bank robber.
Anthony (guard)
You recognize this man?
Fox Mulder
Yeah. Who is he to you?
[ tapping keyboard ]
Anthony (guard)
[ Anthony ] I know those tattoos. That's the man who tried to rob my truck.
Scene 14
Scene 14
Alvarez
Aah! What the hell, man? What did I do? Yo, FBI, what's up? What's up with this, man? You can't just come bustin' in here! I got civil rights! I'm gonna call my lawyer, and then we're gonna see what's what.
Another Cop
There's nothing back there.
Alvarez
This is harassment, man. This is harassment! Yo, what are they lookin' for? Come on! Somebody talk to me!
Cop
[ officer ] shut up!
Alvarez
No, you shut up! Yo, man, this ain't right. Why you got the cuffs on so tight? Yo, will you please tell me what he's lookin' for?
Unidentified speaker
Oh! What?
Dana Scully
Well. Saving up for a rainy day?
Alvarez
Oh, no, no, no! We got framed! This is a frame-up!
Unidentified speaker
[ officer ] let's go.
Alvarez
It was the magician!
Fox Mulder
The magician? Maleeni?
Alvarez
No, not the dead one, man! That little cabron LaBonge! LaBonge set me up! Listen to me! Listen to me!
Dana Scully
Billy LaBonge.
Fox Mulder
And the amazing Maleeni. That's a double bill I wouldn't want to miss.
Scene 15
Scene 15
Holding Cell Officer
Pinchbeck. You made your bail. You, too, LaBonge.
Paul (officer)
Okay. [ buzzing ]
Dana Scully
I think releasing these two may be a bit premature.
Fox Mulder
[ Mulder ] give us a minute. Good morning, gentlemen. Did you sleep well?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Agent Mulder. Agent Scully.
Fox Mulder
Bravo. Really.
Billy LaBonge
What do you mean?
Dana Scully
Last night the cradock marine Bank was robbed of $1.8 million. This morning that entire amount was found... In the possession of mr. Cissy Alvarez.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Wow. I told you he was bad news. Bravo to you. It was expeditious police work.
Fox Mulder
Well, thank you. It was, wasn't it? It's only that Alvarez was so obviously guilty-- a convicted Bank robber caught red-handed, witnessed trying to rob an armored car just two days earlier?
Dana Scully
He'll need a good lawyer.
Fox Mulder
Yeah. Yeah, he's up a creek, just like you two want him. Yeah.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
I don't quite see where you're headed with this.
Fox Mulder
I have no evidence, but I have a theory, mr. Maleeni, and, uh, I'll tell you how it goes. I think that your twin brother albert died of a heart attack, at which point, you and your young protegee saw a golden opportunity.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
My protegee? I hate this guy's guts.
Dana Scully
That's what you wanted us to think.
Fox Mulder
You wanted revenge against the man who made your life in prison a living hell.
Billy LaBonge
I did time with you about eight years ago.
Fox Mulder
Alvarez. You and he were on the same Cell block eight years ago.
Dana Scully
It was a setup from the start. You played poker with him, and you made sure that you lost big.
Fox Mulder
Which gave LaBonge an in with Alvarez once everybody thought you were dead.
Dana Scully
LaBonge planted Alvarez's marker in Maleeni's van and made sure we found it. And then you used Alvarez's greed in order to ensnare him, and then orchestrated the attempted Bank robbery in order to implicate him.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, that was you in the armored car disguised as Alvarez. Somehow mr. Pinchbeck got ahold of the guard's gun and switched the clip. Hold it! Guard didn't know it, but he was firing blanks.
Dana Scully
And then last night, the two of you robbed the Bank... And planted the money at Alvarez's place.
Billy LaBonge
Don't you think we have pretty good alibis?
Fox Mulder
You have great alibis. You have the best alibis in the world, which is why I think you two got arrested in the first place.
Dana Scully
With your expertise in sleight of hand, pickpocketing and escapology, I think you were both able to get out of here by pilfering a guard's key.
Fox Mulder
You could have escaped, stolen the money, framed Alvarez... And been back here in time for breakfast.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Scrambled eggs and sausage. That would be the world's greatest trick, wouldn't it?
Fox Mulder
One that would be forever remembered in the annals of magic.
Billy LaBonge
What happens to us?
Fox Mulder
[ Mulder ] to you? You go free, provided the magic is over.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
The great ones always know when to leave the stage.
[ buzzing ]
Maleeni/Pinchbeck
Billy, let's get the hell outta here.
Fox Mulder
They are the world's greatest.
Dana Scully
We saw through their magic.
Fox Mulder
Ah, there's more. Behold. The amazing Maleeni's wallet.
Dana Scully
You picked his pocket?
Fox Mulder
No, I pilfered it from the evidence room to prevent them from completing... Their final act of prestidigitation.
Dana Scully
What are you talking about?
Fox Mulder
I began to wonder, why did they need so elaborate a setup? Why so high profile? Why draw the attention of the FBI in the first place?
Dana Scully
We were the last piece of the puzzle.
Fox Mulder
Yes. Framing Alvarez was just Another misdirection. This trick was about e.f.t.s, electronic fund transfers at the Bank. Maleeni, Pinchbeck, he didn't have security clearance for them, so he needed a little federal law enforcement intervention-- specifically, my badge number... And my thumbprint. With those two items they could pull off an e.f.t. And steal enough electronically... As to make that 1.8 million look like cigar-lighting money. But they can't do it without this. Pick a card, Scully. Any card.
Dana Scully
You know, Mulder, there's still one thing that you haven't explained.
Fox Mulder
What's that?
Dana Scully
How the amazing Maleeni was able to turn his head completely around.
Fox Mulder
I don't know that.
Dana Scully
I do. I'll show you. Observe.
Fox Mulder
Gee! Very nice. How'd you do that?
Dana Scully
Well... Magic.
Fox Mulder
No, seriously, Scully. How'd you do it? You know, it's not the same thing. Uh, it's different with the head. Come on, now. Look at this.
[ chuckling ]
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.