Nurse
We're almost there. [ heavy breathing ] how you doin', hon? [ groans ] breathe deeply. [ inhales, exhales ] just like that. There you go. You're doin' great.
Season 4 · Episode 20
Small Potatoes
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.
Production code4X20Original airdate · April 20, 1997
355 dialogue entries
Scene 01
Opening scene
Amanda Nelligan
Yeah, real great.
Second Nurse
Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am, I'll need your full name and social security number.
Amanda Nelligan
Amanda Nelligan. 545020809.
Second Nurse
Your insurance carrier? Great.
Amanda Nelligan
Atlantic mutual.
Second Nurse
Is there anyone you need us to contact? The father of the baby?
Amanda Nelligan
I'm not sure how to get ahold of him.
Second Nurse
Give me his name. I can try.
Amanda Nelligan
He's not from around here.
Second Nurse
Is he from out of state?
Amanda Nelligan
Another planet.
Nurse
All right, we're here now. Hold on.
[ screaming ]
Dr. Alton Pugh
One more little push, Amanda. There you go. You're gonna set a speed record. Great. There's a cute face. Doll syringe. This is like the indy 500. Here comes the shoulder. Good. Okay, Amanda. That'll do it! Oh.
Operating Room Nurse
[ gasps ] oh, God.
Amanda Nelligan
What? What is it?
Dr. Alton Pugh
It's okay. She's just fine. Perfectly healthy. No problem. Everything's gonna be a-ok.
[ baby crying ]
Dr. Alton Pugh
You've got a healthy baby girl.
Amanda Nelligan
Oh, a little girl!
[ crying ]
Dr. Alton Pugh
Good lord, not another one!
Scene 02
HIGHWAY
Fox Mulder
I admit the photo's a little over the top, but, um, what do you think, Scully?
Dana Scully
Not seriously.
Fox Mulder
Children born with vestigial tails don't interest you?
Dana Scully
Codal appendages. Fetuses have them. Their coccyx enlarges to contain the spinal fluid, and then it shrinks as the child develops. Occasionally, it doesn't. It's extremely rare but it has been known to happen.
Fox Mulder
Five times within the last three months? All in a town with a population of less than 15,000 people? I'd say that's a little more than a statistical anomaly.
Dana Scully
So would I. No, Mulder, I-- I think you're right. I think that something about this definitely warrants investigation. Only not by us. I'd say that it is a job for the local health department.
Fox Mulder
I called around. They're already investigating.
Dana Scully
So what else about this interests you? Could it be, uh, visitors from space?
Scene 03
AMANDA NELLIGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
Amanda Nelligan
The doctor said that... My baby's gonna be fine. She's really healthy. And when she gets to be a few months old, it's just a matter of "snip."
Fox Mulder
That's good to hear.
Amanda Nelligan
Yeah.
Dana Scully
Did you experience any unusual complications during your pregnancy? Did you undergo any kind of fertility treatment?
Amanda Nelligan
No. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I guess you could just sort of say I'm a single mom now.
Fox Mulder
When you were admitted, you said that the, uh, the baby's father was from another planet. What did you mean by that exactly?
Amanda Nelligan
You know, that... He's not from this planet.
Fox Mulder
Were you abducted?
[ chuckles ]
Amanda Nelligan
Huh? No. No. He dropped by my apartment one day, and one thing sort of led to another.
Fox Mulder
But the baby's father is an alien.
Amanda Nelligan
No! No, I didn't say he was an alien. I said he was from another planet. His name is luke skywalker. He's what's known as a jedi knight.
Dana Scully
Did he have a light saber?
Amanda Nelligan
No, he didn't bring it. He did sing a song for me, though.
♪♪ [ humming "star wars theme" ]
Dana Scully
How many times have you seen star wars, Amanda?
Amanda Nelligan
Three hundred sixty-eight. I should break 400 by memorial day.
Dana Scully
Okay. Thank you.
Amanda Nelligan
Wait a minute, wait. You know these four other babies that were born here with tails?
Dana Scully
Uh-huh.
Amanda Nelligan
There couldn't be any chance... Luke's the father, is there?
[ babies crying ]
Dana Scully
Okay, all right. I've got it, thank you.
Fox Mulder
Take your best shot, Scully. I think there's more going on here than luke skywalker and his light saber.
Dana Scully
I think you're right. Are you coming?
Health Department Doctor
Here are the p.c.r.s that we ran for the five children. We put calls into the parents. We'll blood test all the husbands, hopefully by this afternoon just to double-check.
Dana Scully
Good.
Doctor
They'll be none too happy. I have to confess... This answer seems so strangely obvious, I probably wouldn't have even checked for it.
Fox Mulder
What answer?
Dana Scully
You see here, these identical band trait matches, all showing a small loss of a part of chromosome number eight? Each of these five children, born to five different women, all share the same father.
Fox Mulder
Yeah?
Dana Scully
I should have thought of it sooner. This kind of appended birth defect is often passed on within a family.
Fox Mulder
Meaning the father had a tail as well?
Dana Scully
Though he most likely had it surgically removed somewhere along the way.
Fox Mulder
How would this happen?
Dana Scully
Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.
Fox Mulder
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated m.d.s do it. All five of these women shared the same ob-gyn, didn't they?
Dana Scully
Well, yeah. He's the only one in town.
Fox Mulder
And four of the five women, the four married women, not including Amanda Nelligan, are on record as receiving insemination therapy as a means of conception.
Dana Scully
So you're thinking that the doctor might have something to do with it?
Fox Mulder
So much for not putting all your eggs in one basket.
Scene 04
OFFICE OF DR. ALTON PUGH, OB-GYN
Mrs. Niemann
We should find the best lawyer we can. Because I definitely plan to sue. That's all I'm saying, fred.
Fred Niemann
Babboo, let me do the talking. I'll handle this.
Mrs. Niemann
Just tell him we're gonna sue.
Fred Niemann
Ah, you too, huh? What the hell did you do?
Mrs. Niemann
Yeah, Alton.
Other Voices
What did you do?
Dr. Alton Pugh
I didn't do anything. We're gonna figure this out. I promise. Look, everybody, just relax.
Fred Niemann
Don't you tell me to relax! What happened to my sperm?
Man #2
[ man ] yeah, mine too!
Woman #2
Whose did you use?
Man #2
It's bad enough having a boy with a tail. Then you find out it's not even yours! For God's sake, Alton, how many of us are there?
Fox Mulder
I'm special agent Mulder with the federal Bureau of investigation. This is agent Scully.
Fred Niemann
Great! Arrest this son of a bitch.
Dana Scully
No, sir, settle down. Nobody's going to be arrested.
Fox Mulder
We're just here to find out what's goin' on.
Fred Niemann
Alton didn't use my sperm.
Dr. Alton Pugh
I most certainly did. Each of you women... Was inseminated with your husband's own sperm and nobody else's.
Fox Mulder
Why was it necessary to inseminate in these cases?
Dr. Alton Pugh
It was a sperm motility issue. The intrauterine process that I used... Has about a 40 percent chance of success. I was surprised. It seemed to work all four times. The only thing I can think of is--
Man #3
What?
Dr. Alton Pugh
Maybe it never worked at all.
Mrs. Niemann
What are you saying? I want to know what he means by that. I haven't been with a man since 1989. I mean, not counting you, honey.
Dr. Alton Pugh
I'm not accusing anyone of anything. I'm just saying, this latest patient of mine who gave birth to a baby with a tail? She didn't even undergo insemination. So you are blaming the wrong baby doctor.
Scene 05
ROOM
Fox Mulder
Hey.
Eddie Van Blundht
Hey.
Fox Mulder
Excuse me. I'm an agent with the federal Bureau of investigation. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Eddie Van Blundht
Uh, yeah, okay.
Fox Mulder
Scully, check it out.
Woman #2
Oh, my God.
Woman #3
That's him? He's the one?
Scene 06
INTERVIEW ROOM
Dana Scully
Five out of five.
Eddie Van Blundht
They spelled my name wrong. It's Van Blundht, with a silent "h." b-l-u-n-d-h-t.
Fox Mulder
We'll get right on that.
Eddie Van Blundht
Lots of people spell it wrong. It's like dutch or somethin'. Can I go now?
Dana Scully
No. There's a few things we have to clear up first.
Fox Mulder
Yeah. Like how'd you do it?
Eddie Van Blundht
What do you mean, "how'd I do it"?
Dana Scully
You're the father of five children, mr. Van Blundht. Is that not news to you? Do you have any insight into how five women came to be inseminated with your sperm?
Eddie Van Blundht
You make it sound so romantic.
Fox Mulder
So you're, you're saying there was romance involved?
Eddie Van Blundht
Why is that so hard to believe? Just 'cause I was born with a tail, no woman would want me? Maybe I got personality. You ever think of that?
Dana Scully
You had sex with these women? How is it that none of them have any recollection, whatsoever, of that happening?
Eddie Van Blundht
Look, I'm not saying anything one way or another. I'm just sayin', hypothetically, if some woman wanted to have kids and their husbands weren't capable, and everybody was happy, and nobody got hurt, hypothetically, where's the crime?
Fox Mulder
If you're waitin' for my usual theory as to what's goin' on, I don't have one.
Dana Scully
I do. On behalf of all the women in the world, I seriously doubt this has anything to do with consensual sex. I think it involved some form of rohypnol-rape.
Fox Mulder
The tranquilizer? I didn't think of that.
Dana Scully
Called the "date rape drug." high doses of it cause a loosening of inhibitions, memory loss. Now if Van Blundht was somehow able to slip the drug to these women, especially in conjunction with alcohol--
Fox Mulder
Yeah, but when and where would he have had the opportunity to slip it to them?
Dana Scully
He identified these women through his janitorial job at the medical park. He could've followed them anywhere, to a club, to a bar.
Fox Mulder
Those women don't look like the type that do a lot of solo drinking.
Dana Scully
I think it's enough to keep him in custody while we check it out.
Eddie Van Blundht
Ah, you spelled my name wrong. It's b-l-u-n-d-h-t. Silent "h."
Deputy
Address? I strongly suggest you stop eyeballin' me and tell me your address.
Eddie Van Blundht
17 prospect parkway. Martinsburg, 25401.
Deputy
All right, mr. Blund-ht. Give me your phone number. What the hell?
Eddie Van Blundht (as the deputy)
The "h" is silent.
Scene 07
POLICE STATION
Officer
I could've sworn Curtis clocked out hours ago. He said good night to me and everything. This morning I find him shoved underneath the desk.
Dana Scully
Deputy, are you sure you don't remember what happened last night?
Deputy
The guy cold-cocked me. Except, he wasn't the guy. He was me. My head hurts.
[ bell rings ]
Fox Mulder
I found Van Blundht's clothes in the locker room. He must've walked out of here wearing the deputy's spare uniform.
Dana Scully
After hitting him over the head.
Fox Mulder
I have a theory. Do you want to hear it?
Dana Scully
Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor, then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser?
Fox Mulder
Should we be pickin' out china patterns or what?
Dana Scully
Why can't you just go for the simple answer? With that blow to the head, the deputy might have identified... Mcgruff the crime dog as his attacker.
Fox Mulder
What about what the sheriff saw?
Dana Scully
Two men, roughly the same build, the same coloring, the addition of the uniform goes a long way to explain how someone... Can mistake one man for another at 3:00 in the morning.
Fox Mulder
Conversely, my theory goes a long way to explaining... How four married women could mistake Van Blundht for their husbands, and how Amanda Nelligan could think he was luke skywalker. We've both seen something like this before, Scully.
Dana Scully
But what are you saying? That, that Van Blundht is an alien?
Fox Mulder
Not unless they have trailer parks in space. No, this is something different.
Scene 08
SEVENTEEN PROSPECT PARKWAY
Fox Mulder
Scully, if you could be somebody else for a day, who would it be?
Dana Scully
Hopefully myself.
Fox Mulder
So boring. Wouldn't you even be tempted to try on somebody else's existence for a day? Live your life as somebody else?
Dana Scully
Looking like someone else, and being someone else are completely different things.
Fox Mulder
Maybe it's not. Everybody else around you would treat you like you were somebody else. Ultimately maybe it's other people's reactions to us that make us who we are.
Dana Scully
All right then, eleanor roosevelt.
Fox Mulder
You can't be a dead person.
Dana Scully
Why the hell not?
Fox Mulder
Because.
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
What are you doin' sneakin' around my porch?
Fox Mulder
We're with the FBI is this the home of edward Van Blundht?
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
Yeah, that's me.
Fox Mulder
We're looking for your son, Eddie, junior.
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
Eddie? What did that moron do now? Five women? Oh, lord! Anything else?
Dana Scully
Yes, he attacked a sheriff's deputy... During his escape from custody.
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
Hurt bad?
Dana Scully
Fortunately not.
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
Well, thank heavens for that at least.
Dana Scully
Sir, do you have any idea where your son might be?
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
I wish I did. I'm sorry. I haven't seen him for the last two days.
Fox Mulder
Is this-- is this you?
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
One and the same. Hey, you wanna see?
Dana Scully
No! No. No, thank you.
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
My son had his removed when he was, uh, just a kid. Kept buggin' me and buggin' me... Until I finally let him do it. There you go. I told him it was a mistake. I said, "son, you ain't much to look at. "you ain't no athlete... "and you sure the hell ain't no Einstein. "but at least you got that tail. Otherwise, you're just small potatoes." but he didn't listen.
Fox Mulder
Sir, does your son have any other unique medical conditions? I mean, aside from the tail?
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
Mr. Mulder, that boy was born sickly. We used to have this condition down in the south called pellagra.
Fox Mulder
Excuse me, sir, how did you know my name was Mulder?
Eddie Van Blundht (as his father)
She told me it was.
Dana Scully
Mmm, no, actually I didn't.
Fox Mulder
It's him! Pretty spry for an old guy, huh?
Dana Scully
Eddie, junior. Not senior?
Fox Mulder
Whichever one he is, wouldn't you say he's a man with a secret?
Mrs. Niemann
Honey, what are you doing home so early? [ whispering ] that was daddy. Something's wrong with daddy. Fred? Honey? Fred, is everything okay?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Fred Niemann)
Everything's fine.
Mrs. Niemann
What happened to the clothes you were wearing this morning?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Fred Niemann)
I-I'll explain later. Just give me a little privacy, okay, uh... Babboo?
Mrs. Niemann
Okay, sugar patootie.
Fox Mulder
I'll check upstairs. I'm all right.
Dana Scully
What?
[ sighs ]
[ spits ]
Dana Scully
Oh!
Fox Mulder
It's quicklime. Move back over there.
Dana Scully
Back.
Fox Mulder
Not so spry. Think the fall killed him?
[ door opens ]
Fred Niemann
Babboo, I'm home.
Eddie Van Blundht
Oh, crap!
Fred Niemann
I'm home early. What?
Mrs. Niemann
You were just here. You went into the bathroom.
Fred Niemann
What? Honey, what do you mean I went into the bathroom?
Mrs. Niemann
Shh, come here.
Fred Niemann
Someone is in the bathroom.
[ whimpers ]
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
It's all clear.
[ saw buzzing ]
Scene 09
MORGUE
Fox Mulder
So, what killed Eddie the monkey man?
Dana Scully
It's difficult to say. The quicklime burned the tissue even as it preserved it. So, what killed him is one of two things I haven't figured out yet.
Fox Mulder
What's the other thing?
Dana Scully
That would be this. Striated muscle tissue.
Fox Mulder
What's unusual about that?
Dana Scully
In and of itself, nothing. Where I found it, however--
Fox Mulder
Where did you find it?
Dana Scully
Everywhere. His entire body. As far as I can tell, this man has a thin stratum of voluntary muscle tissue... Underpinning the entire dermal layer of his skin. That's not normal. This man's body is quite a scientific specimen. And thankfully, it's preserved and intact. In other words, there are 654 muscles in the human body, and this man, essentially, has 655.
Fox Mulder
Um, could that somehow be related to his, uh, having a tail?
Dana Scully
Possibly. It could be, uh, a lynx gene birth defect.
Fox Mulder
What would be the, uh, purpose of this muscle?
Dana Scully
You got me, Mulder. You know, maybe none. It appears to be atrophied. Although it may look that way as a result of the mummification.
Fox Mulder
Could this be, uh, a "like father, like son" kind of thing?
Dana Scully
What do you mean?
Fox Mulder
Could Eddie, junior have, the same anomalous muscular structure as his dad here?
Dana Scully
Maybe. What are you suggesting?
Fox Mulder
If this musculature underlies the entire skin, then maybe it could be utilized to remold the skin's shape and texture, which would go a long way to explaining why we're looking for a man... Who can appear to be his own father, or anyone else for that matter.
Dana Scully
Isn't it much more likely that this man simply has an identical twin?
Fox Mulder
Check that out.
Dana Scully
Where are you going?
Fox Mulder
Something about Van Blundht's m.o. Confuses me. His victims were four married women who wanted to get pregnant.
Dana Scully
And one single woman who didn't.
Fox Mulder
Mm-hmm.
Scene 10
AMANDA NELLIGAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
[ knocking on door ]
Amanda Nelligan
Come in.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Sorry, ms. Nelligan. I'm sorry to bother you.
Amanda Nelligan
No, it's no bother.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I just have a few additional questions I wanted to ask you.
Amanda Nelligan
Okay.
Nurse
Here we go, sweetie.
Amanda Nelligan
Bye, bye.
Nurse
We'll just come back later.
Amanda Nelligan
You know, I thought they were lettin' me stay in the hospital so long... Because I had really, really great insurance. Turns out they're just keepin' me here because they think I'm sort of crazy. They wanna make sure I'm safe to be around my baby.
[ chuckles ]
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Free cable. I want to ask you, do you recognize this man?
Amanda Nelligan
Oh, yes. Eew! That's Eddie Van Blundht.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
What can you tell me about him?
Amanda Nelligan
We went out all through high school. Okay, brother.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
What?
Amanda Nelligan
Nothing. He's just-- he's sort of a loser. He's one of those guys you look back on and you go, "oh, my God, what was I thinking? What was I thinking?"
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Ah, well, what specifically made him a loser?
Amanda Nelligan
I don't know. Everything. He had like one million annoying personal habits. You know, just no sense of romance, no ambition, you know, no direction. I hear he's like a janitor or somethin' now. He had this weird family. His dad was in a circus or somethin'. I don't know. He never let me meet him, thank God.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Well, he must have had some good qualities.
Amanda Nelligan
Yeah, sure. Everybody's got a few. We had some good times. He really loved star wars so we used to go and see it every weekend. That was nice. Hmm. He was no luke, that's for sure. Why do you want to know about Eddie?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
That's official FBI business.
Amanda Nelligan
Wow.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Here you go. I wanted to congratulate you on this blessed event.
[ chuckles ]
Amanda Nelligan
Thank you! May the force be with you. [ groans ]
Nurse
Hello, there.
Fox Mulder
I'm here to see Amanda Nelligan.
Nurse
Just down the hall there.
[ knocking on door ]
Amanda Nelligan
Come in. No, seriously though, why do you want to know about Eddie?
Fox Mulder
What about Eddie?
Amanda Nelligan
Why were you asking me all those questions about him?
[ cell phone ringing ]
Fox Mulder
Mulder.
Fred Niemann
Agent Mulder, this is fred Niemann. Is it okay for us to get into our bathroom now?
Fox Mulder
Excuse me, sir?
Fred Niemann
I was hoping we could get into our bathroom sometime this evening. You said the police were gonna come by and dust it for fingerprints, but that was about four hours ago.
Fox Mulder
Uh-huh.
Fred Niemann
We want to help you catch this guy, but I'm having a real hard time here. I mean, how exactly do you wind up chasing the suspect into my bathroom?
Mrs. Niemann
Don't forget the suit. Yeah.
Fred Niemann
And what do you need with my charcoal suit?
Fox Mulder
I'm sorry, mr. Niemann. I'm gonna have to call you back. Um, I was just here. Where did I go?
Amanda Nelligan
Huh?
Fox Mulder
There was a man. He looked exactly like me. Did you see where he went?
Nurse
Down the hall. The men's locker room.
Fox Mulder
Thank you.
Scene 11
LOCKER ROOM
Fox Mulder
Hey.
Security Guard
Hey.
Fox Mulder
Van Blundht.
Security Guard
Who?
Fox Mulder
Don't think about it. Get your hands up. Turn around. Keep 'em up there. Put your hands down now. If it's not you, I apologize in advance.
Man
What are you doing?
Fox Mulder
Pull your pants up.
♪♪ [ whistling ]
Dr. Alton Pugh
What? What did I do now?
Fox Mulder
You're the only ones here?
Security Guard
Yeah.
Fox Mulder
I apologize. Only one of you is the man I'm looking for. I hope. I gotta wait for some blood tests to come back, then I'll release the other one. So just sit tight and relax. Keep your clothes on, huh?
[ dialing cell phone ]
Dana Scully
Scully.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, hey, it's me. I think you should get down to the hospital right away, okay?
Dana Scully
I'm on my way.
Fox Mulder
Good.
[ clunking sound ]
Eddie Van Blundht
You're a damn good-looking man.
[ shouts ] [ clattering sound ]
Scene 12
HALLWAY
Security Guard
You drew a gun on me. You handcuffed me!
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I know what I did.
Security Guard
With my own handcuffs.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I'm sorry.
Security Guard
I have a serious problem with that.
Dr. Alton Pugh
I still don't understand. Do you think we look like criminals to you?
Security Guard
Exactly. What the hell was on your mind?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I said I was sorry. Am I done here?
Cop
Yeah. We got his description. Come on, guys.
Dana Scully
What the hell happened?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Van Blundht surprised me. He cold-cocked me, and then got away.
Dana Scully
Got a lead on him?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
No. The local authorities are already on the warpath for goin' after one of their own. They'll catch him eventually.
Dana Scully
So what, that's it for us?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I know I dragged you out here, but I'm beginning to think this is just a waste of time.
Dana Scully
Now you think there's no X-File here?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
No. No. I, I think the only thing that's here is, uh, small potatoes.
Fox Mulder
Hello? Hello! Get me out of here!
Scene 13
HOSPITAL BASEMENT
Fox Mulder
Hello! Hello! Down here! Help! Help!
Scene 14
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON. D.C.
Walter Skinner
Which one of you wrote this?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I did, sir.
Walter Skinner
You spelled federal Bureau of investigation wrong.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
It was a typo.
Walter Skinner
Twice. Agent Scully, what about the body you found? Did you establish a cause of death?
Dana Scully
Yes, sir. The subject, edward Van Blundht, sr., died of natural causes. Specifically heart disease and advanced age.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
We think the son hid the father in the attic so he could continue... To cash in on the old man's social security checks.
Dana Scully
Most likely.
Walter Skinner
So, the son wasn't a murderer.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
No, not at all.
Walter Skinner
But he was a rapist.
Dana Scully
I entered him into the national sex offenders data base. The west Virginia state police have a photo and a description, and they will coordinate with local authorities. There should be an arrest soon.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
That about wraps it up. So, Scully, what are you doin' tonight? Any big plans?
Dana Scully
Seeing as how it's friday, I was thinking I could get some work in... On that monograph I'm writing for the penology review. You know, diminished acetylcholine production in recidivist offenders.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Uh-huh.
Dana Scully
Actually, I might bag that, though.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Really?
Dana Scully
Yeah. I have to say, the anomalous musculature in the corpse we found... Really has me intrigued. In fact, I think I'm going to go to quantico and have some tissue samples run. I'll see you monday.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Monday morning. "Fox"? Brother! Good night! This is where my tax dollars go? Where do I live?
Scene 15
MULDER'S APARTMENT
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Where the hell do I sleep?
[ answer machine beeps ]
Richard Langly
Mulder? Langley. You gotta see this. An on-line associate of ours, who will remain anonymous, has figured out a way to digitize the zagruder footage so he can extrapolate... A bird's-eye view at the daley plaza at the exact moment of the assassination. And you'll never believe where the third shot came from.
Melvin Frohike
Tell him about the cheese steaks.
Richard Langly
Oh, yeah. Frohike, Byers and me are goin' out for cheese steaks. Are you down with that? Uh, erase this once you hear it. [ machine beeps ]
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Geeks for friends.
Chantal
Marty, it's Chantal. It's been so long since we've spoken, and I've been so lonely not hearing your sexy voice. Marty, just for you, we've lowered our rates to 40 cents a minute, two ninety-nine for the first minute, all long distance rates apply. Do give me a call, lover man. I'll be waiting.
[ machine beeps ]
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
FBI f... B... I. FBI you lookin' at me? There ain't nobody else here. You must be lookin' at me. You want a piece of this? [ sighs ] you're a damn good-lookin' man.
[ knocking on door ]
Scene 16
SCULLY'S APARTMENT
Dana Scully
Mulder, what's up?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Scully, is this a bad time?
Dana Scully
No. No, I'm-- come on in. Who's that for?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Uh... Us.
Dana Scully
Okay, have a seat.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
So, uh, what are you workin' on?
Dana Scully
More autopsy data. Everyone at the lab found mr. Van Blundht pretty fascinating. We discovered an additional anomaly relating to the hair follicles in his scalp. I can't even begin to guess at the nature of it... Until we can run it through the transmission electron microscope.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Sounds very interesting.
Dana Scully
Yes, it is. Seriously, Mulder. What's going on? You okay? Mmm.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Just kinda knockin' around, and was just thinkin'--
[ coughs ]
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Uh, it's good. We never really, uh, talk much, do we?
Dana Scully
What do you mean? Like... Really talk? No, no, we don't, Mulder.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
What's stopping us?
Dana Scully
So there we are at 2:00 in the morning, me in my moray taffeta dress and marcus in whatever the hell he was wearing-- thank you very much. It had a kelly green cummerbund on it. Anyway, so I know that marcus is thinking that it's now or never. And I'm thinking--
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
What are you thinking?
Dana Scully
I'm thinking what is that siren I hear getting louder?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
No way! Who called the cops?
Dana Scully
It wasn't the cops. It was the fire department. My friend sylvia and her idiot prom date-- burwood? Had built this campfire that went totally out of control. And so we all had to ride back on the, uh-- what do you call it? The, uh, the pumper truck.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Geez.
Dana Scully
Yeah. Marcus was the twelfth grade love of my life. I can't believe I'm telling you this.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
I don't believe you haven't told me before.
Dana Scully
Now I'm seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Is that a good thing?
Dana Scully
I like it.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Do you ever wish things were different?
Dana Scully
What do you mean?
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
The person you wanted to be when you grew up, when you were in high school? How far off from that did you end up?
Dana Scully
Career wise? Miles off target.
Eddie Van Blundht (as Mulder)
Not just that. But do you ever wish... That you could go back and do it all differently?
Dana Scully
Do you?
[ gasps ]
[ door buzzes ]
Scene 17
CUMBERLAND REFORMATORY
Eddie Van Blundht
Thanks for comin'.
Fox Mulder
What's with the hat?
Eddie Van Blundht
My court-appointed therapist makes me wear it. She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem.
Fox Mulder
Does it?
Eddie Van Blundht
Not really. The other inmates beat me up and take it from me, which would be okay except every week she brings me a new hat. Plus, they keep me on some kind of muscle relaxant... So I, I can't make faces the way I used to. Did you tell them to do that? Is, uh, is agent Scully here?
Fox Mulder
What did you wanna talk to me about, Eddie?
Eddie Van Blundht
I just think it's funny. I was born a loser, but you're one by choice.
Fox Mulder
On what do you base that astute assessment?
Eddie Van Blundht
Experience. You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would if I were you.
[ door buzzes ]
Guard
Have a good day, sir.
Dana Scully
I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder, but you're not a loser.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, but I'm no Eddie Van Blundht, either, am I?
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.