Transcripts / Season 3 / War of the Coprophages

Season 3 · Episode 12

War of the Coprophages

Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official DVD subtitle track.

Production code3X12Original airdate · January 5, 1996

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336 dialogue entries

Scene 01

MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Bugger

Behold the mighty cockroach. Believed to have originated in the silurian period... Over 350 million years ago. They can be found in every part of the world, from the tropics to the Arctic. There exists 4,000 known species, and in a year, a single female can produce over half a million descendants. Radiation doesn't kill them. By evolutionary standards, they are nearly flawless creatures, but creatures nevertheless. Possessing only a simple nervous system, their behavior is dictated solely by responses to environmental stimuli. Unlike us, they are incapable of thought, of... Self-illumination. Compared to the Roach, we are gods... And must therefore act accordingly.

Jeff Eckerle

Is it true if you decapitate them, they continue to live, eventually dying of starvation?

Bugger

Look, buddy, I just kill 'em.

Jeff Eckerle

Well, that's why I called you. I thought that nowadays you froze the insects to death.

Bugger

Freeze them? Where's the fun in that? No, we got a new pesticide that works like a fungus. It not only kills the infected Roach, but that Roach then spreads the disease... To every other Roach it comes into contact with.

Jeff Eckerle

Well, just as long as you, uh, get rid of them. Bugs-- I don't know. They drive me crazy.

[ spritzing ]

Bugger

Why, you arrogant little--

Scene 02

[ chirps ]

[ gasping ]

[ panting ]

[ screams ]

Jeff Eckerle

I forgot to tell you I also found a Roach on--

[ groaning ]

[ cell phone ringing ]

[ ringing continues ]

Dana Scully

Mulder. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you.

Fox Mulder

My apartment complex was being fumigated, so I thought I'd get away for the weekend. I came up to Massachusetts.

Dana Scully

Visiting your mother?

Fox Mulder

No, just, uh, sitting and thinking. Widespread accounts of unidentified colored lights hovering in the skies... Were reported in this area last night. Look, Scully, I know it's not your inclination, but... Did you ever look up into the night sky... And feel certain that not only was something up there, but... It was looking down on you at that exact same moment... And was just as curious about you as you are about it?

Dana Scully

Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous... Than the emergence of life on this planet is that, through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. The very idea of intelligent alien life... Is not only astronomically improbable, but, at it's most basic level, downright anti-darwinian.

Fox Mulder

Scully, what are you wearing? I understand what you're saying, but I, I just need to keep looking.

Dana Scully

Yeah, well, don't look too hard. You might not like what you find.

Fox Mulder

Isn't that what dr. Zaius said to charlton heston... At the end of planet of the apes?

Dana Scully

And look what happened.

Fox Mulder

Scully, I got to go.

Dana Scully

What? Mulder, what's going on?

[ dial tone ]

Dana Scully

Mulder.

Sheriff Frass

How you doing? What are you doing?

Fox Mulder

Just sitting, thinking.

Sheriff Frass

Sitting and thinking? And talking on the phone? Who with, your drug dealer? Let me see some ID the bureau? You on a case?

Fox Mulder

I heard reports of several UFO sightings in this area last night. You see anything?

Sheriff Frass

No, sir, not personally. But we did receive a lot of telephone calls.

Fox Mulder

Any more calls tonight?

Sheriff Frass

No, sir. The FBI keeps tabs on these things?

Fox Mulder

No.

Sheriff Frass

Excuse me, sir, I don't like to pry, but why are you sitting here with your wiper blades on?

Fox Mulder

Oh, I was just knocking off some bugs that landed on my-- landed on my windshield.

Sheriff Frass

Cockroaches?

Fox Mulder

Maybe. Maybe beetles. I don't know. I'm not really good with bugs.

Dispatcher (radio)

This is dispatch. Come in. Over.

Sheriff Frass

Sorry to disturb you, sir.

Fox Mulder

What's the matter?

Sheriff Frass

Another Roach attack.

[ ringing ]

Dana Scully

Hello?

Fox Mulder

I think you better get up here.

Dana Scully

What is it?

Fox Mulder

It appears that cockroaches are mortally attacking people.

Dana Scully

I'm not gonna ask you if you just said what I think you just said... Because I know it's what you just said.

Fox Mulder

I'm crouching over a bug exterminator whose recently deceased body... Was discovered with cockroaches crawling all over him. The local sheriff says that two other bodies were found... In the same condition this afternoon.

Dana Scully

Where are you again?

Fox Mulder

Miller's grove. It has a large science constituency. The other incidents involved a molecular biologist and an astrophysicist, and the witness to this case is an alternative fuel researcher. These reports are not coming from yahoos out in the boondocks.

Jeff Eckerle

The image of those cockroaches... Has been permanently imprinted onto my brain. I see them every time I close my eyes.

Sheriff Frass

Try not to close your eyes.

Jeff Eckerle

How am I gonna sleep? And where? I'm certainly not spending the night here.

Sheriff Frass

Maybe you could get a motel room or something.

Dana Scully

Were there insect bites on the body?

Fox Mulder

Insect bites?

Newton

No.

Fox Mulder

No.

Dana Scully

There have been reported cases of fatal reactions. It's called, uh, anaphylactic shock.

Fox Mulder

Anaphylactic shock?

Dana Scully

Mm-hmm. Many such reactions... Have occurred to entomologists or exterminators.

Fox Mulder

Okay, we'll check that out.

Dana Scully

You still want me to come up?

Fox Mulder

No, no, no. I'm sure you're right. Thanks, Scully.

Sheriff Frass

Who was that?

Fox Mulder

My drug dealer.

[ inhaling, water bubbling ]

[ exhales ]

Scene 03

[ man chuckling ]

Stoner

Dude, that's some good crap. Come on, it's your hoot.

Chick

Um, I don't know about this, you guys.

Dude

You really ought to, you know. Try it. This stuff takes your mind and just sort of, you know, expands it.

Chick

Well, something tells me it's more than my mind you guys are interested in expanding.

Stoner

Well, how about another beer then?

Chick

Okay.

Dude

I don't know. I think you're making a mistake here. Beer is just, you know, beer. [ beeps ] but this stuff, it, like, swings the doors of perception so wide open, you can see whole 'nother world out there. But it's still like this world, you know. It tweaks your mind... And does this whole altered state thing to it. And suddenly, you see reality as it, you know, really exists. Oh, god.

Stoner

Dude, what's wrong, man?

Dude

Oh, god! Roaches!

Stoner

Dude, you're freaking, man!

Dude

Roaches! Cockroaches!

Stoner

What's the matter, man? What?

[ screaming ]

[ phone ringing ]

Scene 04

[ whines ]

Dana Scully

Stay. [ ringing continues ] hello.

Fox Mulder

I take it back, Scully. I think you better get up here.

Dana Scully

Another Roach attack?

Fox Mulder

Yeah, and this was no allergic reaction. Two witnesses claim they saw the victim screaming about cockroaches burrowing into him.

Dana Scully

Are there still insects in the body?

Fox Mulder

We haven't located any yet, but there are wounds all over the body.

Dana Scully

From the cockroaches?

Fox Mulder

Well, the victim did attempt to extract the insects using a razor blade, but we're not sure all of the incisions are self-inflicted, except for the severed artery.

Dana Scully

Was there any evidence of drug use at the crime scene?

Fox Mulder

Uh, well, he did have a homemade lab set up, but I'm not sure what he was producing. Aw, man! Smells like a septic tank! Would you make sure this gets analyzed here?

Dana Scully

You know, Mulder, there's a psychotic disorder... Associated with some forms of drug abuse... Where the abuser suffers from delusions that insects are infesting their epidermis. It's called ekbom's syndrome.

Fox Mulder

Ekbom's syndrome?

Dana Scully

The victim cuts himself in an attempt to extract the imaginary insect. You still want me to come up?

Fox Mulder

No. You're probably right. I'm sorry to bother you.

Dana Scully

It's no bother. Bye.

[ dog barking ]

Dana Scully

Hey!

Scene 05

Sheriff Frass

Kids are brain-dead. I couldn't get anything out of them.

Fox Mulder

What about some urine? For a drug test.

Sheriff Frass

Did you get it?

Fox Mulder

Get me a container. Oh, I think I killed it.

Sheriff Frass

You killed it? You annihilated it.

Fox Mulder

It must have molted. It's just empty exoskeleton.

Sheriff Frass

Well, at least we have evidence that cockroaches were actually here.

Fox Mulder

We've got more than that, sheriff. I think that bug's exoskeleton was made of metal.

Scene 06

EXAMINATION ROOM

Newton

Nothing more than a skin abrasion.

Fox Mulder

An abrasion caused by a metallic substance?

Newton

Why don't we wait until the analysis of the compound is finished... Before jumping to any conclusions? Uh, agent Mulder, as a doctor, I always find it best to be... Completely honest and open with my patients, no matter how unpleasant the information.

Fox Mulder

What do you need to tell me?

Newton

No. I need you to tell me something. What the hell is going on here?

Fox Mulder

Wha--

Newton

Are we in any danger?

Fox Mulder

I don't know.

Newton

Well, should I evacuate my family?

Fox Mulder

I wouldn't know.

Sheriff Frass

Doc, they're waiting for you to examine the boy's body.

Newton

Yeah, uh, as soon I take a little break. After talking with agent Mulder here, I suddenly feel slightly constipated.

Sheriff Frass

What's his problem?

Fox Mulder

He's upset that I don't know what's going on here.

Sheriff Frass

So what the hell is going on here?

[ beeps ]

Fox Mulder

I see the correlation, but just because I work for the federal government... Doesn't mean I'm an expert on cockroaches.

Sheriff Frass

So you don't know anything about the government's experiments... Being conducted here?

Fox Mulder

Experiments?

Sheriff Frass

A couple of months ago, an agent claiming to be from the department of agriculture... Sets up base on a couple of acres across town. Nobody knows exactly what's going on out there. It's top secret, very hush-hush.

Fox Mulder

What are you suggesting?

Sheriff Frass

Killer bees were a genetic experiment gone awry, let loose on an unsuspecting populace. Who's to say the government hasn't created a new breed of killer cockroaches?

Fox Mulder

You might want to keep that theory to yourself, sheriff. No need to create a panic.

Man

Oh! Oh, my god! Help! Somebody help! Hey!

Sheriff Frass

What the hell happened?

Man

Cockroaches. He was covered in cockroaches.

Fox Mulder

I don't see any roaches.

Man

When I went out to look for help and I came back, they disappeared.

Sheriff Frass

Gently. Gently.

Fox Mulder

Hmm. Doesn't appear odd in any-- ooh!

[ beeps ]

Sheriff Frass

Next time, let me handle the roaches.

Scene 07

SCULLY'S HOUSE · WASHINGTON, D.C.

[ ringing ]

Dana Scully

Who died now?

Fox Mulder

The medical examiner. His body was found next to a toilet, covered with roaches. I really think you should come--

Dana Scully

A toilet? Check his eyes. Is one of them bloodshot with a dilated pupil?

Fox Mulder

Yeah.

Dana Scully

Well, it's probably a brain aneurysm.

Fox Mulder

Brain aneurysm?

Dana Scully

Straining too forcefully... Is very common causation for bursting a brain aneurysm.

Fox Mulder

Well, how do you explain the roaches though?

Dana Scully

Did you catch any?

Fox Mulder

Almost.

Dana Scully

I don't know what to tell you, Mulder. I just hope you're not implying you've come across an infestation... Of killer cockroaches.

Scene 08

USDA BASE · MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

[ cell phone ringing ]

Fox Mulder

Mulder.

Dana Scully

Mulder? I've been doing some research. Back in the mid-'80s, there was a cockroach species previously only found in asia, and since then, it's made an appearance in Florida. They've now completely established themselves in this country.

Fox Mulder

Do they attack people?

Dana Scully

No, but they exhibit behavior different than domestic breeds. They fly for long distances, and they're attracted to light.

Fox Mulder

But do they attack people?

Dana Scully

I'm suggesting that what's happening out there... Might be the introduction to this country of a new species of cockroach, one that is attracted to people.

Fox Mulder

Well, that all makes perfect sense, Scully. I don't like it at all. Did you know that the federal government, under the guise of the department of agriculture, has been conducting secret experiments up here?

Dana Scully

You're not thinking about trespassing onto government property again, are you? I know that you've done it in the past, but I don't think that this case warrants--

Fox Mulder

It's too late. I'm already inside.

[ sighs ]

Dana Scully

Well, what's going on? What do you see?

Fox Mulder

I'm in a house. It's apparently empty.

Dana Scully

What does the place look like?

Fox Mulder

It's a, uh... Typical two-story suburban house. Nice big living room, sparsely furnished. Nice carpets, fireplace. Nice kitchen. Modern appliances. Moving walls.

Dana Scully

Moving walls?

Fox Mulder

Yeah. They're rippling. Oh! Cockroaches!

Dana Scully

What?

Fox Mulder

Cockroaches. They're everywhere. Ah! I'm surrounded!

Dana Scully

Mulder, you've got to get out of there right now. Nooo! Are you all right? What happened?

Fox Mulder

Flashlight went out.

Dana Scully

Mulder, what's going on?

Fox Mulder

Gotta go.

Dana Scully

Mulder! Mulder!

[ dial tone ]

Bambi Berenbaum

May I ask why you're trespassing on government property?

Fox Mulder

I'm a federal agent.

Bambi Berenbaum

So am I.

Fox Mulder

Agent Mulder, FBI

Bambi Berenbaum

Doctor Berenbaum, u.s.d.a. Agricultural research service.

Fox Mulder

Doctor Berenbaum, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.

Bambi Berenbaum

For instance?

Fox Mulder

What's a woman like you doing in a place like this?

Scene 10

USDA BASE · MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Bambi Berenbaum

Temperature, air currents, food availability, we can determine the best ways to eradicate them.

Fox Mulder

Why all the secrecy about your research? You've got some of the good townspeople suspicious.

Bambi Berenbaum

You expect us to advertise that we've intentionally... Infested a house in their neighborhood with thousands of cockroaches?

Fox Mulder

But those, those cockroaches, are they a normal species?

Bambi Berenbaum

They're a common one.

Fox Mulder

Have you ever come across a type of cockroach that is attracted to people?

Bambi Berenbaum

Most cockroaches have been known to actually wash themselves... After being touched by humans.

Fox Mulder

Really. So you've never seen an instance where a cockroach actually attacks a human being?

Bambi Berenbaum

Well, there have been cases where a cockroach has crawled into a person's ear or nose.

Fox Mulder

Nose? What is that there?

Bambi Berenbaum

Oh, it's just a pet project of mine. Since an insect's exoskeleton is a dielectric... Surrounding the conductive medium of its body fluid, when introduced into an electrical field, the brushed discharge will result in a colored flare.

Fox Mulder

What is that supposed to prove?

Bambi Berenbaum

Well, it's my theory that UFOs are actually insect swarms. I don't know if you know anything about UFOs, but all the characteristics of a typical sighting... Are shared with nocturnal insects... Swarming through an electrical air field. The sudden appearance of a colored, glowing light hovering in the night sky, moving in a nonmechanical matter, possibly humming, creating interference with radio and television signals, then suddenly disappearing.

Fox Mulder

As, uh, nocturnal insect swarms, that's, uh, that's fascinating.

Bambi Berenbaum

Everything about insects is fascinating. They are truly remarkable creatures. So beautiful and so honest.

Fox Mulder

Honest?

Bambi Berenbaum

Eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. That's all they do. That's all we do, but at least insects don't kid themselves that it's anything more than that. Does my scientific detachment disturb you?

Fox Mulder

No. No, actually, I, I find it quite refreshing.

[ cell phone ringing ]

Fox Mulder

Not now. You know, um-- I have always found insects to be very interesting.

Bambi Berenbaum

Really?

Scene 11

MILLER'S GROVE MOTOR LODGE

Reporter

This is the fifth report of a deceased body... Being found amongst a horde of cockroaches, but police are not confirming, at least not yet, that the insects have anything to do with the fatalities. Police have also disaffirmed the rumor that these deaths were the result... Of an outbreak of the ebola virus... Somehow being spread by infected cockroaches. As for now, these incidents remain under local jurisdiction, [ beeps ] but a nurse here did confirm that an FBI agent is on the case. Police are asking that if you see any cockroaches, don't panic. Simply notify the local authorities and evacuate the area immediately. Reporting live, this is skye leikin for channel three, nightwatch news.

Woman

Then suddenly, there was this terrible crash. You know, you could've been killed.

[ blowing nose ]

Dana Scully

[ ringing ] Mulder, are you okay?

Fox Mulder

I can't sleep.

Dana Scully

What happened at the u.s.d.a. Site?

Fox Mulder

They're conducting legitimate experiments. I met an entomologist, dr. Berenbaum, who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new cockroach species.

Dana Scully

Did he give you any idea of how to catch them?

Fox Mulder

No. But she did tell me everything else there is to know about insects.

Dana Scully

She? Yeah. Did you know that the ancient egyptians... Worshipped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids... To honor them, which may just be giant symbolic dung heaps? Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named thomas crapper?

Fox Mulder

Bambi also has this theory I've never come acro--

Dana Scully

Who?

Fox Mulder

Dr. Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is--

Dana Scully

Her name is Bambi?

Fox Mulder

Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFOs are actually nocturnal insect swarms... Passing through electrical air fields.

Dana Scully

Her name is Bambi?

Fox Mulder

Scully, can I confess something to you?

Dana Scully

Yeah, sure, okay.

Fox Mulder

I hate insects.

Dana Scully

You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's just a-- it's a natural, instinctive--

Fox Mulder

No, no, I'm not afraid of them. I hate them. One day back when I was a kid, I was, uh, I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever to realize that it was no leaf.

Dana Scully

A praying mantis?

Fox Mulder

Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany. And as a result, I screamed. No, not a girlie scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster... That had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? The mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was... Repulsed.

Dana Scully

Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream?

[ man screaming ]

Dana Scully

What was that?

Fox Mulder

Oh, I got to go.

Dana Scully

Mul-- no-- ohh!

Jeff Eckerle

Did you hear that too?

Resident #1

Came from over there.

Resident #2

What the hell's going on?

Jeff Eckerle

Hello? Is everything all right in there?

[ screaming ]

Jeff Eckerle

Don't go in there, man!

[ phone ringing ]

Scene 12

SCULLY'S HOUSE · WASHINGTON, D.C.

Dana Scully

What happened this time?

Fox Mulder

One of the motel guests died.

Dana Scully

Mulder, I'm coming up there right now.

Fox Mulder

Scully, I think this man died simply from a reaction to the cockroaches.

Dana Scully

Two cases of anaphylactic shock... In the same day in the same town is highly improbable.

Fox Mulder

No. I'm saying that I think this man simply had a heart attack. Word about the cockroach infestation... And the deaths related to it has gotten out, and I think this man simply saw some cockroaches and scared himself to death.

Dana Scully

Regardless, Mulder, something strange is going on out there.

Fox Mulder

Maybe not. All your conjectures have proved correct. The exterminator did die from anaphylactic shock. The teenage boy did die from self-inflicted wounds... And was getting high off methane fumes derived from burning manure. The medical examiner did die from a brain aneurysm.

Dana Scully

I still haven't been able to explain the cockroaches at all these sites.

Fox Mulder

Or the fact that their exoskeletons are made of metal.

Dana Scully

Metal? What are you talking about? Mulder? Mulder, I'm coming up there.

Fox Mulder

Whatever.

Scene 13

USDA BASE · MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Fox Mulder

Can you tell what kind of cockroach it is?

Bambi Berenbaum

I should be able to. The abdomen's still attached, and we differentiate species by their genitalia. Oh my god.

Fox Mulder

Is it abnormal?

Bambi Berenbaum

I'll say. He's hung like a club-tailed dragonfly. Excuse me.

Fox Mulder

Does it still look unusual?

Bambi Berenbaum

Well, yes, for an insect genitalia, but maybe not for a microprocessor.

Fox Mulder

You're implying that this insect is mechanical? What am I supposed to be looking at here? Have you ever seen anything like this before?

Bambi Berenbaum

Only in science journals. I've read about an artificial intelligence researcher... Who designs robots that resemble and behave like insects. I've never seen them myself, but I've often thought of visiting his lab.

Fox Mulder

He works out of this town?

Scene 14

MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF ROBOTICS

[ whirring ]

Fox Mulder

Doctor Ivanov?

Dr. Ivanov

Why are you scaring my robots? For decades, my colleagues in artificial intelligence... Have attempted to create an autonomous robot. By struggling to give their machines... A human-like brain, they have failed. A human brain is too complex, too computational. It thinks too much. But insects merely react. I use insects as my model, not just in design but by giving them the simplest of computer programs. "go to the object. Go away from moving object." governed only by sensors and reflex responses, they take on the behavior of intelligent living beings.

Fox Mulder

So this one is just programmed to head towards any object... Moving within the field of its sensors?

Dr. Ivanov

No.

Fox Mulder

Then why is it following me?

Dr. Ivanov

It likes you.

Fox Mulder

Your contract is with NASA?

Dr. Ivanov

The goal is to transport a fleet of robots... To another planet and allow them to navigate the terrain... With more intricacy than any space probe has done before. It sounds slightly fantastic, but the only obstacle I can foresee... Is devising a renewable energy source. It does not include living entities.

Fox Mulder

I'm just speculating here, but if extraterrestrial life-forms do exist--

Dr. Ivanov

Oh, there's no need for speculation. I believe they do.

Fox Mulder

And assuming that they're more technologically advanced than we are, and if your own ideas about the future of space exploration are correct, then--

Dr. Ivanov

Then the interplanetary explorers of alien civilizations... Will likely be mechanical in nature. Yes. Anyone who thinks alien visitation... Will come not in the form of robots, but of living beings with big eyes and gray skin... Has been brainwashed by too much science fiction.

Fox Mulder

Can you identify this?

Dr. Ivanov

I'm not really good with bugs. A cricket's leg?

Fox Mulder

Try it under the microscope. Are you all right, dr. Ivanov? Can you identify that?

[ no audio dialogue ]

Fox Mulder

Sir?

Dr. Ivanov

It's... Beyond my comprehension.

Scene 15

MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Man #1

Hey, kid, move it! Gimme that!

[ yelling ]

Clerk

Back off, buddy!

Woman #1

Get it! Hurry up! Get your own! I saw it first!

[ yelling continues ]

[ tires screeching ]

Man #2

[ man shouting ] hey, what are you, crazy? Why are you stopping?

Woman #1

Hey, you idiot, you hit me! We gotta get outta here!

Dana Scully

Excuse me, do you sell road maps? Could you tell me where they are?

Woman #2

Come on, hurry up!

Dana Scully

What's going on here?

Woman #2

Haven't you heard about the roaches? They're devouring people whole. Everybody's getting the hell out of here.

Dana Scully

Have you seen any cockroaches yourself?

Woman #2

No, but they're everywhere.

Man #3

Roaches aren't attacking people, lady. They're spreading the ebola virus. Look, keep the change. We're all gonna be bleeding from our nipples!

Dana Scully

All right. All right, listen up! I'm agent Dana Scully... From the federal bureau of investigation. I am assuring you that you are not in any danger. Everything is gonna be okay if you just calm down and start acting rationally. Now, where the hell are those road maps?

Woman #3

Hey! This last can is mine!

Man #4

Roaches!

[ screaming ]

Scene 16

MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF ROBOTICS

[ engines starting, tires screeching, horns honking ]

Fox Mulder

Well, doctor, I, uh, I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions.

Dr. Ivanov

Yeah.

Fox Mulder

Greetings from planet earth.

Scene 17

USDA BASE · MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Bambi Berenbaum

Well, it's a cockroach, all right. It's not like the leg segment you had me examine earlier. It's just a typical cockroach.

Fox Mulder

Even the...

Bambi Berenbaum

Yes, even the genitalia is normal. Cockroaches are common in this area at this time of year. It's one of the reasons I set up my study here.

[ cell phone ringing ]

Fox Mulder

Mulder.

Dana Scully

Mulder, this town is insane.

Fox Mulder

Where are you?

Dana Scully

I'm in a convenience store on the outskirts of, uh... Civilization. Look, I think I may have a lead. Remember that dr. Eckerle who was the alternative fuel researcher... That witnessed the exterminator's death? Well, the fuel that he's researching is methane gas. Methane derived from manure.

Fox Mulder

Manure?

Dana Scully

He has an import license... To bring in animal dung samples from outside the country. Now, maybe you can confirm this with your dr. Bambi, but I think that cockroaches are dung-eaters. And if so, some of them may have been shipped accidentally in some of the samples. This fuel research facility could be ground Zero for the infestation.

Fox Mulder

Scully, if an alien civilization were technologically advanced enough... To build and send artificially intelligent robotic probes... To the farthest reaches of space, might they not have also been able to perfect the extraction of methane fuel from manure, an abundant and replenishing energy source on a planet... Filled with dung-producing creatures?

Dana Scully

Mulder, I think you've been in this town too long.

Fox Mulder

Where's the research facility located?

Scene 18

ALT FUELS · MILLER'S GROVE, MASSACHUSETTS

Fox Mulder

Wait, Bambi. You better wait here until I make sure it's safe.

Bambi Berenbaum

Be careful. We still don't know what these cockroaches are capable of, if they're even cockroaches.

Fox Mulder

I'm not so much worried about the cockroaches as I am about the human element.

[ cockroaches chirping, beeping ]

[ cockroach beeps ]

[ beeping ]

[ beeping continues ]

[ gunshot ] [ gasps ]

Fox Mulder

Dr. Eckerle?

Jeff Eckerle

They're after me. First at my house, then at the motel, and then I came here to get away, but... They're following me.

Fox Mulder

You're not in any danger. These insects won't harm you.

Jeff Eckerle

I've seen them kill two men.

Fox Mulder

They weren't responsible for those deaths, but they might be responsible for ours if you continue firing your gun... In a plant full of methane gas.

Jeff Eckerle

Don't you understand? The bugs. They drive me crazy.

Dana Scully

Let me guess. Bambi.

Bambi Berenbaum

Fox told me to wait out here while he checked inside first. Should I come along with you?

Dana Scully

No. This is no place for an entomologist.

Jeff Eckerle

[ beeping continues ] why are these roaches making those weird noises?

Fox Mulder

In madagascar, they have roaches that hiss... By blowing air through the holes in their upper thorax.

Jeff Eckerle

Really? How do you know so much about them?

Fox Mulder

I don't. That's why we shouldn't kill these, but capture them for further study. Now, please. Put the gun down.

Jeff Eckerle

Have I lost my mind?

Fox Mulder

No. You've just had a very stressful day... That's affected your ability to think clearly. Your judgment is a little clouded right now.

Jeff Eckerle

It is? Then how do I know that you're not a cockroach?

Dana Scully

Mulder! Mulder!

[ cell phone beeping ]

Fox Mulder

If not more so.

[ cell phone ringing ]

Jeff Eckerle

[ ringing continues ] you are one of them!

[ gunshot ]

Dana Scully

Mulder!

Fox Mulder

Get out, Scully! This whole place could blow! Get down! Crap.

Sheriff Frass

It's like a crematorium in there. I don't think we're gonna locate the doctor's remains.

Fox Mulder

Or anything else.

Sheriff Frass

Still, it's not as bad as some of the other fires... We had last night.

Dana Scully

There were others?

Sheriff Frass

Four, to be exact, plus 18 automobile accidents, 13 assault and batteries. Two stores were looted. Thirty-six injuries all total, half of them from insecticide poisoning. But we didn't receive reports on cockroaches or otherwise for the last couple of hours. Maybe this town's finally come to its senses. You two ought to go home and get some rest. You look pooped.

Dr. Ivanov

Agent Mulder! They told me I could locate you here. Those segments you showed me earlier, may I examine them again?

Fox Mulder

Well, they're completely desiccated, just like the molted exoskeleton.

Bambi Berenbaum

You know, many insects don't develop wings... Until their last molting stage. Perhaps whatever these things were, they had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they originated.

Dana Scully

Yeah, that would explain everything.

Dr. Ivanov

May I borrow this, agent Mulder, for further study?

Fox Mulder

I've already had a similar sample analyzed. It's nothing but common metals. What do you hope to find from it?

Bambi Berenbaum

His destiny.

Dr. Ivanov

Isn't that what dr. Zaius said to zira... At the end of the planet of the apes?

Bambi Berenbaum

It's one of my favorite movies.

Dr. Ivanov

Mine too. I love science fiction.

Bambi Berenbaum

I'm also fascinated by your research. Have you ever considered programming the robots... To mimic the behavior of social insects like ants or bees?

Dr. Ivanov

As a matter of fact, I have.

Bambi Berenbaum

You know, I read in november of '94 in entomology extreme--

Dr. Ivanov

Oh, I remember that.

Bambi Berenbaum

Your article about colonization--

Dr. Ivanov

Yes, I really enjoyed writing that.

Dana Scully

Smart is sexy. Well, think of it this way, Mulder. By the time there's another invasion of artificially intelligent... Dung-eating robotic probes from outer space, maybe their uber-children will have devised a way to save our planet.

Fox Mulder

You know, I never thought I'd say this to you, Scully, but you smell bad.

Scene 19

MULDER'S APARTMENT

Fox Mulder

"the development of our cerebral cortex... "has been the greatest achievement of the evolutionary processes. "big deal. While allowing us the thrills of intellect... "and the pangs of self-consciousness, "it is all too often overruled by our inner instinctive brain, "the one that tells us to react, not reflect, "to run rather than ruminate. "maybe we have gone as far as we can go, "and the next advance, whatever that may be, "will be made by beings we create ourselves, using our own tech--

[ beeps ]

Fox Mulder

"tech-- [ beeps ]

[ beeps ]

Fox Mulder

"technology. "life-forms we can design and program... "not to be ultimately governed and constricted by the rules of survival. "or perhaps that step forward has already been achieved on another planet... "by organisms that had a billion years head start on us. "if these beings ever visited us, "would we recognize what we were seeing? "and upon catching sight of us, would they react in anything but horror... At seeing such mindless, primitive, hideous creatures?"

About this transcript

The dialogue comes from the official DVD subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.