Martin
I know you think I'm crazy... but it's not me. It's the world. The world's gone mad. Because.... Because Martians have invaded, but nobody seems to care.
Season 11 · Episode 4
The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official Blu-ray subtitle track.
Production code2AYW04Original airdate · January 24, 2018
310 dialogue entries
Scene 01
The Lost Martian · Diner
Buddy
Take it easy, mister. Have a cup of joe.
[WHIMPERING]
Martin
I can't take it easy. I just saw one outside.
Buddy
So tell me, what do these Martians look like?
Martin
They have giant heads and multiple appendages.
Buddy
Yikes. And they're here to eat us or something?
Martin
No. They have a ray of some kind that makes us... forget.
Buddy
Forget what?
Martin
There! I just saw one!
Buddy
Where?
Martin
Outside through that window, I just saw one of them.
Buddy
Heh. Hey, mister. That ain't a window. That's a mirror.
[WHIMPERING]
Martin
What is this, some kind of sick joke, buddy?
Buddy
Oh, it's no joke. And my name's not Buddy.
Martin
Wait, what?
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Scene 02
Mulder's House · Night
[PHONE RINGING]
Fox Mulder
Hello?
Dana Scully
Mulder, it's me. Where have you been? I've been trying your cell.
Fox Mulder
I was out squatching.
Dana Scully
What?
Fox Mulder
Bigfoot hunting. I had my phone turned off.
Dana Scully
Did you have any luck?
Fox Mulder
No. But that's not really the point. I just had to get away from the madness for a little while. It seems this past year all I've done is watch the news... and worry that the country's gone insane. I had to get out to nature, you know, where it's simple and uncomplicated... where it's just you and the elements.
Dana Scully
And possibly a cryptozoological simian-like hairy humanoid with enormous feet. I think you just like saying "squatching." Are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?
Fox Mulder
Yeah, I'll see you then. Scully, did I ever tell you about the time I found a Sasquatch footprint in the mud? It was 35 years ago.
Dana Scully
You did, I've heard this before.
Fox Mulder
On the banks of Mogoagogo River.
Dana Scully
You've told me already. I gotta go, gotta go.
Fox Mulder
In beautiful British Columbia-- Scully? Scully?
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Scene 03
Parking Garage · Reggie
Fox Mulder
Mulder.
Reggie
It's me. Now, I know you're surprised to see me. I thought we were all done after, you know, that last case. I've stumbled on the conspiracy to.... To end all conspiracies.
Fox Mulder
Who are you?
[SIGHS]
Reggie
So they have already gotten to you.
Fox Mulder
How did you know how to contact me? To meet me here?
Reggie
I-- It had to be someplace safe. They.... They'd kill us if they had the chance.
Fox Mulder
And who are they?
Reggie
They are why you don't remember. Why aren't people getting probed... by aliens anymore? You used to know, but they made you forget... so that you wouldn't remember me.
Fox Mulder
Look, what is this all about?
Reggie
Oh, my God. There's no way for me to make you understand without me seeming like a crazed madman.
Fox Mulder
It's a little late for that. I think your ride is here.
Reggie
The first Twilight Zone episode you ever saw, it was "The Lost Martian," right? You remember that?
Fox Mulder
And if I do?
Reggie
That Twilight Zone episode doesn't exist. It never did.
Man
MAN [WHISPERS]: Were you followed?
Reggie
Who is that?
Fox Mulder
It'd be a hell of a twist If it were Rod Serling. Submitted for your approval.
Scene 04
Mulder's House · Day
Fox Mulder
No, it's not in here either.
Dana Scully
What I don't understand is how this guy knew about your secret rendezvous signal?
Fox Mulder
Who cares about any of that, Scully? I can't find "The Lost Martian." When he said that that episode of The Twilight Zone didn't exist... That's when I knew he was a Crazy person. It's a classic. I came home and checked my box DVD set, and it wasn't on there. I checked all my episode guide books. No mention of it. I had to search it online. Nothing. Now I'm going through my tapes because I'm sure I recorded it at some point.
Dana Scully
Well, maybe it's one of those other shows, like Outer Limits or--
Fox Mulder
Confuse The Twilight Zone with The Outer Limits? Do you even know me?
Dana Scully
Can we talk about this over dinner? Please?
Fox Mulder
I'm not gonna be able to eat until I find this, ever again.
Dana Scully
It can't be that good of an episode.
Fox Mulder
It's not about the episode, Scully. It's about my memory of seeing my first Twilight Zone. It changed me. You don't forget that. I was 8 years old, my parents let me stay up till midnight... because that was back in the day when it only aired late at night... on some local channel.
Scene 05
Mulder's Childhood · The Lost Martian
Dana Scully
Wait, what?
Buddy
And my name's not Buddy.
Young Mulder
Wait, what? Oh, now I get it.
[DEVIL LAUGHING]
Scene 06
Mulder's House
Fox Mulder
I remember it all so clearly, as if it just happened.
Scene 07
Parking Garage · Scully and Reggie
Reggie
He stand you up again?
Dana Scully
Are you that guy that met with Mulder last night?
Reggie
What gave it away, Skulls?
Dana Scully
He mentioned the forehead sweat.
Reggie
I need you to help me find someone.
Dana Scully
Who?
Reggie
Me. They.... They're trying to erase me! Skulls, look, I can prove it.
Dana Scully
Hey. I'm armed. Where did you find this?
Reggie
My fingerprints are on that box. Just prove that I'm real!
Dana Scully
Wait!
[GASPS]
Scene 08
The X-Files Office · Goop-O A-B-C
Fox Mulder
Let me get this straight. When it cools, it forms into three different layers... with three different textures, all from the same mix?
Dana Scully
How has this never been an X-File?
Fox Mulder
I have such wonderful memories associated with it.
Dana Scully
I remember my mom making it. I remember family vacations over the summer holidays... and Fourth of July, fireworks, America, God, love.
Fox Mulder
That's some Jell-O.
Dana Scully
I mean, just the cherry flavor.
Fox Mulder
The lemon-lime tasted like leprechaun taint.
Dana Scully
But I have literally been looking for this for decades. But every time I look for Goop-O A-B-C, "No, you must be thinking about Jell-O 1-2-3."
Fox Mulder
It's the Mandela Effect.
Dana Scully
What do you mean?
Fox Mulder
When someone has a memory of something not shared by the majority or the factual record. Some people have a memory of seeing a movie... called Shazaam starring Sinbad as an irrepressible genie... Even after it's pointed out to them they're probably thinking of Kazaam... Starring Shaquille O'Neal as a genie. Especially because a movie called Shazaam was never made.
Dana Scully
But what if I don't remember either movie?
Fox Mulder
You win!
Dana Scully
But, Mulder, isn't your false Twilight Zone memory also a Mandela Effect?
Fox Mulder
No, because my false memory is real.
Dana Scully
But again, how does this mystery guy, whose fingerprints came up with nothing... Now does he even know about these secret memories of ours?
Fox Mulder
You can ask him tonight. I taped an "X" to the window this morning.
Dana Scully
But that's your secret rendezvous signal. I don't wanna intrude.
Fox Mulder
He clearly wants you involved, Scully. Come on, it'll be like a date.
Scene 09
Parking Garage · The Three of Them
Dana Scully
Well, this is romantic.
Fox Mulder
Isn't it?
[SCOFFS]
Dana Scully
So who are you?
Reggie
I think my name is Reggie.
Dana Scully
Reggie something.
Fox Mulder
Well, Mr. Something, you wanna tell us what this is all about?
[SCOFFS]
Reggie
Like all life-questioning revelations, it came to me while I was moving. Not myself, but my mother.
Scene 10
Reggie's Story · The Nursing Home
Reggie
When unpacking her stuff, I came across a bunch of old things of mine she kept. Remembering my mom reading Dr. Wuzzle books to me... is one of the fondest memories I have. But when I looked more closely at the book's cover... That's when the woozle-wozzle-bloober-blubs hit the fan. What? Because Dr. Wuzzle's name... was spelled different than how I remembered. Not with two S's, but with two Z's. What's happening?
Scene 11
Parking Garage
Fox Mulder
It's the Mandela Effect.
Reggie
The what effect?
Fox Mulder
The Mandela Effect. When someone has a memory that doesn't coincide with everybody else's or the facts. So named because some have a memory of hearing... that Nelson Mandela died in the ‘80s while imprisoned... when, in fact, he died a free man in 2013.
Reggie
No. It's called the Mengele Effect. Because people have a memory... of Josef Mengele getting apprehended in Ohio in 1970. So it's the Mengele Effect.
Fox Mulder
The Mandela Effect has been an Internet meme for almost a decade. It's always been called that.
Reggie
Ah. See, you're having a Mengele Effect about the Mandela Effect. I should know because of how I found out about it. My search led me to a historical repository of vintage Americana.
[DOOR BELL RINGING]
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
Scene 12
Reggie's Story · The Memorabilia Store
Reggie
Excuse me, do you have any old Dr. Wuzzle books?
Shop Owner
That's something somebody might actually want, so no. I do have something over in the political shame section that might interest you. Uh.... It's a cartoon that Dr. Wuzzle drew back in 1940.
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Reggie
Damn it, it's still wrong!
Shop Owner
Easy, easy. If you're gonna break something, use the Evel Knievel doll. It'll make it more authentic.
Reggie
What-- No, I'm sorry. It's... I remember his name being spelled in a different way.
Shop Owner
Oh, boy. Sounds like somebody's suffering from the Mengele Effect.
Scene 13
Parking Garage
Reggie
See? It's called the Mengele Effect.
Fox Mulder
That doesn't prove anything.
Reggie
Just trust me. Okay, I've done a lot of research into this since then. And the shop owner himself was a bit of an expert on the topic.
Scene 14
Reggie's Story · The Shop Owner
Shop Owner
It all started a couple of years ago. People coming in looking for some fondly remembered item from their past. I'd show it to them, but there's always something just a little off. And they'd be like, "No, I remember the logo being racist in a different way." Like everybody's recall is out of whack. Yeah, yeah. And I think the government knows about It.
Reggie
What do you mean?
Shop Owner
Government always knows more than they let on. For instance, do you think the government didn't know when this was being sold... back in the ‘70s, that it wasn't full of carcinogens? They know the truth about the Mengele Effect.
Scene 15
Parking Garage
Reggie
That's when I launched my own investigation into the phenomenon. The Mengele Effect is being intentionally orchestrated by someone.
Dana Scully
Who? And to what end?
Reggie
For the simple reasons Orwell said, “He who controls the past, controls the future." The ability to manipulate memory creates unlimited power.
Dana Scully
Political, economical, cultural.
Reggie
It runs the gamut from Holocaust denial to corporate product recognition. There are companies who are willing to pay anything, do anything... to have people forget that their products explode on impact... or suddenly catch fire. Companies like-- Spending billions in profit to repress these memories. Only thing I haven't been able to do is figure out how they're doing it.
Dana Scully
They can't. I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. I mean, the Mandela Effect--
Reggie
It's the Mengele Effect. It's the Mengele Effect, just say it.
Dana Scully
--is simply people misremembering stuff.
Fox Mulder
But maybe this is actually evidence of a parallel universe.
Dana Scully and Reggie
Wait, what?
Fox Mulder
So maybe these differences in collective memories are actually evidence... of our universe somehow becoming intertwined with another... if not identical, then very similar universe. So people's memories are correct... They're just remembering something that happened in another dimension. Hence, the discrepancies. That's science, Scully.
Dana Scully
Theoretical science, at best, Mulder.
Reggie
Yeah, we're not gonna do this parallel universe sci-fi gobbledygook, nerd boy, okay? Just, please, drop it. That crap gives me a headache.
Fox Mulder
It's a lot better than some evil entity zapping people's brains with a hypno-ray gun.
Reggie
I never mentioned a hypno-ray gun.
Dana Scully
It's faulty memory because Occam's razor.
Reggie
That's Ozzie's razor, not Occam's. It's always been Ozzie's razor.
Fox Mulder
Maybe in a parallel universe it is... but in still yet another universe, it's perhaps known as Occam's ax.
Dana Scully and Reggie
It's not parallel universes!
Reggie
Now, look, since I'm the only one with any proof of this insidious plot--
Fox Mulder
What proof? You've yet to offer any proof.
Reggie
Proof is in the fact that once I uncovered what they were up to... they turned the Mengele Effect on me. Just-- Look. It's my high school yearbook my mom kept. There is not a single picture of me in here. Anywhere. There's not any inscriptions from my classmates here. No "Have a great summer," "You were funny in math class." Nothing. It's like I never even went to this school.
Fox Mulder
Maybe you did but in a parallel universe.
Reggie
Exactly-- Knock that off.
[SIGHS]
Dana Scully
None of us remember our high school years with much accuracy.
Scene 16
Reggie's Story · The Lawn Dart
Reggie
Skulls, I wish this was about my own psychological issues. That way, the memorabilia shop owner would still be alive. When I went back to tell him about the conspiracy to manipulate memory... and to see if he had-- Do you guys remember the little candies... That were shaped like watermelon slices, but they taste like coconut? When I went back, they had silenced him.
[GASPS]
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
Reggie
They had impaled him with a lawn dart.
[PANTING]
Scene 17
Parking Garage
Dana Scully
I'm sorry, but what's a lawn dart?
Reggie
Oh, it’s this kid's game... where you would try to throw these mini-metallic javelins into the air... onto these rings that you put on a lawn.
Dana Scully
And they sold these to kids?
Fox Mulder
We were made of sterner stuff back then.
Dana Scully
Well, it just sounds like an accidental death to me.
Reggie
No! No, that's what they want you to believe!
Fox Mulder
Sounds like your ride'’s here.
Reggie
She thinks I'm just some kind of conspiracy nut.
Fox Mulder
Well, a conspiracy nut is right twice a day.
Reggie
No, that's a broken clock. Still applies because they want you to think all conspiracies are nutty... so you will ignore the ones that are true.
Fox Mulder
Reggie, take it from a fellow nut, okay? At some point, you're gonna have to explain who they are. You keep on referring to this omnipresent, mysterious they... to give intentionality to random events or external explanations for psychological ones. But there's no they there. Who is they?
Reggie
This guy. He is They.
Scene 18
The Dr. They Video
Narrator
This is a story of a man named They. Dr. Thaddeus Q. They, a neuroscientist who has discovered a way... to manipulate collective memory. Most people have never heard of him. Or rather they have... but he’s manipulated their memories to make them forget they have. While working on NASA's top secret Operation Soy Bomb... involving future, one-way space flights beyond our realm... Dr. They devised a technique to change specific memories... which would allow astronauts to complete their mission... without being weighed down by thoughts of life back on Earth.
Reggie
However, Dr. They was fired for also making the astronauts think they were chimpanzees.
Narrator
He perfected his research at U.S. University Hospital in Grenada... and now applies his method for a number of unknown, mysterious clients. His memory manipulations have run the gamut.
Reggie
From Holocaust denial to corporate product recognition... to making people forget he, himself, once starred as an irrepressible genie... in a movie called Ka-Blaam.
Narrator
Dr. They has not been heard of for many years... but rumors swirl that he was at the last presidential inauguration... where, amongst the hundreds of millions who attended... he was seen occupying the last remaining seat available. And as to his motivations for being there, and what exactly he is up to now... we have no way of knowing. Or perhaps we once did, but have since been made to forget.
Reggie
Oh.
Scene 19
Parking Garage · Grenada
Dana Scully
What the hell was that?
Fox Mulder
That video was... Unbelievable.
[SCOFFS]
Reggie
You wanna hear unbelievable, check out these comments. "I think the editing could have been tighter." This jerk just says, "Meh." When I stumbled across this, I tried to confirm as much of it as I could... but I was only able to verify the most important part, the Grenada thing.
Dana Scully
That was the most important part?
Reggie
Tell me, Little Miss Skeptic, why did we invade Grenada?
Dana Scully
Uh.... When was that again?
Fox Mulder
There was a Marxist overthrow of the government. Reagan was concerned about U.S. Students at a university hospital.
Reggie
Now you're just--
Fox Mulder
What?
Reggie
You're just embarrassing yourself at this point.
Fox Mulder
Those were the official reasons.
Reggie
But no one really remembers the reasons. Not even me, and I was there. I found this amongst my mom's stuff. I wrote it when I was in Grenada, when I was 18, to be read when I turned 50.
Fox Mulder
“To myself at age 50. Always remember...." And the rest of the letter's redacted.
Dana Scully
Who redacted it?
Reggie
I did when I wrote it. It was meant as a joke. That stuff was funny to me when I was a kid.
Fox Mulder
Okay, what does this prove?
Reggie
You're missing the most important part.
Fox Mulder
Oh. A Grenada UFO stamp.
Reggie
Yeah.
Dana Scully
What's that?
Reggie
Prime minister of Grenada... once advocated in front of the U.N. For the creation of a department of UFO research.
Fox Mulder
He issued these stamps to raise money for that. After he was deposed, he confessed a UFO had crashed off their coast... and a dead alien had been recovered from the waters.
Reggie
Correct. Except for one detail. The alien wasn't dead. I was a med student at that hospital. They brought in the semiconscious alien, and Dr. They was put in charge of saving it.
Scene 20
Reggie's Story · Grenada, 1983
Reggie
The alien had been sent to Earth to warn us about the holes in the ozone layer. One of his people would return in 35 years... to see if we had managed to avoid environmental catastrophe.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Reggie
I only caught glimpses of their conversation. The two of them talked alien telepathically.
Alien
I will telepathically transfer to you all our knowledge of what you call the brain.
Reggie
But that's when the invasion occurred, and the men from the government showed up.
Alien
Wait, what?
[ALIEN GASPING]
[ALIEN WHIMPERING]
Scene 21
Parking Garage
Reggie
I don't know if I repressed the memory or Dr. They erased my mind... but seeing that stamp, it all came flooding back to me.
Dana Scully
Now we're dealing with recovered memories?
Reggie
I'm sorry.
Dana Scully
I'm out.
Fox Mulder
Reggie, what you told us is theoretically possible... [WHISPERING] ...but more likely in another universe.
Reggie
The one thing I didn't forget was the telepathic screams of that alien.
Scene 22
Reggie's Story · The Alien
Alien
No, wait. What are you--? Hey! Oh!
Reggie
Oh! No! I wanted to know where the men from the government took him. That's when I dropped out of med school, joined the FBI. And that's how I started the X-Files. That's right. We used to be partners!
[PHONE RINGING]
Scene 23
Reggie's Memories · The X-Files
Fox Mulder
Mulder.
Reggie
Foxy.
Fox Mulder
Reggie, what's up?
Reggie
I got this really cool poster for the office, man. You're gonna flip over it.
[LAUGHS]
Fox Mulder
Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted.
Reggie
Move along, sugar boobs, this is the X-Files. No women allowed.
Dana Scully
That guy is so creepy.
Fox Mulder
And changes world history. And then Columbus never discovers America... man never lands on the moon... the U.S. Never invades Grenada....
Reggie
Wait, wait, wait. What's this about Grenada? Guys, If this turns out to be killer cats, I'm gonna be very disappointed.
Dana Scully
She's their mother.
Reggie
If she's their mother, how can she be their...?
[MAN SCREAMING]
Dana Scully
Oh, boy.
[DANA GASPS]
Reggie
Oh...! All those memories....
Scene 24
Parking Garage · The Henchmen
Reggie
You guys mean to tell me you don't remember any of that? Not even our last case together? This is the Mengele Effect in action. Dr. They is using it against us... because he knows we are the only team capable of stopping him.
Dana Scully
There is no Dr. They.
Reggie
Really? Well, tell that to his henchmen. He sent more of them.
Dana Scully
FBI.
Fox Mulder
FBI. What are you doing here?
Agent
You don't know? The legend that I've heard so much about... would've already figured out who this guy was that you've been talking to... and why we were asked to find out why you are. But I guess that's how things go. You start out a rebel, but then you get fat. And the next thing you know, you're deep state. Sad.
Fox Mulder
Do you know who I am? I'm Fox Mulder. I was fighting the power and breaking conspiracies... before you saw your first chemtrail, you punks. I'm Fox freaking Mulder, you punks!
Scene 25
The X-Files Office · Soy Bomb
Fox Mulder
I'm Fox Mulder! Fox Mulder! So this moron's father is about there.
Dana Scully
Reggie....
Fox Mulder
This guy.... Tsk. To Bob Dylan, whose '98 Grammy performance is remembered by millions... because a half-naked man with “soy bomb" written on his chest... jumped on stage and started dancing like a spaz. No official video of the incident exists. Did it happen? Seven years later, the band Eels releases a song "Whatever Happened to Soy Bomb." A coded message? Especially because the band's lead singer, the son of Hugh Everett III... who originated the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics-- I'm right back to parallel universes again. It's true, Scully, I've lost the plot. I can't find the hidden connections between things anymore. The world's become too crazy for even my conspiratorial powers.
Dana Scully
Maybe you've just lost your taste for it, especially after all this birther stuff.
Fox Mulder
Maybe. Maybe it's just realizing the absurdity of an evil doctor named They.
[PHONE RINGING]
Fox Mulder
Mulder. When? Where?
Dana Scully
Who was that?
Fox Mulder
Dr. They.
Scene 26
Statue Park · Dr. They
Fox Mulder
Dr. They, I presume?
Dr. They
Kids today don't even know what this means. Why should they? When's the last time someone admitted doing something they were ashamed of? Even if caught on tape doing it, they just say, "Well, that was taken out of context."
Fox Mulder
Yes. But why are you shaming me? Someone who's spent his life seeking the truth behind every great conspiracy... and you're only now finding out about me? Perhaps it just goes to show how good you are at hiding in the shadows.
Dr. They
Who's hiding? I'm in the phone book. But nobody knows what's a phone book anymore.
Fox Mulder
I have to admit, what little I know of you, I got from a rather dubious online video.
Dr. They
Oh. Did you like that? I made it. It's my new platform. Phony fake news. It's a presentation of real facts, but in a way that assures no one will believe any of it.
Fox Mulder
To what end?
Dr. They
The bitter end. Which is why, when I became aware that you were finally aware of me... I felt a professional courtesy to meet with you and to tell you this in person. You're dead. Oh, that came out wrong. Heh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I meant your time, Agent Mulder. Your time has passed.
Fox Mulder
Okay. So, what Is or what was my time?
Dr. They
Well, it's a time when people of power thought that they could keep their secrets secret... and were willing to do anything to keep it that way. Those days are passed. Gone. We're now living in a post-cover-up, post-conspiracy age. And no doubt, the kids will come up with some catchphrase for it. Po-Co or something. They'll say like, “Oh, that's so Po-Co." It'll make you wish you really were dead.
Fox Mulder
As long as the truth gets out.
Dr. They
Ha, ha. They don't really care whether the truth gets out. Because the public no longer knows what's meant by the truth.
Fox Mulder
What do you mean?
Dr. They
No one can tell the difference anymore... between what's real and what's fake.
Fox Mulder
There's still objective truth, objective reality.
Dr. They
So what? I mean, you take this Mandela Effect. Well, in the old days, I would never have come out and admitted to you... Yes, I can change people's collective memories. That would've meant I could control the past. And if that's true-- “He who controls the past controls the future."
Fox Mulder
It was George Orwell that said that.
Dr. They
Well, for now maybe. Anyway, the point is I can tell you all of this, right out in the open... because it doesn't matter who knows about it. They won't know whether to believe it or not.
Fox Mulder
To be honest, I'm not believing any of this.
Dr. They
Believe what you want to believe. That's what everybody does nowadays anyway. You're only proving my point, you twit. Heh. But, full disclosure, you're right. I can't control people's minds. Although, it turns out, you don't really have to. All you need is some people to think it's possible. And then you've sown the seeds of uncertainty. All you really need is a laptop.
Fox Mulder
So that's what this has all been about? The spread of online disinformation?
Dr. They
Maybe. You know, our current president once said something truly profound. He said, "Nobody knows for sure.”
Fox Mulder
What was he referring to?
Dr. They
What does it matter?
Scene 27
FBI Parking Garage · Reginald Murgatroid
Reggie
Mulder! Aah!
Fox Mulder
How the hell did you get in here?
Reggie
Foxy, what did you find out from They?
Fox Mulder
I'm not exactly sure what to think about any of it.
Reggie
Oh, God. What did They do to you? That's exactly what they want you to think about everything.
Fox Mulder
First thing, I need to find out who you are.
Dana Scully
His name is Reginald Murgatroid. Using your yearbook, I tracked down your high school transcripts. You only spent a few weeks there, you didn't graduate. But after completing your GED, you enlisted in the Army... and participated in the invasion of Grenada... where one of the resistance soldiers slash construction workers... hit you on the head with a shovel. You received medical assistance at the U.S. University hospital there. After your stint in the military, you engaged in a series of bureaucratic jobs...
Scene 28
Reggie's Career · The Cubicles
Dana Scully
...in various federal agencies. Starting with the U.S. Postal Service. Then the Internal Revenue Service. The Security and Exchange Commission. The Department of Justice, specifically the Witness Protection Agency. Anthony "The Meat Grinder" Mortillaro... one-time hit man for the mob, you are now Tony Jones, real estate agent. But after 9/11, you joined the CIA.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Woman
Hey.
Dana Scully
Then onto the Pentagon with the Department of Defense.
Reggie
Boom, goes the dynamite. Wait. Is that a wedding cake? Damn it! Not again. Argh. Oh, well, time for lunch.
Dana Scully
But your longest stint was at the NSA, The National Security Agency.
NSA Colleague
So you voted for him? Yeah. He's gonna drain the swamp.
Voice on Phone
Get all those Goldman Sachs people out of the White House--
Fox Mulder
Did I tell you about the time I found a Sasquatch footprint in the mud?
Dana Scully
Yeah, you did, I've heard this before.
Fox Mulder
It was 35 years ago about... on the banks of Mogoagogo River.
Reggie
On the banks of Mogoagogo River.
Scene 29
FBI Parking Garage · Goodbye
Dana Scully
Until about a year ago when you were committed to a mental institution... because you'd had a nervous breakdown.
Reggie
Wait, what?
Fox Mulder
Or perhaps it's merely the culmination of disillusionment of a man who... wanted to spend his life in service of the country that he loved... but began to feel tormented by the idea that he was betraying its very ideals.
Dana Scully
And so using information, apparently gathered through illegal warrantless wiretaps... you escaped into a fantasy where you imagined you joined a team... That still did what America was meant to do, fight for truth and justice.
Reggie
Or I'm from a parallel universe... and I jumped dimensions-- No, that's stupid. Right? Sorry.
Fox Mulder
Mm-hm.
Reggie
Well, looks like my ride is here. Hey, guys. You remember what I said last time, if you wanted me to come along peacefully?
Henchman
Mr. Murgatroid, it demeans all of us.
Reggie
No. No, it gives a touch of classicism.
Henchman
Mm.
Reggie
So you remember how "crazy people" used to be portrayed... as thinking they were Napoleon? Heh. When did that stop? Maybe it's another Mengele Effect. Right? Well, uh, take care, guys.
Dana Scully
Stay sane.
Reggie
And, um, good luck with the rest of your cases.
Fox Mulder
Reggie. Our last case together, what happened?
Reggie
We found the truth that's out there.
Scene 30
Reggie's Last Case · The Drive
Reggie
I'd suddenly recalled the alien at Grenada's declaration... that one of his kind would return to Earth 35 years later. Foxy's crazy intuition of the uncanny led him to figure out the location of the visitation. Scully drove.
Fox Mulder
There it is!
Scene 31
Reggie's Last Case · The Alien Returns
Fox Mulder
Is that what I think it is?
Reggie
It's the gold record.
Dana Scully
Yup.
Reggie
It's the Voyager, what's left of It.
Alien
Greetings, Earthlings. I come before you as a representative... of the Intergalactic Union of Sentient Beings from All Known Universes and Beyond. We have been observing your species for many, what you call, "years." Our study is now complete. We no longer wish to have any further contact with you. We have returned your music sampler but will no longer tolerate... any further efforts on your part to venture beyond your realm. We are building a wall. It will be a beautiful, albeit invisible, electromagnetic wall... that will subatomically incinerate any probes you attempt to send... beyond your solar system. You are free to explore Uranus all you want. But we can't allow your kind to infiltrate the rest of the cosmos. You're not sending us your best people. You're bringing drugs, you're bringing crime. You're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people... but we have no choice. Believe me. For although the rest of the galaxies all have their share of these same problems... we fear you could infect us with the one trait that is unique to Earthlings. You lie. To show there are no hard feelings, we've compiled a compendium of answers... to any questions you might still have regarding anything. Good luck and good riddance. Bing bing bong bong bing.
Reggie
So that's the truth?
Fox Mulder
We're not alone in the universe... but nobody likes us?
Dana Scully
It's okay, Mulder. There'll always be more X-Files.
Fox Mulder
No. They gave us all the answers to everything.
Dana Scully
Even Sasquatch.
Fox Mulder
No! It's not true! It can't be!
Reggie
It's time to face the facts, guys.
Fox Mulder
This is the end of the X-files.
Reggie
But maybe the point wasn't to find the truth, but to find each other. For no matter where we go in our lives... we will always have the memories of our time together. No one can take those away or alter them to make us doubt that they actually happened.
Fox Mulder
Oh, Reggie.
Reggie
I've always....
Fox Mulder
Shh.
[WHISPERS]
Fox Mulder
I know. I know.
[FOX WHIMPERING]
Scene 32
FBI Parking Garage
Reggie
And as we now know, they lived happily ever after.
Fox Mulder
We'll be sure to come visit you, Reggie.
Reggie
Heh. No, you won't.
Walter Skinner
Where the hell are they taking Reggie?
Scene 33
Mulder's House · The Dusky Realm
Martin
Wait, what?
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Fox Mulder
Ha-ha-ha.
Dana Scully
I see you found your lost episode.
Fox Mulder
Turns out it wasn't a Twilight Zone. It was a knockoff show called The Dusky Realm. Which is now lost for the ages.
Dana Scully
Couldn't find anything to set it in, so I used your Bigfoot impression as a mold.
[DANA SIGHS]
Fox Mulder
Oh, no, wait, you first. It could be the lemon-lime.
[SIGHS]
Fox Mulder
I want to remember how it was. I want to remember how it all was.
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official Blu-ray subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.