Stoner Girl
Don't, don't, don't. (LAUGHS) Don't do that, don't do it! Don't do that, you tickle me.
Season 10 · Episode 3
Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster
Character-labelled dialogue prepared from the official Blu-ray subtitle track.
Production code1AYW03Original airdate · February 1, 2016
342 dialogue entries
Scene 01
Shawan, Oregon · The Woods
(WOLF HOWLS)
(BOTH INHALING AND EXHALING)
Stoner Guy
You made the spray paint come out of my nose. What, do I have paint on my face?
Stoner Girl
Dude, look at the moon!
Stoner Guy
Oh, whoa...
Stoner Girl
What?
Stoner Guy
When you see a moon like that, do you ever think life is so amazing and maybe we shouldn't waste it by just getting high all the time?
Stoner Girl
No.
Stoner Guy
I think about how I wish I were a werewolf.
Stoner Girl
What would you do if you were a werewolf?
Stoner Guy
Get high all the time.
(MAN GRUNTING)
Stoner Girl
What's that? (MAN YELLING)
Stoner Guy
Where'd that come from?
(SCREAMING) (GROWLING)
(SNARLING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Stoner Guy
Did that just happen? (MAN GROANING) Oh!
Stoner Girl
Hey. Hey, hey.
Stoner Guy
Whoa, whoa. Dude. Dude, are you okay?
Pasha
Yeah, I think so.
Stoner Girl
Dude, are you okay?
Stoner Guy
Dude, he just said that he was.
Stoner Girl
No, not this dude. This dude.
Stoner Guy
Whoa, dude. I don't think that that dude's okay.
Scene 02
FBI Headquarters · The X-Files Office
Dana Scully
Mulder, what are you doing to my poster?
Fox Mulder
Scully, since we've been away, much of the unexplained has been explained.
Dana Scully
The "Death Valley Racetrack"?
Fox Mulder
Turns out it was just ice formations, moving the rocks around as it melted.
Dana Scully
Yeah, ice.
Fox Mulder
Humility prevents me from recounting how I once thought it had something to do with a series of mysterious sightings of a rock-like creature in Colorado, which turned out to be just a publicity stunt by a local landscaping business. It's amazing, going through these archives with fresh, if not wiser, eyes, how many of these cases, whether it's "The Amarillo Armadillo Man" or "The Hairy Whatzit of Walla Walla," can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes or people making stuff up simply because they're bored and/or crazy. And if that doesn't explain it, well, then it was probably just ice.
Dana Scully
Mulder, have you been taking your meds?
Fox Mulder
Scully, Charles Fort spent his entire life researching natural and scientific anomalies, which he published in four books, all of which I know by heart. And at the end of his life, Fort himself wondered if it hadn't all been a waste. I get it. I'm a middle-aged man, Scully... No, I am, I am. I'm thinking maybe it's time to put away childish things, the Sasquatches and mothmen and jackalopes. I thought it'd be great to get back to work. But is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days?
Dana Scully
Chasing after monsters? We've been given another case, Mulder. It has a monster in it.
Scene 03
Oregon · The Wilderness
Dana Scully
One witness claimed that the creature had three eyes and the other one, one.
Fox Mulder
Notice they didn't get a picture of It, which is odd, because everybody always has a camera on them these days.
Dana Scully
You want to talk to these witnesses while we're here?
Fox Mulder
Oh...
Dana Scully
Anyway, this is the area where they say they saw the creature attacking the animal control officer, even though he claims to not have seen whatever it was that was attacking him.
Fox Mulder
Of course not. Mountain lions always attack from behind.
Dana Scully
He was out here responding to a call about a mountain lion.
Fox Mulder
It was a mountain lion. That's what killed the other victim, too.
Dana Scully
Well, that is what the local authorities thought, until they did a search the next morning
Scene 04
The Lair
Dana Scully
And they found this area over here, where they found three more victims.
Fox Mulder
Hmm. Gray wolves, Scully. They've made a comeback in this region. Wolves take their prey back to a lair.
Dana Scully
Well, they were all mutilated in exactly the same manner. However, the third victim wasn't wearing any clothes.
Fox Mulder
Maybe he was a nudist. Took a midnight hike in the nude, got attacked by a wolf or a lion or a bear.
Dana Scully
Maybe all at the same time.
Fox Mulder
That's how I'd like to go out.
Dana Scully
The uniqueness of the wounds, Mulder, implies a human element.
Fox Mulder
Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen ‘em all.
Dana Scully
Mulder, I can see that you're going through a questioning phase of some sort, but people have been killed here. And if we can help stop that and save some lives, I think that is a unquestionably worthwhile thing for us to do, regardless of whether the thing we find IS animal or human or otherwise.
Fox Mulder
Okay. When you put it that way. But mark my words, Scully, when we catch whatever is doing these killings, it's only going to have two eyes.
Scene 05
Truck Stop · Night
Annabelle
You want to party? Oh, come on, there's a full moon out. Let's get freaky, baby. Two for the price of one. Or a solo... Nah. You cheap bastards.
(CREATURE GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Fox Mulder
Looks like you gave it a pretty good shot.
Scene 06
Truck Stop Diner
Annabelle
I think I hit it right in its horn.
Fox Mulder
Hmm. It had a horn? Like a unicorn?
Annabelle
It had horns. At the back of its head, like a lizard or something.
Fox Mulder
Did it look anything like this?
Annabelle
No. The thing I saw only had two eyes. And it was wearing underwear.
Fox Mulder
Boxers or briefs?
Annabelle
Tighty-whities. Same kind I used to wear. I transitioned last year.
Fox Mulder
Did you see which way it headed?
Annabelle
I told the officers it slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack.
Fox Mulder
Are you?
Annabelle
Yeah. Hey...
(TRYING TO WHISTLE)
Scene 07
Truck Stop · Behind the Diner
Fox Mulder
Any sign of anything?
Pasha
Don't! Sneak up on a guy like that.
Fox Mulder
Sorry. Hey, aren't you the officer who was attacked the other night?
Pasha
That was me.
Fox Mulder
So do you have any idea what kind of animal this woman might have seen this evening?
Pasha
I got a call earlier about a stray puppy running around. I'm... I'm sort of hoping it's just that, ‘Cause I can handle cats and dogs. Anything bigger than that, and I really start to question my...
Fox Mulder
Career decisions?
Pasha
No, my life.
(GROWLING)
Dana Scully
What are you doing? Mulder...
Fox Mulder
If this thing looks like what people say it looks like, I'm gonna get a good picture of it.
Dana Scully
If this thing looks like those drawings, I'm emptying my clip into it. Even if itis in its underwear. Mulder...
Fox Mulder
It's this new camera app. I'm not sure if it's working right.
Dana Scully
What is that?
(GASPS)
Dana Scully
It's a fresh kill.
(SNARLING)
(CLICKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Scene 08
Truck Stop · Trailer Alley
Pasha
I heard a noise over there, so I ran over here! What is up with your phone?
Fox Mulder
I don't know, it's this new app. I don't know if it's working right.
Pasha
Are you taking picture or video?
Fox Mulder
I don't know.
Pasha
Well, go to "settings."
Fox Mulder
Where?
Pasha
Go to the settings.
(GROWLING) (BOTH SCREAMING)
Dana Scully
Mulder! Mulder! (GROANS)
Fox Mulder
No, I'm okay.
Dana Scully
You've got blood on you.
Fox Mulder
I don't think it's mine.
(GROANS)
Pasha
Okay, that's it. I quit.
Dana Scully
Did you get a good look at it?
Fox Mulder
I got a picture.
(GROWLING)
Fox Mulder
Oh! Sorry.
Scene 09
Truck Stop · Porta Potti
Guy Mann
A bit of privacy, please.
Scene 10
The Motel · Scully's Room
Fox Mulder
Have you seen a... That's its ear. Or maybe it's a foot.
Dana Scully
Mulder...
Fox Mulder
This one, if you squint, looks like something. (SIGHS) And then this... That's in focus!
Dana Scully
But what is it?
Fox Mulder
It's a close-up. Of the creature. Now, mind you, I didn't say “monster.”
Dana Scully
And it wasn't a Sasquatch.
Fox Mulder
But it was definitely an animal, man-sized and hairless.
Dana Scully
Maybe it was a mangy Sasquatch.
Fox Mulder
Hey. You're overlooking the video. Look.
(SCREAMING)
Dana Scully
Mulder, you've got the lens pointed the wrong way.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, it's the new camera app. But look. It shot blood at me. From out its eyeball, Scully, I think. It was hard for me to see, because I had blood in my eyes.
Dana Scully
I haven't done the blood analysis yet, but it's probably residue from the prior attack on this victim. And animals don't shoot blood out of their eyeballs.
Fox Mulder
Oh, no? Well, tell that to the horned lizard. Which shoots blood out its eyeball, Scully. Yes, it's a defense mechanism. Scientific fact!
Dana Scully
Mulder, the Internet IS not good for you.
Fox Mulder
Doesn't this bear a resemblance to what witnesses claim they saw?
Dana Scully
What, so now you're saying that you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?
Fox Mulder
Whoa! Let's just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences, shall we?
Dana Scully
My initial exam of the bite marks on this wound would suggest that they were made by a human being.
Fox Mulder
So we're looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth. Sounds a bit silly, doesn't It?
Dana Scully
Yeah.
Fox Mulder
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you, Scully?
Dana Scully
Yeah. I am.
Fox Mulder
I forgot how much fun these cases could be.
Dana Scully
It's been a long day, Mulder. Why don't you go back to the hotel and get some sleep? And try not to dream about monsters.
(MAN SCREAMS)
Scene 11
The Motel · Night
Motel Manager
Monster! Help me! It's a monster!
(MAN SOBBING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Scene 12
The Motel · Manager's Office
Fox Mulder
Everything okay in here?
Motel Manager
Yeah. I apologize for the disturbance. Just an argument with an unruly guest. Now, please, go back to your room.
Fox Mulder
I heard someone yell, "Monster!"
Motel Manager
That's what he had the nerve to call me, just because I asked him to pay his overdue bill. Does that make me some kind of a monster?
Fox Mulder
Of course not.
Motel Manager
Exactly. Now, please go away or I'll kill you.
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
(CREAKING)
Fox Mulder
Oh. Hello again. Just looking for the ice machine. Hey.
Motel Manager
(STAMMERS) What the hell were you... That's private back there. You're not supposed to be...
Fox Mulder
Oh...
Motel Manager
That's a security feature. I had it put in after 9/11.
Fox Mulder
I'm not gonna report you. When one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a Peeping Tom. But I do harbor suspicions that you saw something in that trashed room that greatly disturbed you. You mind telling me what that was?
Motel Manager
Youre... You're not gonna believe it.
Fox Mulder
Try me.
Motel Manager
Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, nice and tidy. (CHUCKLES)
Scene 13
The Manager's Story · The Crawl Space
Guy Mann
Every day it's the same thing! Why? Look at you! I can't go on like this! I'm going insane having to look at you every day! Enough!
Motel Manager
That's going on his bill.
Guy Mann
And you! You bastard.
(ALARM RINGING)
Guy Mann
You are not waking me up again tomorrow. Do you understand? I'm sick of It!
Motel Manager
An...
Guy Mann
It's happening again. Please! Let this be the last time.
(WHIMPERS)
Motel Manager
Huh?
(WHIMPERS)
(GASPS)
(MANAGER WHIMPERING)
(ROARS)
(MANAGER MUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
Motel Manager
Monster! Help me! It's a... Monster.
Scene 14
The Motel · Manager's Office
Fox Mulder
Is this the creature that you saw? But with two eyes?
Motel Manager
Yeah. That's exactly it.
Fox Mulder
And is this the man?
Motel Manager
Oh! That's what I've been trying to tell you. They're one and the same.
Scene 15
The Motel · Scully's Room
Fox Mulder
It's a monster, Scully, plain and simple. And not just your everyday, run-of-the-mill monster, but we're talking transformation here. Man into monster and back again. To which I know you're going to Say, “But, Mulder, that only happens in werewolf myths “That were Originally concocted to explain away “The violent behavior of people “Who'd been bitten by rabid animals, “Before the medical discovery of rabies." But is it so outlandish to believe that some legends are based on actual occurrences and not just ignorance? To which I know what you're going to say, Scully. You're going to Say, “But, Mulder, "It defies every known law of science and nature.” Exactly, Scully. Every known law. What if this creature that we've stumbled upon is here to create a whole new paradigm for our understanding of life itself? Or maybe science was used to create this unnatural being. Maybe this is some GMO experiment run amok by some military-agro-big-pharma corporation. Maybe this guy is its chief geneticist, who recklessly experimented on himself and now transforms into a fiend who needs to feast on human flesh. To which I know you're going to Say, “But, Mulder, that sounds like the paranoid ravings “Of some lunatic madman." I don't know what this thing is, Scully, and I don't know exactly how it came to be, I just... All I'm saying Is, it's a monster.
Dana Scully
Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.
Fox Mulder
SO you're agreeing with me?
Dana Scully
No! You're bat-crap crazy!
Fox Mulder
But what about the facts?
Dana Scully
What facts?
Fox Mulder
This guy, who the manager just saw turn into a monster, was wearing the clothes of one of our victims, which we did not notice at the time, because we thought we were looking for an animal.
Dana Scully
Turns out we were only half right. Yeah, okay. Well, we need to talk to this guy.
Fox Mulder
Well, I doubt he's coming back to his room. I did retrieve some personal items from it, though, that might help us track him down.
Dana Scully
Well, that sounds like a good investigative plan.
Fox Mulder
The first thing we need to do, though, (WHISPERS) check out of this motel.
Scene 16
Dr. Rumanovitch's Office
Dr. Rumanovitch
Once upon atime, there was a village that was being tormented by a man-eating lizard-dragon. The local constable did everything to try to kill this creature, but nothing could stop it. So, finally, he visits a Gypsy, who tells him the only way to kill this monster is to stab it in its appendix with a lance made of green glass. Why the green glass? And why the appendix? Who the hell knows? In these old fairy tales, the monster must always be destroyed by some form of penetration. A silver bullet, a wooden stake... Obviously, our ancestors were as obsessed with impotency as we are, eh? So, he fashions a lance of green glass and stabs the monster in its appendix. But as the monster is dying, the constable realizes he's been looking in the mirror. He was the monster all along, you see?
Fox Mulder
The moral being?
Dr. Rumanovitch
It's easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that the real monsters dwell within us here and sometimes here. Maybe sometimes here, right? (LAUGHS)
Fox Mulder
Not everything can be reduced to psychology.
Dr. Rumanovitch
That's what you think. At any rate, I was reminded of this tale because of your suspect's delusion that when the moon appears, he would turn into a werewolf.
Fox Mulder
Werewolf?
Dr. Rumanovitch
I'm sorry. I meant 'were-lizard.” The werewolf was my patient on Monday. At any event, I prescribed for him this antipsychotic, but I doubt it did him much good.
Fox Mulder
Why not?
Dr. Rumanovitch
He seemed pretty crazy.
Fox Mulder
Your, uh, records don't provide much information, and I'm assuming that “Guy Mann" is not a real name. Do you have any idea of how I might find him?
Dr. Rumanovitch
I recommended, the next time he felt an episode coming on, that he go for a quiet stroll in the local cemetery. A reminder that no matter how overwhelming Our anxieties might be, they will soon be resolved when we are dead and buried for all eternity.
Fox Mulder
Do you really think that's sound therapeutic advice?
Dr. Rumanovitch
It's what I do.
Fox Mulder
Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Rumanovitch
Uh, a moment. A prescription for yourself.
Fox Mulder
For me? Why me?
Dr. Rumanovitch
Perhaps I've read you wrong, Mr. Mulder, but I wonder, who is in more need of an antipsychotic, a man who believes himself to be a were-lizard ora man who believes that man, hmm?
Fox Mulder
Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
Scene 17
The Phone Store · Outside
Dana Scully
Mulder, it's me. I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm about to say, but I think I just found your horny toad lizard man.
Fox Mulder
Really?
Dana Scully
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Fox Mulder
Where are you?
Dana Scully
At the phone store by the motel. I think he works here.
Fox Mulder
I'll be right there.
Dana Scully
But, Mulder, I just got an e-mail with the lab results, the blood tests from yesterday, and there are some discrepancies. Mulder?
(SIGHS)
(BELL TINKLES)
Scene 18
Smart Phones Is Us
Guy Mann
Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?
Dana Scully
I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.
Scene 19
Smart Phones Is Us · Aftermath
Fox Mulder
What the hell happened?
Dana Scully
I don't know. I came in and I asked him if I could ask him some questions, and he suddenly yelled, “I quit,” and he went on a rampage. He fled out the back through the stockroom.
Fox Mulder
What are you doing? You know it's not safe to approach a dangerous suspect without backup. Which way did he go?
Dana Scully
He went that way, down the back alley. But, Mulder, I got the results back from the lab, and...
(SIGHS)
(CROW CAWS)
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS TWITTERING)
Scene 20
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
(MOUTHING) No. Did you lose somebody recently?
Guy Mann
Yeah. Myself. I know this sounds weird, but until a few days ago, I didn't know we die. I mean, I always knew we could die, I instinctively knew to avoid death, but what I didn't know is, no matter what we do, eventually you end up in a place like this. It doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense, does it?
Fox Mulder
It doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense. I don't mean to intrude, but you seem to have something weighing heavily on you. It might help to get it off your chest.
Guy Mann
You mean to confess?
Fox Mulder
If you have something to confess.
Guy Mann
Well, I confess that, if life is nonsense, I just want this madness to end.
Fox Mulder
But you're not thinking of doing anything crazy, are you?
Guy Mann
No. I'm just gonna kill you. You ready? No, not the gun, you fool!
(GRUNTS)
Guy Mann
You okay? Huh? ~ Oh! Oh, no! I've lost my weapon!
Fox Mulder
Here.
(GRUNTING)
Guy Mann
Come on, defend yourself! I know what you're trying to do.
Fox Mulder
The green glass, the appendix. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna kill you. I want to help you.
Guy Mann
The only way you can help me, mister, is by killing me. Please. Just put me out of my misery.
Fox Mulder
Okay. I'll do it. I'll kill you.
Guy Mann
Thanks, mister. You're, like, the only nice person I've ever met!
Fox Mulder
But first, I want to hear how this happened to you.
(SIGHS)
Fox Mulder
The whole story.
Guy Mann
Okay. But you're gonna need this. It's a shocker.
(OWL HOOTING)
(TWIG SNAPS)
Scene 21
Guy's Story · The Woods
Guy Mann
Stop! No! (GROANING)
(YELLING)
(MAN GROANS)
(ROARS)
(GROANING)
(WHIMPERING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)
Scene 22
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
Wait. I'm confused already. You said you were going to start at the beginning.
Guy Mann
I am. That's how the whole thing started. I should have stayed still, but I panicked. I tried to scare off that predator. Of course, that only made him more rabid. I didn't even get a chance to shoot blood out of my eyeballs.
Fox Mulder
SO you're saying a man bit you? That looks like a hickey.
Guy Mann
Well, it looks different when I'm normal.
Fox Mulder
Is this what you look like when you're "normal’?
Guy Mann
(SCOFFS) What?
Fox Mulder
Three eyes?
Guy Mann
But yeah, that's actually quite close.
Fox Mulder
(STUTTERS) So... When did you first transform?
Guy Mann
Oh, that didn't happen till the next morning.
Scene 23
Guy's Story · The Lair
Guy Mann
My transformation wasn't just physical but mental. I heard a voice in my head. My voice. I became conscious of my own self-consciousness, and then I had my very first thought, "I'm naked!" I became overcome by some irrational need to cover up. For some unknown reason, there was a bunch of dead bodies lying around. Now, I had never worn clothes before, but through some primordial instinct, I... I knew how to put them on. Once clothed, I became possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a...
Scene 24
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
A human victim?
Guy Mann
No, a job.
Fox Mulder
Uh...
Guy Mann
My craze wouldn't be satiated until I found steady work. So I walked straight into town, and rather tragically I... I found something right away.
Scene 25
Guy's Story · Smart Phones Is Us
Guy Mann
Now, this model comes with 3,000 gigabertz of pixelbitz... It’s perfect for me. I have no idea what I'm saying, and neither do my customers. You can see from the shape of it that it's quite rectangular... By the end of the day, I was the manager.
Scene 26
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
Putting aside the logistics of no Social Security number, no references...
Guy Mann
I don't need any of that stuff. You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals, the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it's better than camouflage!
Fox Mulder
You wouldn't happen to be BSing me right now about all this, would you?
Guy Mann
I don't know. Maybe. I don't understand half the things I'm telling you. I find that disconcerting. What's even more disturbing is what I did after work that first day. I was so exhausted, out of my mind, I... I committed a murder.
Fox Mulder
Who did you kill?
Guy Mann
A cow.
Scene 27
Guy's Story · The Drive-Thru
Guy Mann
I'd like a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
Drive-Thru Speaker
Sir, if you're not in a Car, you have to come inside to order.
Guy Mann
Why?
Scene 28
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
In your natural state, you're a vegetarian?
Guy Mann
No, an insectivore. But no one likes insects, not even other insects. Anyway, I took my kill, checked into a motel, and then I just spent the rest of the day helplessly watching porn.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (WOMAN MOANING)
(SLURPING)
(SIGHS)
Guy Mann
But then, sometime during the night, a change occurred.
(TV TURNS OFF)
Scene 29
Guy's Story · The Motel Room
Guy Mann
Yeah, all right!
(CHUCKLES)
Guy Mann
Come on. (LAUGHS) Yeah! I'm back, baby!
(WHOOPING)
Guy Mann
I was myself again. And everything was fine until the next morning.
(ALARM RINGING)
(GRUNTS) (ALARM STOPS RINGING)
(PANTING)
(GROANING)
(YAWNS)
Guy Mann
Coffee. Need coffee. Alas, I was human again.
(SPITS)
Guy Mann
I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job.
Scene 30
Guy's Story · Back at Work
Guy Mann
Oh, that's it. I quit!
(GRUNTS)
Guy Mann
But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills? Without a job, I'd never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already, I was terrified I wasn't saving enough for my retirement.
Scene 31
The Cemetery
Guy Mann
And what else was I supposed to do? If I haven't written my novel by now, I'm never going to write it, you know? I just couldn't go on. So I visited a witch doctor. Psychiatrist. Ah. But the medicine he gave me didn't cure me, it just clouded my thoughts. And as a result, I did something insane.
Fox Mulder
You attacked and killed someone?
Guy Mann
No, I got a puppy! I named him Daggoo.
Scene 32
Guy's Story · Daggoo
Guy Mann
Daggoo! Daggoo! Daggoo. And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human... Daggoo! ...was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans. We played all through the night. But the next day, when I came home from work... Daggoo, I'm home! Daggoo? Daggoo! Well, I guess the maid must have accidentally let him out. Daggoo! Daggoo! I searched everywhere. All night long.
Scene 33
The Cemetery
Guy Mann
But it was hopeless. Daggoo! Because life's hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness, Surrounded by crushing loss and grief. Daggoo! Daggoo... Why bother?
(SOBBING)
Guy Mann
Just when I'd given up the search, I saw him. Daggoo? No. No, the man who had bit me and turned me into a human. Just catching sight of that son of a bitch made me even more human, because I was filled with the one thing that only humans can understand, revenge. I got up, and I stalked after him. I just wanted to...
Fox Mulder
Strangle him and eat his flesh?
Guy Mann
Yes!
Fox Mulder
Now we're getting somewhere.
Guy Mann
But just as I was about to do that, saw him do the same thing to someone else.
(MAN GROANING)
Scene 34
Guy's Story · The Truck Stop
Guy Mann
I'd never seen such pointless brutality. I was so transfixed by the horror that I didn't notice the moon had come out. But having caught a glimpse of what human nature was capable of, I wanted no more part of It. I decided to shed my clothes and return to the wild!
(SCREAMING)
Scene 35
The Cemetery
Guy Mann
Man, she hit like a man.
Fox Mulder
That's because she used to be... She once... She's transgender.
Guy Mann
What? You can't transform into a different sex! That's nuts!
Fox Mulder
It's not nuts. It's actually a very common medical procedure. You don't need the surgery, technically...
Guy Mann
Maybe that's what I could do! It's a cure!
Fox Mulder
No.
Guy Mann
Well, I've got to stop transforming. I'll do the surgery.
Fox Mulder
Completely different.
Guy Mann
I don't care how much it costs. I'll do it.
Fox Mulder
They cut off your genitals.
Guy Mann
Nah, I'll leave it. That's a step too far, isn't it?
Fox Mulder
Yeah. Okay.
Guy Mann
Well, anyway, I think she gave me a concussion. Rest of the night's pretty foggy. Some people chased me around a truck, and a man took a picture of me in the Porta Potti.
Fox Mulder
That was me, actually.
Guy Mann
I thought I recognized you!
Fox Mulder
But wait, how could you have changed back into a man?
Guy Mann
It wasn't morning yet. I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist.
Fox Mulder
I'm just looking for some kind of internal logic.
Guy Mann
Why? There isn't an external logic to any of it. I mean, I went back to the motel, and a jackalope head on the wall started screaming at me. Explain that. And I'm creeped out by jackalopes, ever since a friend of mine got gored by one.
Fox Mulder
Jackalopes aren't real. They were a hoax perpetrated by a Wyoming taxidermist in 1932. They don't exist.
Guy Mann
Well, I'd like to see you explain that to my dead friend George! Anyway, I fled the motel, turned into a human again the next morning and went into work.
(DOOR OPENS) (BELL TINKLES)
Scene 36
Guy's Story · Smart Phones Is Us
Guy Mann
Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?
Dana Scully
I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions. Mmm-hmm. I think maybe my phone isn't working right, ‘Cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on It. I think maybe I'd like to take a picture of yours. Come on. I want to make you say ‘cheese."
(MOANING)
Dana Scully
You're an animal! An animal!
Guy Mann
This feels good!
Dana Scully
Oh! Don't stop! Don't... Stop.
Scene 37
The Cemetery
Fox Mulder
That did not happen.
Guy Mann
I know it's hard to believe, but apparently I'm terrific in the sack.
Fox Mulder
You made that up.
Guy Mann
Oh. All right, you got me. Ever since I became a human, I can't help but lie about my Sex life. But that's the only untruthful bit in the whole story. So, please, will you kill me now? You don't believe me, do you?
Fox Mulder
I thought I was going to believe you, but it's all... It's just too fantastic.
Guy Mann
It's not fantastic. It's tragic!
Fox Mulder
No, I mean It's just silly.
Guy Mann
That's my life you're talking about.
Fox Mulder
It's my life, too. You and me, we're the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren't real, or even possible.
Guy Mann
“There are more things in Heaven and Earth, “Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Fox Mulder
I know that.
Guy Mann
Ah. But did you know the First Folio version reads “Than are dreamt of In our philosophy?"
Fox Mulder
So Hamlet is not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, he's calling us all ignorant idiots? It's a comforting thought, isn't it?
Guy Mann
Because if there's nothing more to life than what we already know, then there's nothing but worries, self-doubt, regret and loneliness.
(SIGHS)
Guy Mann
Fox, man, you've got to put me out of my misery! I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work! What the hell's this? You're the fuzz?
Fox Mulder
I'm in town investigating the murders.
Guy Mann
And you think I'd do something like that? What kind of a monster do you think I am? You didn't want to help me. You just wanted to arrest me for something I didn't do. Who takes advantage of someone like that? A human, that's who. Human rat fink! I'm not delusional. I know what I am. I'm no monster. You're the monster! J'accuse, Monsieur Mulder! Run for your lives! There's a monster! Run! Monster! Monster!
(SIGHS)
(THE X-FILES THEME MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING)
Scene 38
The Cemetery · Scully Calls
Fox Mulder
Hey, Scully.
Dana Scully
Hey, Mulder, where have you been?
Fox Mulder
I fell off the wagon, Scully. I got a little taste of my old monster-hunting ways, and then I downed the whole bottle.
Dana Scully
I take it you found your were-lizard.
Fox Mulder
Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a man who turns into a lizard, it was a lizard who turns into a man.
Dana Scully
I don't see the difference.
Fox Mulder
That's the point, Scully, there is no difference. Both scenarios are equally foolish. And I was foolish to believe... Well, maybe I was just a fool, Scully. Maybe I always have been. Where are you?
Dana Scully
I'm at the animal shelter. I'm waiting to see that animal control officer.
Fox Mulder
So, he didn't quit after all, huh?
Dana Scully
No, I guess maybe he's like us. Some jobs keep pulling you back. Ow! (CHUCKLES)
Fox Mulder
What was that? What happened?
Dana Scully
This little puppy here just tried to take a bite out of me.
Fox Mulder
"A bite"?
Dana Scully
He’s a cute little guy, though.
Fox Mulder
Kind of reminds me of Queequeg.
Dana Scully
You know, there was a recent comparative cognition study that showed that dogs hold hostilities toward people that harm their masters? I guess maybe I miss having a dog to love and someone to hold my grudges for me.
(DOG BARKING)
Fox Mulder
(CRASHING) Scully? This is Agent Mulder with the FBI. I need emergency backup to the animal control shelter. And where the hell is the animal control shelter? Scully!
(DOG BARKING) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Scene 39
Animal Control Shelter
Dana Scully
Hey. You missed all the fun.
Fox Mulder
Are you okay?
Dana Scully
Yeah, but I hate to disappoint you. It wasn't some monster running around killing people and eating their flesh. It was a normal human being.
Fox Mulder
Did you know it was him before coming here?
Dana Scully
Yeah. That one autopsy result showed that the actual cause of death was strangulation. And so, on a hunch, I analyzed the pole that he left behind, and there was tissue and blood from previous victims.
Pasha
It all started when I was a child. This uncontrollable urge to torture small animals. As I got older, my compulsion didn't vanish...
Dana Scully
Okay, all right. Leave it for the trial. You're right, Mulder. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all.
Pasha
But I have a whole speech prepared that I...
Officer
Come on.
Fox Mulder
Scully, that is the second time you've approached a dangerous suspect without backup. What's going on?
Dana Scully
Thought maybe you'd want some more quality time with your lizard man. And besides, you forget. I'm immortal. Oh, Mulder, how did you figure out it was him?
Fox Mulder
Oh, I was going over those photos I took, and I realized one was of a bite mark. So, if Guy's story were true, it means he must have been bitten by...
Dana Scully
"If Guy's story were true’?
(BARKS)
Dana Scully
Hey, buddy. You want to come home with me?
Scene 40
The Wilderness · Night
Fox Mulder
Guy! Hey, Guy. We caught the killer.
Guy Mann
So?
Fox Mulder
So, for a while there, I thought maybe it was you.
Guy Mann
Well, thanks, I guess.
Fox Mulder
It means that I know now you were telling the truth.
Guy Mann
Sounds like you're still unsure.
Fox Mulder
Well, you have to admit, it's... It's a little absurd.
Guy Mann
(SCOFFS) A little bit absurd? It's a lot absurd. I mean, look at this thing. Whose genius idea was it to tie a piece of cloth around your neck? It's waiting to strangle you. Do you want a hat?
Fox Mulder
No. What are you doing?
Guy Mann
This is the time for my kind to go into hibernation. I'm hoping I won't turn into a human again during it, and maybe when I wake up again, I would have slept off this whole transformation thing.
Fox Mulder
I didn't know that reptiles hibernated.
Guy Mann
Whoa! I'm not a reptile. That's racist!
Fox Mulder
(STAMMERS) Okay. Okay. How long do you hibernate for?
Guy Mann
Well, I never really did get the hang of human constructs of time. Let me see... Lunar cycles, you got four of those, then you got your seasons, just... Ten thousand years.
Fox Mulder
That's not possible.
Guy Mann
There you go again, not believing me!
Fox Mulder
I want to believe.
Guy Mann
I don't mean to get too personal, but this has been a real trying time for me. I've been through a lot. But just having someone like you to... Look, what I'm trying to say is, I'm glad to have met you.
Fox Mulder
Like... Likewise.
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About this transcript
The dialogue comes from the official Blu-ray subtitle track supplied by Boggsfiles. Speaker and scene attribution was cross-checked against character-labelled reference material. Subtitle wording is preserved while capitalization and spacing are standardized for easier reading.